Beware the Idles' March The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
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Maintaining Britain's Standards
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The morally instructive determinings of PROFESSOR THAUMUS PHAMBLEMELL
Is it acceptable?
A CORRESPONDENT WRITES: Some little time ago, while defending my position with cogent argument in a dispute concerning a game of chance, I shot and killed the Duke of Exeter, his mother and the local rector, no more than two or three dinner-guests, a gentleman who asked me directions on the way home, and everyone in my house; and, some days later, an Inspector and several police officers who confronted me at a railway station, and an inspector. Since that time, I have been blackballed by my clubs, and sent to Coventry by friends and business partners, some of whom I have also subsequently shot and killed. It seems that my only recourse is to start a new life in a far-off land of savages, like Coventry. Is it acceptable for society to ostracise those of us who succumb to a string of single moments of weakened madness?

PROFESSOR PHAMBLEMELL REPLIES: Yes, sir, my emphasis on yessing; it is quite acceptable for your circle to behave in this manner. We most of us have in our time, sir, shot a peer during a card game; it is all in the MANLY ROUGH-AND-TUMBLE of an evening's distracting-entertainment, and as much a part of the VIGOROUS FOLLY OF SWEET YOUTH as knocking away a police-man's hat and fathering negligently. It is your INDISCRETION, sir, which undoes you: by all means exercise your harmless hobby, but maintain discretion at every turn; there is NO SHAME in beating and killing a man, it is why God has given us the servant-classes. Once you have grasped this point and made some APPROPRIATE GESTURE OF APOLOGY such as purchasing a mill, society will forgive you as our own MR J CHRIST has taught.
is it acceptable? archive
Letters From the Editor
Sir:

Is that a pistol in your pocket or are... Yes, my wallet. And my watch, yes, of course.
Gravelly Drive
Manchester
letters from the editor archive
State of the Pound
The pound is up six-and-a-half against the peseta when packed tightly into a poised sock as an investment opportunity in secluded lanes leading away from the theatre.
state of the pound archive
1m
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"I'd like to thank my milkman for the two extra pints this morning," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "Scrape your flue, mister?"

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than an equivalence of readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Now available in electric record and ethereal versions.)
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Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
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To-day's features

An exact copy of the electro-mechanical simulation of Britain's weathers built by science for the Met Office.
"Little Wonder" Caustic Atomiser
An animated item of interest to popular ladies.
Totween Kemmle: Britain's Voice Of Music- hall
That merry anecdotist of the stages.
I've Lived Here All My Life
Motorist, you have chosen wisely.
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Hurrah/Bah
My Misunderstanding
That's right, I
did say my dog doesn't bite.
Hurrah / Bah But, you see, I'm a maniac.
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A complete scientific analysis of your name
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I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
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Better yourself
Position: Toppered Maniac.
Responsibilities: A recent attack of plaguey pigeons has resulted in several opportunities in this exciting field, which does not require you to be in a field. The toppered maniac is a bright and merry sight in our city-towns, adding spice to our evenings by appearing briefly in the peripheral vision while racing from rooftop to rooftop, and by sliding down water-spouts, looming unexpectedly from alleyways, and kidnapping people leaving a theatre or crossing a park and chopping them to pieces with an axe. The toppered maniac is expected to provide his own diabolical apparatus of deadly potential, which at the last will either turn on him, fail at a critical moment, or accompany the maniac on a death-plunge through a trapdoor into the deepness of a river. Fewer though similarly rewarding positions are available for bonneted maniacs who must be equally facile with tapping gentlemen on the shoulder playfully with a collapsed fan and baking children into pies, before perishing ultimately in a tinderwick conflagration while crooning heedlessly to a rumpled photograph of a wan, unidentified youth.
Remuneration: The toppered maniac may expect an initial salary of £15 per annum, rising to £17. The bonneted maniac's scale runs from £12 per annum to £16, plus any profit which may be made from the sale of pies.
Prospects: Proprietress of successful pie shop; news-paper headline; formless shadow glimpsed momentarily in a flash of lightning after a boisterous child is snugged abed ten years later by a relentlessly garrulous nurse.
better yourself archive
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The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
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