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1. This monkey's paw? Miss, stay your purse
For the novelty comes with a curse:
Whatever you wish
Tends to turn to a bish
And your better becomes quite your worse.
2. But she pooh-poohed the gent as a wimp:
Bared her soul to the segment of chimp:
Now awaits, in her room,
Inescapable doom
At the hand of an ape with a limp. |
| limerick archive |
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Sir:
I feel I must address those of your readers who have written to me complaining about the situation this winter. The present state of affairs is because of seasonal factors that applied equally; indeed, more so; under my predecessor. Believe me, the situation is being looked into with all possible speed, and I can assure you that things will be very different by next summer. As early as April we can expect to see hard, erect nipples pushing out against tight, white linen blouses, and by the end of the next quarter there will be a return to cotton skirts, tented by seated knees, leading bare legs up to a glimpse of tiny, creviced panties; loose-necked tops ill-shielding their captive breasts amid the everyday crouches and twists of a shop assistant's toil; towels flapping and slipping over awkward bathing suit changes on myriad beaches; and all-over tans sought on the sweating grass of back gardens that are overlooked from the bedroom windows of nearby houses. I hope that this allays some fears. |
The Minister of Fiscal Economics
Whitehall |
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| letters from the editor archive |
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I am the Master Of Riddles. Can you untangle my devious glottic knots? |
What is it that walks on four legs in the morning
Two legs in the afternoon
And three legs in the evening?
Answer: It is a clever circus dog. |
| riddle archive |
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The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.
"STOP STARING AT ME," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.
MR NASH added: "Have you told MR MILLINGTON yet? He's staying in his private county."
* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than an equivalence of readers. |
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Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance. |
| feature archive |
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| This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom. |
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Game: Whither Exmouth?
Played chiefly in: The environs of Exmouth.
Objective: Discovery of Exmouth.
Obstacles: Selective memory.
Rating: Challenging. |
| heritage of games archive |
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| Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety. |
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