Beware the Idles' March The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
The Weekly will return
Maintaining Britain's Standards
wholly © the weekly science combine
LL Limerick Of Limerick And His Limericks On Laudanum
When the Trump sounds, will you and yours say
"Thank heavens! At last, Judgment Day!"
Or, "Hang on a spot - I can't find my sock"?
Arrange for a spare; don't delay.
limerick archive
Letters From the Editor
Sir:

Statistically, we are 750 times more likely to be hit by an asteroid than we are to win the lottery. As someone wins the lottery every Saturday and every Wednesday, that means that fifteen hundred people a week in Britain must get hit by an asteroid. It is, then, a national disgrace that the list of charities which benefit from lottery money doesn't include a single Asteroid Help Line. The whole damn system is rotten to the core, I tell you.
Rapid Tonghoy
Calverley
letters from the editor archive
State of the Pound
The pound is hovering around the 50 mark. That's mark as in indication or sigil, not the currency, around which hovering is discouraged by treaty.
state of the pound archive
1m
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"You've reached the home of Mil Millington. I'm not in at the moment because I'm attending a fabulously glamorous book launch party in the nude, but leave a message and I'll have my personal assistant get back to you in the nude," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "This figure excludes the readership of S1 for some reason, ie I omitted to work it out."

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than its quota of readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Now available in electric record and ethereal versions.)
blake archive
Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
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To-day's features
Walking With Oswald
A stroll in the scenic footsteps of the King of Northumbria.
Previously In The Weekly
The exciting story so far.
Hoi Hup La!
A programme of improving exercise for a happier, healthier Britain.
Talking In Conversation With Joseph Of Montford
A conversational talk with the discoverer of the semicolon.
feature archive
Hurrah/Bah
The Motorcyclists
Your go next, Stiggins. Hurrah / Bah Let's play Lawr- ence of Arabia.
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
full profile
I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
corner shop
Better yourself
Position: Cartographer.
Responsibilities: Empire! The very word thrills the soul of even the lowliest pauper whose soul is destined to burn in the fires of hell for all eternity. Yet there is much we know not of the farthest flings of Her Gracious Majesty's dominions, and it is in this vacuum of knowledge that a shrewd and ambitious cartographer may yet stamp his mark. A cartographer of hardy constitution, iron nerve and sharpened pencil can contribute much to our understanding of such exotic and ill-explored regions as Scot-land and the Northern Poor-towns. These last frontiers of human endurance must be conquered by the courageous cartographer, irrespective of disease, hardship and weirdly ritualled anthropophagous natives so that one day our bright-eyed, cow-licked school-children may learn as much about these distant climes as they understand of Darkest Africa and the Canadian Wastes.
Remuneration: A piffling stipend of £13 is provided to furnish the initial expeditionary force, but it is understood that the cartographer lives off the land mapped. You are entitled to a generous percentage of any gold and precious ores discovered in the name of Britain, and the opportunity cannot fail to excite of meeting and cataloguing mysterious new peoples; and of the gentleman-cartographer improving their rude shapes with the BRITON'S GENES or the lady-cartographer establishing a fine and profitable seraglio against her retirement.
Risk assessment: Little is riskier than the post of cartographer when much of the world is as wild as the caving-tenements of Bolton or the Border-lands of Wales; but the wise cartographer goes well-armed with machete and Webley (and, indeed, there is much sport to be had in this manner when work is ceased for the day); and is content that all cartographers are immortalised in the name of at least one town, usually the one around which ultimately they are strewn.
Prospects: Scientist; soup; Cartographer of the Cities of Mars when that expedition is launched in the next eight months or so.
better yourself archive
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Dead: 5,959.
Living: 8,025.
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Further excellent purchases
Cracker Wants A Polly, The Non-Judgmental Companion For Easeless Criminal Psychologists
Spare Some Change? Begging Piggy Bank
The Gaberdine Tantaliser
Ten Green Bottles And A Wall
Drinks Flask With Four Interchangeable Vacuums
further excellent purchases archive
The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Archives
Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.
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