Was That Chap a Foreign? The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
The Weekly will return
Maintaining Britain's Standards
wholly © the weekly science combine
LL Limerick Of Limerick And His Limericks On Laudanum
Escaping by rooftop, McCall
Swore arrogant vengeance on all.
But lions, ornamental,
Caught his foot in their dentals
And Pride, as is known, precedes Fall.
limerick archive
Letters From the Editor
Sir:

We're a composite being of pure intelligence from the Gamma Quadrant who evolved beyond corporeal bodies many aeons ago. For God's sake, don't make the same mistake we did. We just sort of drift around musing philosophically to each other in a detached monotone, day after bloody day. We can't even influence where we go - we've been trying for ages to tell you about ourselves, but got caught by a gust of wind and ended up in a weather pattern over the Yorkshire Dales for 150 years. We'll tell you all the secrets of the universe if you'll hoover us up and put us in a hermetically sealed room with a big-screen TV, a selection of adult cable channels and a heavy smoker. PS - Please give the shepherd who took down this message ten of your Earth pounds.
The K'Ree
Nirvana, Yorkshire
letters from the editor archive
State of the Pound
The pound is up 2.38 against the secret paralytic resignation that you'll wait until the carriage is moving before you really explore the nagging feeling you're on the wrong train.
state of the pound archive
1m
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"You've reached the home of Mil Millington. I'm not in at the moment because I'm attending a fabulously glamorous book launch party in the nude, but leave a message and I'll have my personal assistant get back to you in the nude," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "Splendid - just the opportunity for some kind of retrospective compilation ish."

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than an equivalence of readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Now available in electric record and ethereal versions.)
blake archive
Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
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To-day's features
Can Women Write?
The enduring myth at last debunked.
Penkethman Remembered
A tribute to the The Weekly founder- editor.
Derek's Day
Wednesday, probably. No, wait - Thursday, as Wednesday was that mix- up at the canteen with the sausage and mash, then the church garrotting.
Professor Science: Britain's Voice Of Tomorrow
Your questions answered about the amazing world of later.
feature archive
Hurrah/Bah
Dance, Little Puppet, Dance
Hup - ho - hey - ha! Hurrah / Bah It's no good, it needs a fresh soul.
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
full profile
I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
corner shop
Better yourself
Position: Public Face for Anonymous Author.
Responsibilities: History has vindicated the once shocking programme of supplying DISTRACTING-ENTERTAINMENT to the BRITON'S INGLEMAN. How far we have come since the days of administering CORRECTION-BEATINGS with angular knouts instead of the merciful clothed fist. Associated with this programme is the protection of the distracting-artists themselves; whether to spare MISS M LLOYD the onerousness of further encores by catapaulting tureens of mustard gas into the gods, or smoothing PROFESSOR M WALL's exit through clamouring throngs by giving him a sword, the practice is establishedly fruitful. The most popular method of escaping the public eye among distracting-artists with easily recognisable features that could conceivably be reproduced by look-alikes is, of course, carrying a pistol, but close aheel comes that of employing a look-alike to be seen out and about while they themselves remain safely indoors to write, to perform plays and to drink laudanum. Many of our famed LOUCHE-CREATIVES have hired such persons, but one avenue remains open in this area: the public face of the anonymous author. You will be required to go about your daily business entirely as normal, but at irregular intervals to pause, allow a smile to play about your lips and nod shallowly once or twice in an undefined secret satisfaction. In this way our anonymous authors may continue unhindered in their creation of such popular books as I Saw A Lady's Wrist and I Touched A Gentleman's Lobes.
Remuneration: £10 per annum and free, gratefully unsigned copies of your author's works.
Prospects: Double for military clerk; look-alike of MR C DICKENS, who has been prevented from completing his newest book these last few double dozen years by his obligations to open shops and judge babies; false heir.
better yourself archive
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Further excellent purchases
Garden Mood Swings
Postage And Packing
The Garage Mammoth
The Beach Ball-Gag
Hostess Trolley With Blue Plastic Fangs
further excellent purchases archive
The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Archives
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