A Knight Knows The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
The Weekly will return
Maintaining Britain's Standards
wholly © the weekly science combine
LL Limerick Of Limerick And His Limericks On Laudanum
1. This monkey's paw? Miss, stay your purse
For the novelty comes with a curse:
Whatever you wish
Tends to turn to a bish
And your better becomes quite your worse.

2. But she pooh-poohed the gent as a wimp:
Bared her soul to the segment of chimp:
Now awaits, in her room,
Inescapable doom
At the hand of an ape with a limp.
limerick archive
Letters From the Editor
Sir:

I feel I must address those of your readers who have written to me complaining about the situation this winter. The present state of affairs is because of seasonal factors that applied equally; indeed, more so; under my predecessor. Believe me, the situation is being looked into with all possible speed, and I can assure you that things will be very different by next summer. As early as April we can expect to see hard, erect nipples pushing out against tight, white linen blouses, and by the end of the next quarter there will be a return to cotton skirts, tented by seated knees, leading bare legs up to a glimpse of tiny, creviced panties; loose-necked tops ill-shielding their captive breasts amid the everyday crouches and twists of a shop assistant's toil; towels flapping and slipping over awkward bathing suit changes on myriad beaches; and all-over tans sought on the sweating grass of back gardens that are overlooked from the bedroom windows of nearby houses. I hope that this allays some fears.
The Minister of Fiscal Economics
Whitehall
letters from the editor archive
Confounding Riddles With The Master Of Riddles
I am the Master Of Riddles. Can you untangle my devious glottic knots?
What is it that walks on four legs in the morning
Two legs in the afternoon
And three legs in the evening?

Answer: It is a clever circus dog.
riddle archive
1m
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"STOP STARING AT ME," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "Have you told MR MILLINGTON yet? He's staying in his private county."

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than an equivalence of readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Now available in electric record and ethereal versions.)
blake archive
Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
feature archive
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To-day's features
Millington's Face: Splendour Of The Deep
In which MR MILLINGTON takes his face underwater, intending to keep it safely dry.
Cookery Corridor
Another smashing recipe from Mrs Beefy. Today - baboon.
Talking In Conversation With Joseph Of Montford
A conversational talk with the discoverer of the semicolon.
Telegraph-text
One hundred pages of information and distraction from The Weekly's pioneering telegraph-text service. By the Combine, MR S HOBBS, MR H PATERSON and MR M SULLIVAN. (Javascript- only.)
feature archive
Hurrah/Bah
Meeting the Neighbours
Hurrah/Bah
"Good lord! (Choke.) The working class!"
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
full profile
I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
corner shop
Britain's Heritage of Games
Game: Whither Exmouth?
Played chiefly in: The environs of Exmouth.
Objective: Discovery of Exmouth.
Obstacles: Selective memory.
Rating: Challenging.
heritage of games archive
Sub Up
Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety.
  
Your Plane Needs You!
Sign up now and keep TRICKY JOHNNY DEADFELLOW in his place. BRITONS, DO YOUR DUTY.
Current scores -
Dead: 5,952.
Living: 8,005.
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Advertising-announcement
Advertising-announcement
advertising-announcement archive
Further excellent purchases
The Underwater Doe
Ultra-Girdle
The Omni Lid
Skulking Lutes
101 Subtle Conversational Ways To Discover The Names Of People Who Seem To Know You From Somewhere
further excellent purchases archive
The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Archives
Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.
AUSTERITY - DIGNITY - INDUSTRY