The Weekly will return Maintaining Britain's Standards wholly © the weekly science combine Hard-a-starboard! Original lingo captain ned archive Sir: Thought you might be interested to know that I've succeeded in encasing a Vauxhall Corsa 12V in a box for 24 hours without incident. We've seen many things packed in boxes up to now, including televisions, tins of ham, flat-packed furniture, apples, refrigerators, curling tongs, jars of fish-paste, linen, training shoes, blank video-cassettes, biscuits, midi hi-fi systems, clocks, photocopier paper, light fittings, greeting cards, baby listeners, nails, feminine garb, magnets, standardised plug units, vertical blinds, high-quality collectable oven-fired dinnerware, books, security mirrors, lawnmowers and transparent tubular mice cities, but never before a Vauxhall Corsa 12V. I feel we've turned a corner. Gavin Pole Much Wenlock letters from the editor archive The pound is up 16.9 against the effort expended to lift a tin bath full of ratlings above your head in a single, decisive movement. state of the pound archive The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871. "I can't quite make you out, the reception is terrible on this yacht," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement. MR NASH added: "At last, we have equalled the record of that popular governmental magazine exposing weediness in high places through the unflattering medium of pointillism portraits, Disraeli's Daily Brailly Quailies." * Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than its quota of readers. The Adventures of Sexton Blake The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Now available in electric record and ethereal versions.) blake archive Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance. feature archive search science A Bit Of A Chat With Constable Dan Inspiring wisdom to improve all our lives. An authentic reproduction board game, banned for 150 years for its dangerous, excoriatingly satirical content. Foxhole Chin up, it'll all be over by Christmas. You Are The Spy Participate in a spy story. feature archive The Invisible Ray It works! Where the hell am I? hurrah/bah archive full profile This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom. corner shop Position: Under-under-footman. Responsibilities: The under-under-footman is responsible for undertaking everything beneath the under-footman but beyond the under-under-under-footman. Specific duties vary from day to day, and are outlined each morning over breakfast in under ten minutes. At all other times the under-under-footman shall remain belowstairs with behaviour above reproach. Remuneration: The wage shall not exceed £8 per annum. Room and a board provided. One half-day given off each month. One half of one suit of uniform-clothes provided, to be shared with the under-under-under-footman. For this reason, duties can be expected to be allocated on the basis of visibility above or below waist height as appropriate. Sexual assignations: Permitted with parlour-maids but not chamber-maids; and the youngest defiant daughter of the household back from finishing-school if the stable-boy is unavailable. Chance of being made scapegoat by bumbling police-sergeant in event of murder: Low to reasonable. Prospects: Under-footman; valet; burglar. better yourself archive Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety.    Bored. Bored bored bored. It's rubbish at sea, there's nowhere to go at the weekend. I wonder what's for tea? Oh no, here comes Mr Mate. Bound to want something. No idea what I'm supposed to be doing, I only put on the hat and shouted "Cast off" for a joke, I just deliver desks. I know, I'll get in first. Turn right! That's done it, he's going away. It'd better not be fish again. Translated lingo captain ned archive Sign up now and keep TRICKY JOHNNY DEADFELLOW in his place. BRITONS, DO YOUR DUTY. Current scores - Dead: 5,934. Living: 7,962. join the fight advertising-announcement archive My Life Is In Your Hands! Non-Working Brakes For The Faithful The Corpse Detector Tiny Dead Ravens In A Nice Shiny Box The Eyes Of Kenneth Horne Reassuringly Genial Penetratingly Intrusive Closed-Circuit Camera Trivialiser Is That Old Bloke Still Breathing? - The Public Library Game further excellent purchases archive Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet. Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.