A Knight Knows The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
The Weekly will return
Maintaining Britain's Standards
wholly © the weekly science combine
The morally instructive determinings of PROFESSOR THAUMUS PHAMBLEMELL
Is it acceptable?
A CORRESPONDENT WRITES: I am secretly arranging a pleasant afternoon's picnic in a sunny meadow with A Gentleman. I am unable to secure cucumbers on account of a death in a family. Is it acceptable to substitute a cucumber with a love-apple?

PROFESSOR PHAMBLEMELL REPLIES: I was under the impression I had told you never to write to me at my place of work.
is it acceptable? archive
Letters From the Editor

I am not an elephant, I am a free man.
John Merrick
The Village
letters from the editor archive
State of the Pound
The pound is down 98 against biting with a fractured tooth into a twist of lemon.
state of the pound archive
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"I love my frog!" said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "Have you told MR MILLINGTON yet? He's staying in his private county."

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than an equivalence of readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Acknowledged reluctantly by the contractually obliged noise emitters.)
blake archive
Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
feature archive
Search The Weekly
Search The Weekly
search science
To-day's features
Wireless Weekly: Flight 317 to San Francisco
An education broadcast of interest to ears. Featuring Music- hall's Mrs Susan George.
Chin up, it'll all be over by Christmas.
Performance Artist
My art is not for your narrow labels. My art is free and wide and labelled, "No label."
Derek's Day
Wednesday, probably. No, wait - Thursday, as Wednesday was that mix- up at the canteen with the sausage and mash, then the church garrotting.
feature archive
Dear Old Cook
'Tis the baby's favourite, m'm. Hurrah / Bah Pop him in.
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
full profile
I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
corner shop
Britain's Heritage of Games
Game: Pinch-Me Punch-You.
Played chiefly in: Bude.
Objective: A hide-and-seek variation; if the "Pinch-Me" or "Punch-You" players are found, seeker must run back to cree first and shout "No hands, no hands" to avoid physical penalty of pinching or punching.
Obstacles: Burning petrol sprayed from circling helicopter.
Rating: Rough.
heritage of games archive
Sub Up
Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety.
Your Plane Needs You!
Sign up now and keep TRICKY JOHNNY DEADFELLOW in his place. BRITONS, DO YOUR DUTY.
Current scores -
Dead: 5,979.
Living: 8,109.
join the fight
advertising-announcement archive
Further excellent purchases
500 Near-Identical Slivers Of Bark And A Single Matching Pair
Other People's Post
The Atlantic (Gravitational Pull Of The Moon Not Included)
Strokealike! Muscle Slackener
That Flue-Widening Gizmo! Also Widens Trouser Waistbands, Uncomfortable Shoes, Unsatisfactorily Narrow Fruits And Your Baby Brother's Knowledge If You Put It In His Mouth On Setting Eight. Go On, Put It In His Mouth. No One's Looking. Go On - It's Perfectly Safe, We Wouldn't Tell You To If It Weren't. Gooooo On. Wait, Someone's Coming. Down, Put It Down. Pick Up That Book, That's Right. Any Page Will Do. Hello! Phew, They Didn't Suspect A Thing. Oh No - They've Taken Your Baby Brother For His Bath. Well, We'll Just Wait For Another Chance Deluxe
further excellent purchases archive
The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.