A Knight Knows The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
Your Name Here
Names. Many of us have them, yet what do they mean? It may surprise you to learn that the name as we know it is a relatively recent invention. In small, prehistoric settlements only a few people lived together, so all they needed to tell each other apart was a simple system of colour-coded badges. As populations grew, the number of shades required exceeded contemporary dye technologies, so "the name" (as the first was called, later becoming known as "a name") was developed by scientists.

The cost of a name indicated to others its owner's social position: the price of Tarquin (or "Handsome one"), for example, kept it out of the hands of all but the nobility, with peasants forced to club together to buy a job-lot of Johns ("I do your bidding") or Toms ("The social order was ordained by God"). The situation continued until the so-called Name Tax was abolished by Britain's newly elected Communist government in August 1946, and not reintroduced until after the cabinet's dissolution following internal squabbling, schism and mass assassination of its key figures by the army in August 1946.

The Weekly, working closely with the Royal Academy of Everything, has prepared a complete scientifi-linguistic analysis of every name ever. To learn about your name, and hence more about yourself, please complete the following profile. (All information gathered is reduced to atoms once your name is deciphered.)

Your first name
Your nationality
What are your favourite parts of the language?
How is your nickname composed?
Which is your favourite punctuating-device?
 
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