Dare to Poke God's Eye The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
The Weekly will return
Maintaining Britain's Standards
wholly © the weekly science combine
Mrs Bookery's Etiquette of Common Situations
Situation: Defeat at lawn tennis.

Attitude: Sporting.

Solution: Accept loss gracefully; retire to house pleading heat; belabour servants until racquet breaks.
etiquette archive
Letters From the Editor
Sir:

To fill the long, hollow days following the death of my wife in a car crash, I've been learning to drive. Yesterday, as we sped along a dual carriageway, my hitherto emotionless instructor instinctively covered his head and yelped when a pigeon unexpectedly flew across in front of us and narrowly missed the windscreen. I have also seen people I would have trusted with my life on a mountainside under machine-gun fire turn into panicking, squealing children upon a thrush's entering the house. I conclude we should have a national defence programme that abandons costly tanks and laser beams in favour of thousands of birds trained to flap alarmingly in the shaking, howling faces of an approaching enemy.
Danald Watherspaan
Jersey
letters from the editor archive
The Bill Before the House
Bill to Explode the House introduced by the Rt Hon Futility Brabletawn, Member for London-town.
i. Let's blow up the House, you fellows!
(Passed unanimously from a distance.)
the bill before the house archive
1m
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"You've reached the home of Mil Millington. I'm not in at the moment because I'm attending a fabulously glamorous book launch party in the nude, but leave a message and I'll have my personal assistant get back to you in the nude," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "This is a triumph and that is a trumpet. I learned the difference from a book."

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than two hundred readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Now available in electric record and ethereal versions.)
blake archive
Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
feature archive
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To-day's features
My Album
A photographic record of a refreshing holiday.
44 Deaths
The only good death is a bad death, or possibly a good one.
The "Wizard" Getaway Farthing
It's merely on and away.
Built-It!
A new magazine at a special introductory price.
feature archive
Hurrah/Bah
Bearding a Merry Outlaw
Ha ha! Well done, my worthy adversary. Hurrah / Bah Right, shoot him and burn the body.
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
full profile
I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
corner shop
Britain's Heritage of Games
Game: Clog-Dancing.
Played chiefly in: Kessingland.
Objective: To be the last player dancing. Participants stand in a circle, with someone handling the music (or, at the least, drums). Players begin dancing and, the turn moving clockwise round the circle, can elect to hold the pace or increase it. Dancers must keep time to the music, and once the pace increases, it cannot be slowed.
Obstacles: Arteriosclerosis.
Rating: Darwinian.
heritage of games archive
Sub Up
Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety.
  
Your Plane Needs You!
Sign up now and keep TRICKY JOHNNY DEADFELLOW in his place. BRITONS, DO YOUR DUTY.
Current scores -
Dead: 5,859.
Living: 7,821.
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Advertising-announcement
Advertising-announcement
advertising-announcement archive
Further excellent purchases
Something For That
Now You Shall Pay For Your Crimes! Reparation Debit Card
My Secret Shame
Is That Old Bloke Still Breathing? - The Public Library Game
The Tuning And Salad Fork
further excellent purchases archive
The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Archives
Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.
AUSTERITY - DIGNITY - INDUSTRY