Cast Out the Pesky The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
The Weekly will return
Maintaining Britain's Standards
wholly © the weekly science combine
Nautical Lingo With Captain Ned
Captain Hard-a-starboard!
Ned
Original lingo
captain ned archive
Letters From the Editor
Sir:

Thought you might be interested to know that I've succeeded in encasing a Vauxhall Corsa 12V in a box for 24 hours without incident. We've seen many things packed in boxes up to now, including televisions, tins of ham, flat-packed furniture, apples, refrigerators, curling tongs, jars of fish-paste, linen, training shoes, blank video-cassettes, biscuits, midi hi-fi systems, clocks, photocopier paper, light fittings, greeting cards, baby listeners, nails, feminine garb, magnets, standardised plug units, vertical blinds, high-quality collectable oven-fired dinnerware, books, security mirrors, lawnmowers and transparent tubular mice cities, but never before a Vauxhall Corsa 12V. I feel we've turned a corner.
Gavin Pole
Much Wenlock
letters from the editor archive
State of the Pound
The pound is up 16.9 against the effort expended to lift a tin bath full of ratlings above your head in a single, decisive movement.
state of the pound archive
1m
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"I can't quite make you out, the reception is terrible on this yacht," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "At last, we have equalled the record of that popular governmental magazine exposing weediness in high places through the unflattering medium of pointillism portraits, Disraeli's Daily Brailly Quailies."

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than its quota of readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Now available in electric record and ethereal versions.)
blake archive
Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
feature archive
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To-day's features
A Bit Of A Chat With Constable Dan
Inspiring wisdom to improve all our lives.

An authentic reproduction board game, banned for 150 years for its dangerous, excoriatingly satirical content.
Foxhole
Chin up, it'll all be over by Christmas.
You Are The Spy
Participate in a spy story.
feature archive
Hurrah/Bah
The Invisible Ray
It works! Hurrah / Bah Where the hell am I?
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
full profile
I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
corner shop
Better yourself
Position: Under-under-footman.
Responsibilities: The under-under-footman is responsible for undertaking everything beneath the under-footman but beyond the under-under-under-footman. Specific duties vary from day to day, and are outlined each morning over breakfast in under ten minutes. At all other times the under-under-footman shall remain belowstairs with behaviour above reproach.
Remuneration: The wage shall not exceed £8 per annum. Room and a board provided. One half-day given off each month. One half of one suit of uniform-clothes provided, to be shared with the under-under-under-footman. For this reason, duties can be expected to be allocated on the basis of visibility above or below waist height as appropriate.
Sexual assignations: Permitted with parlour-maids but not chamber-maids; and the youngest defiant daughter of the household back from finishing-school if the stable-boy is unavailable.
Chance of being made scapegoat by bumbling police-sergeant in event of murder: Low to reasonable.
Prospects: Under-footman; valet; burglar.
better yourself archive
Sub Up
Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety.
  
Nautical Lingo With Captain Ned
Bored. Bored bored bored. It's rubbish at sea, there's nowhere to go at the weekend. I wonder what's for tea? Oh no, here comes Mr Mate. Bound to want something. No idea what I'm supposed to be doing, I only put on the hat and shouted "Cast off" for a joke, I just deliver desks. I know, I'll get in first. Turn right! That's done it, he's going away. It'd better not be fish again. Captain
Ned
Translated lingo
captain ned archive
Your Plane Needs You!
Sign up now and keep TRICKY JOHNNY DEADFELLOW in his place. BRITONS, DO YOUR DUTY.
Current scores -
Dead: 5,934.
Living: 7,962.
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Advertising-announcement
Advertising-announcement
advertising-announcement archive
Further excellent purchases
My Life Is In Your Hands! Non-Working Brakes For The Faithful
The Corpse Detector
Tiny Dead Ravens In A Nice Shiny Box
The Eyes Of Kenneth Horne Reassuringly Genial Penetratingly Intrusive Closed-Circuit Camera Trivialiser
Is That Old Bloke Still Breathing? - The Public Library Game
further excellent purchases archive
The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Archives
Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.
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