Cast Out the Pesky The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
The Weekly will return
Maintaining Britain's Standards
wholly © the weekly science combine
Nautical Lingo With Captain Ned
Captain It's a fair wind and an open sea, my hearties. Let's see if they can take us over the horizon!
Original lingo
captain ned archive
Letters From the Editor

I work daily with deception, lies and strategical disinformation. However, with all this crossing, double-crossing, triple-crossing, quadruple-crossing and so on, I can't remember - is it the odd or even numbers that are good for me?
Stemmy Matprobe
letters from the editor archive
State of the Pound
The pound is up 8 against the light bong of a saucepan colliding with an unremorseful skull.
state of the pound archive
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"Are you quite sure you don't mean" said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "And remember, readers, we couldn't have done it without you. Well, we could have, but it would have taken longer."

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than a collective noun of readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Now available in electric record and ethereal versions.)
blake archive
Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
feature archive
Search The Weekly
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To-day's features
Totween Kemmle: Britain's Voice Of Music- hall
That merry anecdotist of the stages.
Ronald Dahl: The Tale of the Tramps
Another tale from the master of suspensefulness to chill your soups.
DVD Edition: Mr Bond
A special edition cartoon with commentary.
Wireless Weekly: Mr Churchill's Fiscal Initiative
An archive broadcast of interest to ears.
feature archive
Good Evening
Might I trouble you for a glass of water? Hurrah / Bah Only my wife is alight.
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
full profile
I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
corner shop
Britain's Heritage of Games
Game: Extendy!
Played chiefly in: Chertsey.
Objective: Be the last player remaining in the game by "extending" it beyond all natural levels of interest and skill. Players can add new rules and goals arbitrarily, directly contradicting earlier ones if they like, with the sole purpose of driving what entertainment value the game may once have possessed deeply into the cold, cold ground and causing everyone else to give up in broken dismay.
Obstacles: Death. A properly run game of Extendy! with a full set of obdurately self-destructive players can run for up to 117 years, and nothing upsets a participant more than another dropping dead before they've officially resigned.
Rating: Not a spectator favourite.
heritage of games archive
Sub Up
Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety.
Nautical Lingo With Captain Ned
It's a nice day. Let's go for a drive. Captain
Translated lingo
captain ned archive
Your Plane Needs You!
Sign up now and keep TRICKY JOHNNY DEADFELLOW in his place. BRITONS, DO YOUR DUTY.
Current scores -
Dead: 5,976.
Living: 8,090.
join the fight
advertising-announcement archive
Further excellent purchases
The Mould Mould
Watch That Child! Puncture-Free Ceramic Tyres
Derek Nimmo's Holy Scissors
The Mole, Cockroach, Mouse, Rat, Ant And Spider Hitter
Honestly Different Batteries (by MR S HOBBS)
further excellent purchases archive
The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.