Cast Out the Pesky The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
The Weekly will return
Maintaining Britain's Standards
wholly © the weekly science combine
Mrs Bookery's Etiquette of Common Situations
Situation: Determined to make one's way in the world; as governess, with unruly charges; a good impression is necessary.

Attitude: Practical.

Solution: Administer laudanum.
etiquette archive
Letters From the Editor

While driving from place to place, I always carry a pair of long-nosed pliers and periodically use them to nip at my scrotal sac to agonising effect. Am I mad? No, of course not. It is simply a safety precaution I have developed over the years. You see, if I am suddenly involved in an accident and badly injured, the pain I experience will be greatly reduced by the wash of endorphins already in my bloodstream because of my regular programme of genital pinching. As a bonus it also keeps me very much awake on long journeys, something I'm highly conscious of in my job as a coach driver.
Max Woollens
letters from the editor archive
State of the Pound
The pound is holding steady against that feeling of angry frustration akin to having four seconds in which to convey electro-magnetic induction to 40 six-year-old Polish mutes in a plummeting lift filled with water and a thrashing bison.
state of the pound archive
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"I'd like to thank my milkman for the two extra pints this morning," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "Are you really, really quite sure you don't mean"

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than a collective noun of readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Now available in electric record and ethereal versions.)
blake archive
Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
feature archive
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To-day's features
Also Starring
Grudging acknowledgement of the others appearing in this magazine. (Javascript- only.)
Millington's Face: Road Movee in a Coach Stylee
In which MR MILLINGTON undertakes an epic journey.
I've Lived Here All My Life
Motorist, you have chosen wisely.
The "Wizard" Getaway Farthing
It's merely on and away.
feature archive
The Invisible Ray
It works! Hurrah / Bah Where the hell am I?
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
full profile
I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
corner shop
Better yourself
Position: Under-under-footman.
Responsibilities: The under-under-footman is responsible for undertaking everything beneath the under-footman but beyond the under-under-under-footman. Specific duties vary from day to day, and are outlined each morning over breakfast in under ten minutes. At all other times the under-under-footman shall remain belowstairs with behaviour above reproach.
Remuneration: The wage shall not exceed £8 per annum. Room and a board provided. One half-day given off each month. One half of one suit of uniform-clothes provided, to be shared with the under-under-under-footman. For this reason, duties can be expected to be allocated on the basis of visibility above or below waist height as appropriate.
Sexual assignations: Permitted with parlour-maids but not chamber-maids; and the youngest defiant daughter of the household back from finishing-school if the stable-boy is unavailable.
Chance of being made scapegoat by bumbling police-sergeant in event of murder: Low to reasonable.
Prospects: Under-footman; valet; burglar.
better yourself archive
Sub Up
Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety.
Your Plane Needs You!
Sign up now and keep TRICKY JOHNNY DEADFELLOW in his place. BRITONS, DO YOUR DUTY.
Current scores -
Dead: 5,958.
Living: 8,023.
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advertising-announcement archive
Further excellent purchases
It's Not My Round Empty Glass Hinting Shuffler
The Molecular Sieve
Exciting Vehicles To Cheer You Up Following Personal Disaster, Including The Muggee Buggy, The Random Beating Heated Tandem, The Parasuicide Paraglide And The Fallen Too Far Brand-New Car
The Unfulfilling Rager
Upgrade To The Best Things In Life Plus For Just One Guinea
further excellent purchases archive
The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.