Beware the Idles' March The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
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Maintaining Britain's Standards
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Mrs Bookery's Etiquette of Common Situations
Situation: As ward of kindly, monied aunt with imposing country estate; on learning details of disbursement under aunt's will.

Attitude: Aspirational.

Solution: A carefully plotted programme of incidents and misbehaviour designed to place madness in the aunt's head is wasteful of time and effort; fasten aunt into attic and busy oneself productively while nature takes its course.
etiquette archive
Letters From the Editor
Sir:

While undergoing a minor operation at my local hospital I sensed, through the fog of the anaesthetic, that something had gone wrong. Though I knew, on some level, that my body was still on the operating table, I saw a brilliant white light coming towards me. As I made contact with it, there was a flurry of many voices and then all thoughts and cares evaporated from my mind. Later the surgeon told me that the theatre's examination lights had broken free and fallen on to my face. I am now changed utterly, and totally at peace with myself, though there is some residual burning.
Dale Quoit
Hastings
letters from the editor archive
State of the Pound
The pound is up 16.9 against the effort expended to lift a tin bath full of ratlings above your head in a single, decisive movement.
state of the pound archive
1m
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"If I'd have my way and it'd been set in LA and starred Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks it'd have been five times that by now," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "This is a triumph and that is a trumpet. I learned the difference from a book."

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than a slumful of readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Now available in electric record and ethereal versions.)
blake archive
Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
feature archive
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To-day's features
Hope it's Henderson's
Mmmm.
A Christmas Carol
A seasonal tale for those with no patience at all.
Benign Medicine, Malign Medicine
The official explanatory diagram.
Pornography Of The Gods
That raunchy Zeus - he just doesn't know what he's going to do next. You'll never look at a king of the gods in the same way again!
feature archive
Hurrah/Bah
The Invisible Ray
It works! Hurrah / Bah Where the hell am I?
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
full profile
I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
corner shop
Better yourself
Position: Symbolic Gardener.
Responsibilities: LIFE! The very word thrills with the sound of fife or perhaps knife. And in the BRITON'S LIFE much is communicated without words and sometimes even without eyebrows; and it is for these times the symbolic gardener lives, or perhaps sieves. As a symbolic gardener you will be tending allusions of vital potency, so must demonstrate equal facility with cutting back dead wood, watering a single tragic rose with a cup of tears wept by a strangely unmemorable woman in grey, and raising firm, juicy pears and big melons. The ability to tamp a simple blackened pipe in an unhurriedly silent and reflective manner when impulsively entrusted with a frippish secret by the youngest lady of a house is an advantage, as is snipping a bloom from a tufty bush of scribbly corymb at the exact moment of a colonel's death in his high lonely palace. You will inexplicably own a swanee-whistle.
Remuneration: The post is paid in a purely symbolic currency, usually a handful of broken child's toys to stoke the perpetual bonfire or a house-plant to be re-potted now its owner is engaged to a quiet fellow with prospects. You may eat whatever you can grow, but this is strictly limited to vegetables, &c, with names of hinted impurity.
Prospects: Gatherer of souls by figuratively shaving individual blades of grass to the soil with a tiny pocket scythe; bemusing dowager by unexpectedly appearing through gap in hedge in a back view while manipulating the stream of a hose-pipe; suggestive metaphor.
better yourself archive
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Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety.
  
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Sign up now and keep TRICKY JOHNNY DEADFELLOW in his place. BRITONS, DO YOUR DUTY.
Current scores -
Dead: 5,962.
Living: 8,037.
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Advertising-announcement
Advertising-announcement
advertising-announcement archive
Further excellent purchases
The Omni Lid
Resemble Brigands!
Abra-Cup-Dabra
Pedestrian Gears
Auntie Phee's Anti-Matter Flea-Free Anti-Freeze
further excellent purchases archive
The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Archives
Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.
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