The Weekly will return Maintaining Britain's Standards wholly © the weekly science combine Situation: As Mr The Prime Minister Spencer Perceval, strolling through the House of Commons lobby; approached by bankrupt merchant John Bellingham armed with a pistol. Attitude: Cool. Solution: Disarm Bellingham by jabbing ferrule of umbrella into inside of his wrist; step forward, putting whole weight behind single blow with palm of hand beneath ribcage, flipping Bellingham backwards through a window; turn to Bellingham's gang of ninja assassins, dab handkerchief to lips and say, "Well, gentlemen, shall we see for whom the division bell tolls?" etiquette archive Sir: Statistically, we are 750 times more likely to be hit by an asteroid than we are to win the lottery. As someone wins the lottery every Saturday and every Wednesday, that means that fifteen hundred people a week in Britain must get hit by an asteroid. It is, then, a national disgrace that the list of charities which benefit from lottery money doesn't include a single Asteroid Help Line. The whole damn system is rotten to the core, I tell you. Rapid Tonghoy Calverley letters from the editor archive I am the Master Of Riddles. Can you untangle my devious glottic knots? Hoddy Doddy with a round body Three feet and a wooden hat. What's that? Answer: It is two vikings, one hopping, making their way backwards through snow to confuse pursuers until they reach a suitable place for a decisive ambush. riddle archive The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871. "Undoubtedly it's MR NASH's unique vision that has kept The Weekly committed to such a tiny, tiny font," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement. MR NASH added: "That urchin stole my gruel." * Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than a slumful of readers. The Adventures of Sexton Blake The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Now available in electric record and ethereal versions.) blake archive Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance. feature archive search science Millington's Face: I Am Going To Die In which MR MILLINGTON ends his life on the ocean wave. Telegraph-text One hundred pages of information and distraction from The Weekly's pioneering telegraph-text service. By the Combine, MR S HOBBS, MR H PATERSON and MR M SULLIVAN. (Javascript- only.) Earth Focus Science looks to the world of tomorrow. Derek's Day Wednesday, probably. No, wait - Thursday, as Wednesday was that mix- up at the canteen with the sausage and mash, then the church garrotting. feature archive A Medical Inspection Your hearing is perfect. But you have cancer. Of the head. hurrah/bah archive full profile This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom. corner shop Game: Conquers. Played chiefly in: Leek. Objective: At heart a normal game of conkers, but enlivened by the players' participating in the style of a famous conqueror from history. Points are awarded for authenticity of impersonation, which may be helped by carefully researched costumes, or, in more informal games, simply made wigs; bonuses can be won by growing your conker in the shape of the miniaturised skill of your chosen conqueror; or retrospectively should you become a conqueror later on. (Address such claims to the national Conquers board, currently in hiding.) It is considered bad form to play if you are already a conqueror, or have conquered specifically for that game. Obstacles: Fred Harris, who has vowed to destroy the game for largely unknown reasons and is currently at large. Some maintain this adds an element of excitement to Conquers, but not after Harris has run them over with his garden roller. Rating: Polished. heritage of games archive Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety.    Sign up now and keep TRICKY JOHNNY DEADFELLOW in his place. BRITONS, DO YOUR DUTY. Current scores - Dead: 5,897. Living: 7,888. join the fight advertising-announcement archive It's Cock-a-Doodle-Dan! Combination Clothes Iron And Ion Emitter Dagenham's Own In-Between Stations-Only Junior Practice Set For Budding Radio Astronomers Liquid Panacea - The Solution For All Your Ills further excellent purchases archive Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet. Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.