A Knight Knows The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
The Weekly will return
Maintaining Britain's Standards
wholly © the weekly science combine
Mrs Bookery's Etiquette of Common Situations
Situation: Sent down from university.

Attitude: Foppish.

Solution: Sponge.
etiquette archive
Letters From the Editor
Sir:

They curl under us snugly, but what are they really planning? I think I know, and - aaarghh!
Some bloke found strangled with his own legs
Obviously a suicide
letters from the editor archive
State of the Pound
The pound is down 19 against a fascinated scuba diver ignorant of the anchor's unpromising plunge.
state of the pound archive
1m
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"I'd like to thank my staff of seven writers who... check... my spelling and do nothing else," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "Scrape your flue, mister?"

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than its quota of readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Now available in electric record and ethereal versions.)
blake archive
Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
feature archive
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To-day's features
44 Deaths
The only good death is a bad death, or possibly a good one.
Derek's Day
Wednesday, probably. No, wait - Thursday, as Wednesday was that mix- up at the canteen with the sausage and mash, then the church garrotting.
Totween Kemmle: Britain's Voice Of Music- hall
That merry anecdotist of the stages.
Talking In Conversation With Joseph Of Montford
A conversational talk with the discoverer of the semicolon.
feature archive
Hurrah/Bah
Dance, Little Puppet, Dance
Hup - ho - hey - ha! Hurrah / Bah It's no good, it needs a fresh soul.
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
full profile
I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
corner shop
Britain's Heritage of Games
Game: Hair Hockey
Played chiefly in: Jedburgh.
Objective: Variation of air hockey in which the effect of an expensive, uniform air-cushion across the playing field is reproduced by dangling both players and puck from human hairs, which are near-invisible in normal lighting conditions.
Obstacles: Necessary scaffolding impedes informal and spontaneous nature of game. Best confined to playground climbing frame or unfinished building site.
Rating: Skilful.
heritage of games archive
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Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety.
  
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Sign up now and keep TRICKY JOHNNY DEADFELLOW in his place. BRITONS, DO YOUR DUTY.
Current scores -
Dead: 5,969.
Living: 8,054.
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Advertising-announcement
Advertising-announcement
advertising-announcement archive
Further excellent purchases
The Town Crier Cummerbund Talking Catalogue, For All Your Blind Town Crier Cummerbund Needs
Pure Evil
Touch It! Stroke It! Smooth Pebble
This Looks Like A Job For... Upliftingly Declaimed Temp Agency Phone Calls
The Brutally Vengeful Teddy Bear
further excellent purchases archive
The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Archives
Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.
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