A Knight Knows The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
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Maintaining Britain's Standards
wholly © the weekly science combine
The morally instructive determinings of PROFESSOR THAUMUS PHAMBLEMELL
Is it acceptable?
A CORRESPONDENT WRITES: Following exhaustive consideration of our tentacly strategem, my colleagues and I were discommoded by the foxing of our invasion of the BRITON'S PLANET through our entire army dropping dead of the common cold. Is it acceptable that a meddlesome microbe be responsible for defeating a well-thought-out scheme?

PROFESSOR PHAMBLEMELL REPLIES: Yes.
is it acceptable? archive
Letters From the Editor
Sir:

It hurts when I do this with my arm. I shall therefore not be writing to you again.
Nonce Primate
Dundoon
letters from the editor archive
State of the Pound
The pound can't complain.
state of the pound archive
1m
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"What foresight to have introduced a charge of 1p per page when the magazine began," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "I'd like to divide the readership down the middle and have each half sing along with one of the Combine."

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than a collective noun of readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Now available in electric record and ethereal versions.)
blake archive
Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
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To-day's features
Teenage Pepys
My diary, by me. Yay!
Walking With Oswald
A stroll in the scenic footsteps of the King of Northumbria.
You Are The Spy
Participate in a spy story.
Earth Focus
Science looks to the world of tomorrow.
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Hurrah/Bah
The Face at the Window
Ha ha! It's only me. Hurrah / Bah Now open the airlock.
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
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I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
corner shop
Better yourself
Position: Symbolic Gardener.
Responsibilities: LIFE! The very word thrills with the sound of fife or perhaps knife. And in the BRITON'S LIFE much is communicated without words and sometimes even without eyebrows; and it is for these times the symbolic gardener lives, or perhaps sieves. As a symbolic gardener you will be tending allusions of vital potency, so must demonstrate equal facility with cutting back dead wood, watering a single tragic rose with a cup of tears wept by a strangely unmemorable woman in grey, and raising firm, juicy pears and big melons. The ability to tamp a simple blackened pipe in an unhurriedly silent and reflective manner when impulsively entrusted with a frippish secret by the youngest lady of a house is an advantage, as is snipping a bloom from a tufty bush of scribbly corymb at the exact moment of a colonel's death in his high lonely palace. You will inexplicably own a swanee-whistle.
Remuneration: The post is paid in a purely symbolic currency, usually a handful of broken child's toys to stoke the perpetual bonfire or a house-plant to be re-potted now its owner is engaged to a quiet fellow with prospects. You may eat whatever you can grow, but this is strictly limited to vegetables, &c, with names of hinted impurity.
Prospects: Gatherer of souls by figuratively shaving individual blades of grass to the soil with a tiny pocket scythe; bemusing dowager by unexpectedly appearing through gap in hedge in a back view while manipulating the stream of a hose-pipe; suggestive metaphor.
better yourself archive
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Current scores -
Dead: 5,958.
Living: 8,023.
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Further excellent purchases
You Be The Judge! Robes, Wig, Gavel And Certain Legal Powers
The Tadpole Bather
The Turf Tidy
Disposable Opinions
The Jaw Crank
further excellent purchases archive
The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Archives
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