Play up, fellows! The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
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Maintaining Britain's Standards
wholly © the weekly science combine
Nautical Lingo With Captain Ned
Captain There! That's what I think of ye. Before an hour's out, I'll stove in your old block house like a rum puncheon. Laugh, by thunder, laugh! Before an hour's out, ye'll laugh upon the other side. Them that die'll be the lucky ones.
Original lingo
captain ned archive
Letters From the Editor

Couldn't trans-Atlantic cruise liner crossings be made far less costly simply by placing a colossal magnet in New York's harbour? The necessity of mounting a similar apparatus on Southampton docks for the return journey could be avoided by reversing the polarity of the ship so it is pushed to its destination rather than pulled.
Lithotrity Fowlds
letters from the editor archive
The Bill Before the House
Bill to Explode the House introduced by the Rt Hon Futility Brabletawn, Member for London-town.
i. Let's blow up the House, you fellows!
(Passed unanimously from a distance.)
the bill before the house archive
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"If I'd have my way and it'd been set in LA and starred Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks it'd have been five times that by now," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "Is that the honest, stout BRITON'S MILLION or the inflated, gaudy FORMER COLONIAL'S MILLION?"

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than its quota of readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Now available in electric record and ethereal versions.)
blake archive
Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
feature archive
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To-day's features
Previously In The Weekly
The exciting story so far.
44 Deaths
The only good death is a bad death, or possibly a good one.
The Buccaneer
A stirring tale of one lad's adventures in the time of pirates and some other pirates.

An authentic reproduction board game, banned for 150 years for its dangerous, excoriatingly satirical content.
feature archive
The Face at the Window
Ha ha! It's only me. Hurrah / Bah Now open the airlock.
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
full profile
I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
corner shop
Better yourself
Assisted ably by MR H PATERSON

Position: Tiny Murder Crafts-man.
Responsibilities: Players of the instructive and wittedness-keening educational game CLUEDO may understandably consider the tiny murder weapons to have been created magically by the BRITON'S GOD, but they are in fact the responsibility of the Tiny Murder Crafts-man. As a Tiny Murder Crafts-man you shall be familiar with the moulding process from both your work on the tiny, simpler figurines of the BENEVOLENT INDUSTRIALIST LAUDABLY CRAFTY LAND-ACQUIREMENT GAME and your minimum brace of years shaving nourishing lead into healthful military training-toys for urchins; you shall be skilled in dancing should any dancing-related emergency arise; and you shall live near a church in order to procure the raw materials of roof-lead, and golden corpse-hair for the noose item. Tiny craftsmen with proportionally normal-sized murder weapons sha'n't be considered, and may be chased away with a broom by a clucking char-lady.
Remuneration: £6 per annum and a hat; furthermore, whatever else you take from the church you may keep after tax.
Special considerations: You should consider especially where you will spend eternity, and live your life accordingly.
Prospects: Tiny Murder Master Crafts-man, supplier of genuine tiny murder weapons to ministers for keeping very small bolshy foreign powers in line; trouble-shooting dancer; vicar.
better yourself archive
Sub Up
Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety.
Nautical Lingo With Captain Ned
Hello, vicar! Captain
Translated lingo
captain ned archive
Your Plane Needs You!
Sign up now and keep TRICKY JOHNNY DEADFELLOW in his place. BRITONS, DO YOUR DUTY.
Current scores -
Dead: 5,971.
Living: 8,055.
join the fight
advertising-announcement archive
Further excellent purchases
Fields (Specify Arable Or Magnetic)
Delicious Sluice
Deranged Business Shirt, Featuring Jabbing Collars, Wrist-Splintering Cuffs And Noxious Gas-Releasing Buttons
Origami Ankles Of Radio News-Readers, Set III
further excellent purchases archive
The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.