Beware the Idles' March The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
SNAKES & LADDERS
Vandalised, soaking lifts & chipped concrete steps

Trenches & landmines

Splintered knee falling off the wall-bars & horse-vaults

Oubliettes & catapults

Evap-o-Floor & jet-packs
Radio Porn
(LANGUID BAROQUE.)

Helga Melons - A Life.

(MUSIC FADES.)

Hello, I'm David Timms and joining me on A Life this week is the star of over a thousand pornographic productions spanning more than 40 years, Helga Melons. Helga.

Hello, David.

Helga Melons - not your real name, of course.

That's right, it's obviously a joke, I changed it for the billing. In fact, I was born Hilda Melhuish.

Helga, you began your career in Stockholm in the early Fifties...

Yes, that's right. This was long before video recorders were invented, of course. A few isolated individuals had 8mm projectors, but to make money we had to reach the average onanist - which meant radio.

So you simulated sex for radio broadcasts.

Oh no, we actually had sex - the audience can always spot it if you're not genuine. I can vividly remember my first producer telling me that.

We have a recording of one of those early shows.

Really? How marvellous.

(SOUND OF OLD RECORDING. TINNY VERSION OF SOME SLEAZY JAZZ SONG IN BACKGROUND.)

(ALL DIALOGUE IMPOSSIBLY STILTED.)

Oh, Helga, what big breasts you have. They are getting on for the size of beach balls. If I wasn't aroused earlier, then I certainly am now.

I too am incredibly hot. Just looking at your thing really turns me on.

You mean this thing?

No. The other thing.

(KNOCK ON DOOR.)

Room service! Oh, excuse me.


" The other thing knock on "
No that's all right. Would you like to join in. I am, as you can see, hot.

OK then.

(GASPING, GROANING, BED SPRINGS AND BREAKING CROCKERY TO FADE.)


Splendid.

Yes, in many ways a seminal piece. We were the first to exploit the possibilities of a waiter arriving unexpectedly. Nowadays you see it everywhere - it's almost become self-parodying - but if it weren't for us the threesome might never have existed.

I understand you discovered the female orgasm too, in...

Kiel, that's right. Kiel, June 1962. We didn't know it was an orgasm at the time, of course. We thought it was some sort of cerebral embolism and the crew rushed me to casualty. They called in some specialists, eventually identified it as a female orgasm and put it in a box for me. I carry it with me always - look...

(SMALL BOX OPENING, SQUEAL, SMALL BOX CLOSING.)

Enchanting. And the multiple orgasm followed shortly afterwards?

No, we just made that up so we'd have somewhere to go with the sequel. Women don't really have those.

Let's move on to the Seventies.

During the Seventies moustaches became de rigueur, production values hit a high point and things also became much more politicised.

Yes - we have another clip here, from "Sexomania 73", that I think illustrates that point.

(BADLY EDITED GENERIC RHYTHM & BLUES TRACK, BED SPRINGS, GASPING GROANING AND BREAKING CROCKERY.)

Oh! Do it to me!

I am.

Do it to me like the petro-chemical industry is doing it to indigenous tribal communities in Latin America!

I am.

(KNOCK ON DOOR.)

Plumber! I've come about the - Oh, excuse me.

(MUSIC OUT.)


Dangerous stuff.

Yes, that was the problem with much of my work from the period. "Sexomania 73" is still banned in the UK because of its stance on Northern Ireland.

" Horse smokescreen the Eighties "
The British Board of Film Classification cites its "relentless, close-up depiction of bodily functions, and the horse."

Smokescreen.

The Eighties, of course, have become known as your Anal Period.

That's right. Though I don't think I was noticeably more fussy and introspective during that time than any other.

But you did become Sweden's Minister of the Interior.

Yes, but a rather indifferent one, I think. I was certainly no more obsessional about the Conveyancing Reform Act amendments than I was about, for example, the climax shot with Punchy Massive in "Big Greased Fruit" - we did that scene fourteen times.

Really?

Yes, Punchy's never forgiven me. Well, I think he hasn't; hard to tell, he's only been able to communicate by blinking his eyes since the final take.

It was a cracker, though.

Thank you.

And to the Nineties... Where now for Helga Melons?

Well, the retrospective video box set is out this week, and there's some interest in America about a TV movie based on my life, starring Lindsay Wagner.

Why Lindsay Wagner?

Because it's a TV movie based on a true story. It's a union rule or something. Well, her or Heather Locklear, anyway, and - off the record - I don't believe Heather has the range.

Helga Melons, thank you.

Thank you.

No, thank you.

Well, I'll show you how thankful I am.

Oooh, yes! Well, here's a size of my thankfulness too, baby.

Mmmmm, let me sit on your big, big thanks...

(DOOR OPENS.)

Sound Recordist! Oh - excuse me...

(GASPING, GROANING, BED SPRINGS AND BREAKING CROCKERY.)

(LANGUID BAROQUE.)
UNUSED CLIMAXES
Punishing fist-fight in mine cart trapped in car wash

Fast draw in queue for token machine in disreputable amusement arcade at half-past two on a Tuesday

"I suppose you're wondering why I conference-called you all here today"

Dizzying race to freedom atop B-road flyover bridge

Small invisible monsters attack hero from own pockets; he is armed with a ladle
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