Dare to Poke God's Eye The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
The Weekly will return
Maintaining Britain's Standards
wholly © the weekly science combine
Tom Sandwich

Eat at Joe's
tom sandwich archive
Letters From the Editor
Sir:

I'm the pile of hairs heaped untidily in the corner of the barber shop. You might think my usefulness is at an end, but you couldn't be more wrong. Remember the health scares over silicone implants and the like? I'm the alternative you've been looking for. What could be more natural for the human body than human hairs? I'm durable, I come in a wide range of colours for those who like to be fashionable inside and out, and I'm flexible - tone up those buttocks, abs and biceps by packing me in tightly as muscular wadding, or leave a little slack in the shaping for the sensuous give your breasts deserve. Want to diet? I can help there too, leaving you feeling always satisfyingly filled, no matter how little you've eaten. And with the nights drawing in, what better insulation could you find? While you'll need a qualified surgeon to implant me subcutaneously, if you change your mind later or merely want to try a different arrangement, you can inexpensively do it yourself via a simple prick with a heated sewing needle, then teasing the emergent thread around a pencil and rolling out as much of me as you need. It's even easier if you've packed me in tightly - squeeze, and out I pop as a convenient stringy rope. Give yourself the body you've always wanted, and at a low, low cost. Please take a prospectus from my business partner the broom on your way out.
Hair Today, Brawn Tomorrow plc
Mostly under the sink
letters from the editor archive
The Bill Before the House
Bill to Outlaw Beastly Nastiness introduced by the Rt Hon Melgeret Melmehaugh, Member for Miller's Dale.
i. That the ills of the world are caused solely by ozard frightfulness and ghastly odium.
ii. Accordingly, hideous awfulness itself ought to be proscribed; this abolition to be enforced by rosily cheerful constable-bobbies with pastel cudgels and priestly javelins.
(Second reading.)
the bill before the house archive
1m
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"I'd like to thank my staff of seven writers who... check... my spelling and do nothing else," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "Crude quantities do not concern me. Unlike crude foreign lithographs."

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than its quota of readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Now available in electric record and ethereal versions.)
blake archive
Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
feature archive
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To-day's features
The Altairians
Thrill- chapters of the space- rocket serial.
Millington's Face: Splendour Of The Deep
In which MR MILLINGTON takes his face underwater, intending to keep it safely dry.
Talking In Conversation With Joseph Of Montford
A conversational talk with the discoverer of the semicolon.
Wireless Weekly: Flight 317 to San Francisco
An education broadcast of interest to ears. Featuring Music- hall's Mrs Susan George.
feature archive
Hurrah/Bah
The Creeping Disquiet
I am a whimsical fiction. Hurrah / Bah I see you, reader.
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
full profile
I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
corner shop
Better yourself
Position: Resilient Thwarted.
Responsibilities: Success can be measured only by comparison, so between the inspired gentleman-amateur and the callous-palmed mining-child lies the vital task of perpetually thwarted resilience. Unshakeable faith in the powers of glued feathers required; plus cheerful bumbling; and unbrittle bones.
Remuneration: A minimum of £50 per annum in grants from a grateful SCIENCE.
Prospects: None.
better yourself archive
Sub Up
Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety.
  
Tom Sandwich

(Batteries)
tom sandwich archive
Your Plane Needs You!
Sign up now and keep TRICKY JOHNNY DEADFELLOW in his place. BRITONS, DO YOUR DUTY.
Current scores -
Dead: 5,959.
Living: 8,025.
join the fight
Advertising-announcement
Advertising-announcement
advertising-announcement archive
Further excellent purchases
Sounds Of The Seventies: Music CD Of Popular Hits Digitally Enhanced To Mimic Resonating Of Tinny Speaker On High Notes, Dirty Heads, Snagged Tape Tangling Within Mechanism, Magnetic Drop-outs, Etc
The Rat Immobiliser - Prevents Your Ship From Sinking
The I Can't Even Begin To Explain How Excellent This Is
A Cheap Disposable Pen Which Doesn't Run Out Of Ink At Exactly The Moment You Need It: Instead A Powerful Spring Bursts The Plastic Reservoir Out Of The Top Of The Tube And Through Your Cheekbone
Assortment Of Tools Guaranteed Not To Work Any Better For People Snatching Them Away After Watching Your Futile Efforts With Steadily Mounting Exasperation
further excellent purchases archive
The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Archives
Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.
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