Beware the Idles' March The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
The Weekly will return
Maintaining Britain's Standards
wholly © the weekly science combine
Mrs Bookery's Etiquette of Common Situations
Situation: On leading cavalry charge against enemy guns; struck in chest by grape; tumbling from mount, dragged briefly by twisted stirrup; drawn up beside enemy position; receiving sabre to weskit.

Attitude: Cheerful.

Solution: Expire thinking of Emily and little Ned.
etiquette archive
Letters From the Editor

We are told that, in the age of multiple postal deliveries, the Victorians exchanged several, perhaps dozens of letters each day. It's interesting to think that the advent of electronic mail has afforded us a glimpse of how meaningless, empty and desperate those exchanges must have been.
Laura Whoops
letters from the editor archive
The Bill Before the House
Bill to Expose the Creeping and Sinister Corruption of Certain Members of the House Who Are Known to Me in Their Dealings With Magnates, Potenates and the Fates at the Expense of the BRITON'S INGLEMAN in Whose Interests They are Charged to Work By Her Gracious Majesty introduced by the Rt Hon Grably Crockbester (Prog Soc), Member for Dog Dyke.
(Proposal lapsed following the tragic death of the Rt Hon Gentleman when his valet exploded.)
the bill before the house archive
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"What foresight to have introduced a charge of 1p per page when the magazine began," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "Crude quantities do not concern me. Unlike crude foreign lithographs."

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than a collective noun of readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Now available in electric record and ethereal versions.)
blake archive
Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
feature archive
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To-day's features
Cookery Corridor
Another smashing recipe from Mrs Beefy. Today - baboon.
A Bit Of A Chat With Constable Dan
Inspiring wisdom to improve all our lives.
Sports Weekly
A perfect day for a great day of sport.

An authentic reproduction board game, banned for 150 years for its dangerous, excoriatingly satirical content.
feature archive
My Misunderstanding
That's right, I
did say my dog doesn't bite.
Hurrah / Bah But, you see, I'm a maniac.
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
full profile
I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
corner shop
Better yourself
Assisted ably by MR H PATERSON

Position: Tiny Murder Crafts-man.
Responsibilities: Players of the instructive and wittedness-keening educational game CLUEDO may understandably consider the tiny murder weapons to have been created magically by the BRITON'S GOD, but they are in fact the responsibility of the Tiny Murder Crafts-man. As a Tiny Murder Crafts-man you shall be familiar with the moulding process from both your work on the tiny, simpler figurines of the BENEVOLENT INDUSTRIALIST LAUDABLY CRAFTY LAND-ACQUIREMENT GAME and your minimum brace of years shaving nourishing lead into healthful military training-toys for urchins; you shall be skilled in dancing should any dancing-related emergency arise; and you shall live near a church in order to procure the raw materials of roof-lead, and golden corpse-hair for the noose item. Tiny craftsmen with proportionally normal-sized murder weapons sha'n't be considered, and may be chased away with a broom by a clucking char-lady.
Remuneration: £6 per annum and a hat; furthermore, whatever else you take from the church you may keep after tax.
Special considerations: You should consider especially where you will spend eternity, and live your life accordingly.
Prospects: Tiny Murder Master Crafts-man, supplier of genuine tiny murder weapons to ministers for keeping very small bolshy foreign powers in line; trouble-shooting dancer; vicar.
better yourself archive
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Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety.
Your Plane Needs You!
Sign up now and keep TRICKY JOHNNY DEADFELLOW in his place. BRITONS, DO YOUR DUTY.
Current scores -
Dead: 5,972.
Living: 8,056.
join the fight
advertising-announcement archive
Further excellent purchases
The Eyes Of Kenneth Horne Reassuringly Genial Penetratingly Intrusive Closed-Circuit Camera Trivialiser
Nasal Passages: Extracts From Famous Works Of Literature Read By The Country's Finest Adenoidal Celebrities
Can You Hear Me Mother? - The Official Sandy Powell Method For Determining Parental Death
Fully Articulated Danger Christ
Merriment Evoked!
further excellent purchases archive
The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.