Dare to Poke God's Eye The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
The Weekly will return
Maintaining Britain's Standards
wholly © the weekly science combine
Tom Sandwich

Doctor, doctor, a cat bit my chin
tom sandwich archive
Letters From the Editor
Sir:

Phthisis - now there's something that's hard to say if you have it.
K Vandalism
Bicton Heath
letters from the editor archive
Confounding Riddles With The Master Of Riddles
I am the Master Of Riddles. Can you untangle my devious glottic knots?
Higgledy, piggledy
Here we lie
Picked and plucked
And put in a pie.
My first is snapping - snarling - growling
My second's busy - romping - prowling.
Higgledy, piggledy
Here we lie
Picked and plucked
And put in a pie.

Question: What in the name of the Christ is going on here?
Answer: Something to do with the animals at an inner-city petting zoo, or something, I think.
riddle archive
1m
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"Undoubtedly it's MR NASH's unique vision that has kept The Weekly committed to such a tiny, tiny font," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "Is that the honest, stout BRITON'S MILLION or the inflated, gaudy FORMER COLONIAL'S MILLION?"

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than an equivalence of readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Now available in electric record and ethereal versions.)
blake archive
Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
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To-day's features
Falsity For The Artless
A three- step programme of lying.
Pornography Of The Gods
That raunchy Zeus - he just doesn't know what he's going to do next. You'll never look at a king of the gods in the same way again!
Cookery Corridor
Another smashing recipe from Mrs Beefy. Today - baboon.
Walking With Oswald
A stroll in the scenic footsteps of the King of Northumbria.
feature archive
Hurrah/Bah
70... 80... 92mph
Hurrah/Bah
"Well, this is going to end badly."
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
full profile
I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
corner shop
Better yourself
Position: Public Face for Anonymous Author.
Responsibilities: History has vindicated the once shocking programme of supplying DISTRACTING-ENTERTAINMENT to the BRITON'S INGLEMAN. How far we have come since the days of administering CORRECTION-BEATINGS with angular knouts instead of the merciful clothed fist. Associated with this programme is the protection of the distracting-artists themselves; whether to spare MISS M LLOYD the onerousness of further encores by catapaulting tureens of mustard gas into the gods, or smoothing PROFESSOR M WALL's exit through clamouring throngs by giving him a sword, the practice is establishedly fruitful. The most popular method of escaping the public eye among distracting-artists with easily recognisable features that could conceivably be reproduced by look-alikes is, of course, carrying a pistol, but close aheel comes that of employing a look-alike to be seen out and about while they themselves remain safely indoors to write, to perform plays and to drink laudanum. Many of our famed LOUCHE-CREATIVES have hired such persons, but one avenue remains open in this area: the public face of the anonymous author. You will be required to go about your daily business entirely as normal, but at irregular intervals to pause, allow a smile to play about your lips and nod shallowly once or twice in an undefined secret satisfaction. In this way our anonymous authors may continue unhindered in their creation of such popular books as I Saw A Lady's Wrist and I Touched A Gentleman's Lobes.
Remuneration: £10 per annum and free, gratefully unsigned copies of your author's works.
Prospects: Double for military clerk; look-alike of MR C DICKENS, who has been prevented from completing his newest book these last few double dozen years by his obligations to open shops and judge babies; false heir.
better yourself archive
Sub Up
Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety.
  
Tom Sandwich

Okay, I'll write you a prescription then
tom sandwich archive
Your Plane Needs You!
Sign up now and keep TRICKY JOHNNY DEADFELLOW in his place. BRITONS, DO YOUR DUTY.
Current scores -
Dead: 5,970.
Living: 8,054.
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Advertising-announcement
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Further excellent purchases
Lionel, Let's Think Of A Good Name For This Before We Sell It
Charge-Card Of The Light Brigade Historically Themed Convenience Shopping Account
Vibrating Personal Page-Boy
The Roof Cosy
The Wife And Carpet Beater
further excellent purchases archive
The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Archives
Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.
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