Beware the Idles' March The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
The Weekly will return
Maintaining Britain's Standards
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LL Limerick Of Limerick And His Limericks On Laudanum
A lady of quality, Rose,
Whose sweetness emboldens her foes
Receives at her place
Those who plot her disgrace
And nobody knows where they goes.
limerick archive
Letters From the Editor

Surveys, or possibly surveyors, have shown that much of today's pollution is caused by the motor-car. It seems obvious to me that a large part of this is because of the travelling necessitated between places by jobs, leisure, or teary, random flights from a lover after a final, crunching argument in which all is revealed; and it is equally obvious that such journeys are required mostly because there are simply so many places between which to travel. The environmental impact could thus be dramatically reduced at little or no cost by removing the following superfluous areas: Stevenage; Bewdley; Penrith; Exmouth; Cheshire; Brize Norton; Ormskirk; Stockport; Darvel; Hatfield and March.
Childley Alms
Brize Norton
letters from the editor archive
Confounding Riddles With The Master Of Riddles
I am the Master Of Riddles. Can you untangle my devious glottic knots?
Higgledy, piggledy
Here we lie
Picked and plucked
And put in a pie.
My first is snapping - snarling - growling
My second's busy - romping - prowling.
Higgledy, piggledy
Here we lie
Picked and plucked
And put in a pie.

Question: What in the name of the Christ is going on here?
Answer: Something to do with the animals at an inner-city petting zoo, or something, I think.
riddle archive
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"A million? I can't believe it. Tell me again. No, I still can't believe it. Put some conviction into it. No, you're fired," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "Set against such a number, the life of one person seems insignificant. Or, indeed, the lives of all the people on that train. History will judge me."

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than two hundred readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Now available in electric record and ethereal versions.)
blake archive
Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
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Search The Weekly
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To-day's features
Murder and Prison
It's happened a million times to a million people.
Millington's Face: I Am Going To Die
In which MR MILLINGTON ends his life on the ocean wave.
I've Lived Here All My Life
Motorist, you have chosen wisely.
Irregular Dread: How To Set Your Garden On Fire
A foolproof recipe for disaster. By MR S ANDERSON.
feature archive
His View of the Gorge
Splendid. Simply breath- taking. Hurrah / Bah And she's still not yet hit the bottom.
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
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I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
corner shop
Better yourself
Position: Toppered Maniac.
Responsibilities: A recent attack of plaguey pigeons has resulted in several opportunities in this exciting field, which does not require you to be in a field. The toppered maniac is a bright and merry sight in our city-towns, adding spice to our evenings by appearing briefly in the peripheral vision while racing from rooftop to rooftop, and by sliding down water-spouts, looming unexpectedly from alleyways, and kidnapping people leaving a theatre or crossing a park and chopping them to pieces with an axe. The toppered maniac is expected to provide his own diabolical apparatus of deadly potential, which at the last will either turn on him, fail at a critical moment, or accompany the maniac on a death-plunge through a trapdoor into the deepness of a river. Fewer though similarly rewarding positions are available for bonneted maniacs who must be equally facile with tapping gentlemen on the shoulder playfully with a collapsed fan and baking children into pies, before perishing ultimately in a tinderwick conflagration while crooning heedlessly to a rumpled photograph of a wan, unidentified youth.
Remuneration: The toppered maniac may expect an initial salary of £15 per annum, rising to £17. The bonneted maniac's scale runs from £12 per annum to £16, plus any profit which may be made from the sale of pies.
Prospects: Proprietress of successful pie shop; news-paper headline; formless shadow glimpsed momentarily in a flash of lightning after a boisterous child is snugged abed ten years later by a relentlessly garrulous nurse.
better yourself archive
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Sign up now and keep TRICKY JOHNNY DEADFELLOW in his place. BRITONS, DO YOUR DUTY.
Current scores -
Dead: 5,961.
Living: 8,032.
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Further excellent purchases
Teeny-Tiny Books
Stay-A-Wake Catalogue Of Worry Thoughts, Including Realisations Of Mortality, Nagging Doubts, Money Troubles, Self-Recriminations, Bitterness And Past Embarrassments
The Garage Mammoth
The Mould Mould
Decoy Shinty Team
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The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.