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Bill to Dissipate the Influence of the Criming-Criminal introduced by the Rt Hon Rthon Foabes (Whig), Member for Tidewell.
i. That ALL CRIME is committed by the chimney classes; thefore THE CHIMNEY ITSELF IS A CRIMINAL.
ii. To remove and destroy ALL CHIMNEYS from across Britain, replacing them as structural newelposts with the PAUPER'S YOUTH, thus ensuring gainful employment for the laggardly.
(Second reading.) |
| the bill before the house archive |
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The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.
"I'd like to thank my milkman for the two extra pints this morning," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.
MR NASH added: "Distribute the bayonets! The time arrives!"
* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than a slumful of readers. |
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Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance. |
| feature archive |
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| A Brisk Walk |
| Splendid, dignified exercise. |
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Ah! Another town for my plague. |
| hurrah/bah archive |
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| This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom. |
| corner shop |
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Game: Uncremate!
Played chiefly in: Clent Hills.
Objective: In the initial round, players must gather ornamental urns containing the cremated remains of friends, relatives or reasonably well-known celebrities. In the second and main round, players use adhesives of their own choosing (usually a simple floury paste) to mould a recognisable head from the ashes. The group as a whole judges the fidelity of each likeness in turn, promoting confidence in the BRITON'S FAIRNESS, and the winner is crowned King or Queenly King of the People Flakes.
Obstacles: Rain; the fleetest participant is elected "the vicar" and attempts in exciting chases to cree to wrestle away urns in the first round, and any player so losing their urn has the ashes poured down their collar; the vicar.
Rating: Healthy. |
| heritage of games archive |
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| Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety. |
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