Was That Chap a Foreign? The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
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Maintaining Britain's Standards
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The morally instructive determinings of PROFESSOR THAUMUS PHAMBLEMELL
Is it acceptable?
A CORRESPONDENT WRITES: For my "gap year" between being sent down from university and inheriting my father's fortune, I took an educational trip around the world, broadening my mind and learning much about the foreigner's culture, such as how it is almost impossible to find a decent weskit anywhere east of Purley. Near the end of my journey I stopped for a few days in a land of sensational exoticism - I forget its name, but you would scarce believe their idea of fashionable trouserings. Visiting a temple to soak up local colour, it occurred to me that the bejewelled trinkets and valuable statuary displayed about could be far better employed increasing Britain's stock of orphanages, or reducing our national baccarat debt. Accordingly I had my servant open fire with a heavy revolver while I swept everything into a carpet-bag. Even though I left in fair exchange for these unappreciated baubles a series of amply illustrated improving treatises explaining in clutterless language how the thoughtlessly clad foreigners' quaint and amusing beliefs were quite wrong, representatives of the country have ill-temperedly pursued me back to the BRITON'S BRITAIN; and, indeed, only last night slew my servant in a manner most hideous, necessitating my drawing my own bath. Is it acceptable that a gentleman should be persecuted in this manner by the godless heathen?

PROFESSOR PHAMBLEMELL REPLIES: It is not acceptable, sir; and I have found by the invention of the packet-steamer that such occurrences are becoming discommodingly commonplace. Your course of action is obvious, sir; when these heathens broach your study, fix them imperiously with a glance and send your new servant for the nearest constable-bobby. A swift cuffing about the head will soon bring home the nonsense of their position, and I dare say you can anticipate an official apology from their ambassador.
is it acceptable? archive
Letters From the Editor
Sir:

I walked into a bar the other day - bang! It was an iron bar. I now have severe memory problems and poor control over my right hand.
Banny Fangledraught
Blandford Forum
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The Bill Before the House
Bill to Inspire Fear In the House introduced by the Rt Hon Cregulant Brakey (Undetermined), Member for Hobs End.
i. That my honourable friends are insufficiently fearful of me.
ii. Accordingly, I shall be visiting each Rt Hon Gentleman soon with my gliding gait and populous cloak.
(Cries of "Shame," "Brrrr," and, "Jesus.")
the bill before the house archive
1m
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"I'd like to reassure fanatics that it's really me in all those features, except where prohibited by the insurers," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "This figure excludes the readership of S1 for some reason, ie I omitted to work it out."

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than an equivalence of readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Now available in electric record and ethereal versions.)
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The Gentrifier
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Hurrah/Bah
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Ha ha! It's only me. Hurrah / Bah Now open the airlock.
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I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
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Better yourself
Position: Cartographer.
Responsibilities: Empire! The very word thrills the soul of even the lowliest pauper whose soul is destined to burn in the fires of hell for all eternity. Yet there is much we know not of the farthest flings of Her Gracious Majesty's dominions, and it is in this vacuum of knowledge that a shrewd and ambitious cartographer may yet stamp his mark. A cartographer of hardy constitution, iron nerve and sharpened pencil can contribute much to our understanding of such exotic and ill-explored regions as Scot-land and the Northern Poor-towns. These last frontiers of human endurance must be conquered by the courageous cartographer, irrespective of disease, hardship and weirdly ritualled anthropophagous natives so that one day our bright-eyed, cow-licked school-children may learn as much about these distant climes as they understand of Darkest Africa and the Canadian Wastes.
Remuneration: A piffling stipend of £13 is provided to furnish the initial expeditionary force, but it is understood that the cartographer lives off the land mapped. You are entitled to a generous percentage of any gold and precious ores discovered in the name of Britain, and the opportunity cannot fail to excite of meeting and cataloguing mysterious new peoples; and of the gentleman-cartographer improving their rude shapes with the BRITON'S GENES or the lady-cartographer establishing a fine and profitable seraglio against her retirement.
Risk assessment: Little is riskier than the post of cartographer when much of the world is as wild as the caving-tenements of Bolton or the Border-lands of Wales; but the wise cartographer goes well-armed with machete and Webley (and, indeed, there is much sport to be had in this manner when work is ceased for the day); and is content that all cartographers are immortalised in the name of at least one town, usually the one around which ultimately they are strewn.
Prospects: Scientist; soup; Cartographer of the Cities of Mars when that expedition is launched in the next eight months or so.
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Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
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