Was That Chap a Foreign? The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
The Weekly will return
Maintaining Britain's Standards
wholly © the weekly science combine
The morally instructive determinings of PROFESSOR THAUMUS PHAMBLEMELL
Is it acceptable?
A CORRESPONDENT WRITES: I am secretly arranging a pleasant afternoon's picnic in a sunny meadow with A Gentleman. I am unable to secure cucumbers on account of a death in a family. Is it acceptable to substitute a cucumber with a love-apple?

PROFESSOR PHAMBLEMELL REPLIES: I was under the impression I had told you never to write to me at my place of work.
is it acceptable? archive
Letters From the Editor
Sir:

We hear many voices calling for strangers to be killed and their crudely severed limbs laid against the white, white walls; standing to attention - soldiers in my army against Satan. Yet, as soon as the nurse comes round with her special sweets, they all "magically" fall silent again. Where can it have gone, that British sense of resolve which built Empire?
Arthur Streets
Gartree
letters from the editor archive
The Bill Before the House
Bill to Abolish Slavering Throughout Empire introduced by the Rt Hon Pemlit Atrahay (Lub), Member for Drule.
i. That the foul practice of slavering is a repugno-bombination in GOD'S EYES, and must be ended.
(Abstensions secured by the powerful Honourable East India Napkin Company lobby; bill moves to Lords as part of the debate on spitting on doorsteps.)
the bill before the house archive
1m
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"I'd like to thank my staff of seven writers who... check... my spelling and do nothing else," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "I'd like to thank Henderson's and TRAMP DRINK."

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than a handful of unsatisfactory employees and some readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Now available in electric record and ethereal versions.)
blake archive
Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
feature archive
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To-day's features
Talking In Conversation With Joseph Of Montford
A conversational talk with the discoverer of the semicolon.
Sports Weekly
A perfect day for a great day of sport.
Hope it's Henderson's
Mmmm.
Millington's Face: I Am Going To Die
In which MR MILLINGTON ends his life on the ocean wave.
feature archive
Hurrah/Bah
His View of the Gorge
Splendid. Simply breath- taking. Hurrah / Bah And she's still not yet hit the bottom.
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
full profile
I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
corner shop
Better yourself
Position: Under-under-footman.
Responsibilities: The under-under-footman is responsible for undertaking everything beneath the under-footman but beyond the under-under-under-footman. Specific duties vary from day to day, and are outlined each morning over breakfast in under ten minutes. At all other times the under-under-footman shall remain belowstairs with behaviour above reproach.
Remuneration: The wage shall not exceed £8 per annum. Room and a board provided. One half-day given off each month. One half of one suit of uniform-clothes provided, to be shared with the under-under-under-footman. For this reason, duties can be expected to be allocated on the basis of visibility above or below waist height as appropriate.
Sexual assignations: Permitted with parlour-maids but not chamber-maids; and the youngest defiant daughter of the household back from finishing-school if the stable-boy is unavailable.
Chance of being made scapegoat by bumbling police-sergeant in event of murder: Low to reasonable.
Prospects: Under-footman; valet; burglar.
better yourself archive
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Current scores -
Dead: 5,971.
Living: 8,055.
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Advertising-announcement
Advertising-announcement
advertising-announcement archive
Further excellent purchases
High-Use Sign Letters For Downmarket Businesses, Including EZ, U, K And 'n'
The Cowl Mate
The Jaw Crank
The All-New Catalogue Of Errors
The One-Pound Stone
further excellent purchases archive
The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Archives
Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.
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