Beware the Idles' March The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
The Weekly will return
Maintaining Britain's Standards
wholly © the weekly science combine
Nautical Lingo With Captain Ned
Captain Steer a course nor by nor-nor-east!
Original lingo
captain ned archive
Letters From the Editor

Couldn't - hang on, the phone's ringing.
Lithotrity Fowlds
letters from the editor archive
Confounding Riddles With The Master Of Riddles
I am the Master Of Riddles. Can you untangle my devious glottic knots?
Higgledy, piggledy
Here we lie
Picked and plucked
And put in a pie.
My first is snapping - snarling - growling
My second's busy - romping - prowling.
Higgledy, piggledy
Here we lie
Picked and plucked
And put in a pie.

Question: What in the name of the Christ is going on here?
Answer: Something to do with the animals at an inner-city petting zoo, or something, I think.
riddle archive
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"Are you quite sure you don't mean" said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "At last, we have equalled the record of that popular governmental magazine exposing weediness in high places through the unflattering medium of pointillism portraits, Disraeli's Daily Brailly Quailies."

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than its quota of readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Acknowledged reluctantly by the contractually obliged noise emitters.)
blake archive
Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
feature archive
Search The Weekly
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To-day's features
10,000 Years Of The Weekly
Can it really be ten thousand years since The Weekly began publication? Yes it can. The event is celebrated appropriately.
Millington's Face: Splendour Of The Deep
In which MR MILLINGTON takes his face underwater, intending to keep it safely dry.
Cookery Corridor
Another smashing recipe from Mrs Beefy. Today - baboon.
"Little Wonder" Caustic Atomiser
An animated item of interest to popular ladies.
feature archive
An Entertaining Accessory
Peep! Honk! Haha! Phweep! Hurrah / Bah Anyway, up on to the gallows, please.
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
full profile
I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
corner shop
Better yourself
Position: Under-under-footman.
Responsibilities: The under-under-footman is responsible for undertaking everything beneath the under-footman but beyond the under-under-under-footman. Specific duties vary from day to day, and are outlined each morning over breakfast in under ten minutes. At all other times the under-under-footman shall remain belowstairs with behaviour above reproach.
Remuneration: The wage shall not exceed £8 per annum. Room and a board provided. One half-day given off each month. One half of one suit of uniform-clothes provided, to be shared with the under-under-under-footman. For this reason, duties can be expected to be allocated on the basis of visibility above or below waist height as appropriate.
Sexual assignations: Permitted with parlour-maids but not chamber-maids; and the youngest defiant daughter of the household back from finishing-school if the stable-boy is unavailable.
Chance of being made scapegoat by bumbling police-sergeant in event of murder: Low to reasonable.
Prospects: Under-footman; valet; burglar.
better yourself archive
Sub Up
Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety.
Nautical Lingo With Captain Ned
Of course, that ought to be, "Neither steer north, nor northeast." Education is wasted at sea. Oh, we've sunk again. Captain
Translated lingo
captain ned archive
Your Plane Needs You!
Sign up now and keep TRICKY JOHNNY DEADFELLOW in his place. BRITONS, DO YOUR DUTY.
Current scores -
Dead: 5,979.
Living: 8,112.
join the fight
advertising-announcement archive
Further excellent purchases
Reg Varney's Lunch
The Turf Tidy
Kick-start Primitive Cultures With The Two-in-One Firewheel
Japanese Schoolgirl Milk
The Near-The-Knuckle Explicitly Shaped Knuckle-Shaving Apparatus
further excellent purchases archive
The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.