A Knight Knows The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
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Maintaining Britain's Standards
wholly © the weekly science combine
The morally instructive determinings of PROFESSOR THAUMUS PHAMBLEMELL
Is it acceptable?
A CORRESPONDENT WRITES: Following exhaustive consideration of our tentacly strategem, my colleagues and I were discommoded by the foxing of our invasion of the BRITON'S PLANET through our entire army dropping dead of the common cold. Is it acceptable that a meddlesome microbe be responsible for defeating a well-thought-out scheme?

is it acceptable? archive
Letters From the Editor

In this age of global commerce, I thought your readers might be interested in this tip. I deal in Deryck Guyler memorabilia, and recently sold my company for ten billion pounds. My foreign partners were delighted, and declared themselves fully satisfied when I despatched a cheque for £5,000,000,000, representing their half-share in the business. This leaves me with £9,995,000,000,000, or an additional profit of some ten thousand per cent. In my experience, international companies fall for this every time, except the French since 1948, and I dare say that come my retirement I'll have a fairly tidy sum put by. My friend Bob says it also works when you're dividing the proceeds from a large, pan-continentally sponsored robbery.
Bernest Tummy
Armley Moor Arram
letters from the editor archive
State of the Pound
The pound is up 16.9 against the effort expended to lift a tin bath full of ratlings above your head in a single, decisive movement.
state of the pound archive
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"Are you quite sure you don't mean theweekly.com?" said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "I'd like to thank Henderson's and TRAMP DRINK."

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than fifty specially selected readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Acknowledged reluctantly by the contractually obliged noise emitters.)
blake archive
Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
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To-day's features
Also Starring
Grudging acknowledgement of the others appearing in this magazine. (Javascript- only.)
I've Lived Here All My Life
Motorist, you have chosen wisely.
Earth Focus
Science looks to the world of tomorrow.
Stan Stanislavski: How I Wrote This Column
A writer prepares.
feature archive
A Medical Inspection
Your hearing is perfect. Hurrah / Bah But you have cancer. Of the head.
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
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I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
corner shop
Better yourself
Position: Cartographer.
Responsibilities: Empire! The very word thrills the soul of even the lowliest pauper whose soul is destined to burn in the fires of hell for all eternity. Yet there is much we know not of the farthest flings of Her Gracious Majesty's dominions, and it is in this vacuum of knowledge that a shrewd and ambitious cartographer may yet stamp his mark. A cartographer of hardy constitution, iron nerve and sharpened pencil can contribute much to our understanding of such exotic and ill-explored regions as Scot-land and the Northern Poor-towns. These last frontiers of human endurance must be conquered by the courageous cartographer, irrespective of disease, hardship and weirdly ritualled anthropophagous natives so that one day our bright-eyed, cow-licked school-children may learn as much about these distant climes as they understand of Darkest Africa and the Canadian Wastes.
Remuneration: A piffling stipend of £13 is provided to furnish the initial expeditionary force, but it is understood that the cartographer lives off the land mapped. You are entitled to a generous percentage of any gold and precious ores discovered in the name of Britain, and the opportunity cannot fail to excite of meeting and cataloguing mysterious new peoples; and of the gentleman-cartographer improving their rude shapes with the BRITON'S GENES or the lady-cartographer establishing a fine and profitable seraglio against her retirement.
Risk assessment: Little is riskier than the post of cartographer when much of the world is as wild as the caving-tenements of Bolton or the Border-lands of Wales; but the wise cartographer goes well-armed with machete and Webley (and, indeed, there is much sport to be had in this manner when work is ceased for the day); and is content that all cartographers are immortalised in the name of at least one town, usually the one around which ultimately they are strewn.
Prospects: Scientist; soup; Cartographer of the Cities of Mars when that expedition is launched in the next eight months or so.
better yourself archive
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Further excellent purchases
What A Lovely Blouse
Help Me, Val Doonican!
My Little Yoni
A Cheap Disposable Pen Which Doesn't Run Out Of Ink At Exactly The Moment You Need It: Instead A Powerful Spring Bursts The Plastic Reservoir Out Of The Top Of The Tube And Through Your Cheekbone
Todd's Soup
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The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.