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Sir:
Thought you might be interested to know that I've succeeded in encasing a Vauxhall Corsa 12V in a box for 24 hours without incident. We've seen many things packed in boxes up to now, including televisions, tins of ham, flat-packed furniture, apples, refrigerators, curling tongs, jars of fish-paste, linen, training shoes, blank video-cassettes, biscuits, midi hi-fi systems, clocks, photocopier paper, light fittings, greeting cards, baby listeners, nails, feminine garb, magnets, standardised plug units, vertical blinds, high-quality collectable oven-fired dinnerware, books, security mirrors, lawnmowers and transparent tubular mice cities, but never before a Vauxhall Corsa 12V. I feel we've turned a corner. |
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Bill to Explode the House introduced by the Rt Hon Futility Brabletawn, Member for London-town.
i. Let's blow up the House, you fellows!
(Passed unanimously from a distance.) |
| the bill before the house archive |
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The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.
"I'd like to thank my milkman for the two extra pints this morning," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.
MR NASH added: "I'd like to thank nutrition."
* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than its quota of readers. |
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Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance. |
| feature archive |
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| This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom. |
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Game: Martin Cufflemow.
Played chiefly in: Ardgartan.
Objective: A park game. One player is designated the Martin and must make their way across the park at a steady pace, all the while performing rhythmic sweeping motions with their posed hands, as if mowing the grass. Their opponents, who have concealed themselves up trees, behind bushes and in shallow pits, must try to land a cuff as the Martin comes within range.
Obstacles: A starved tiger wearing a belled hat is loose in the park.
Rating: Contentious: today's social historians refute the traditional reading that the game is based on the life of Martin Luther, citing the many parallels with that of Una Stubbs. |
| heritage of games archive |
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