Beware the Idles' March The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
The Weekly will return
Maintaining Britain's Standards
wholly © the weekly science combine
Nautical Lingo With Captain Ned
Captain Engine room - half ahead!
Original lingo
captain ned archive
Letters From the Editor

All I want is for everyone else in the entire world to drop down dead right now. Is that too much to ask?
W Laggle
Scholar Green
letters from the editor archive
The Bill Before the House
Bill to Expand the Voting Base of the BRITON'S DEMOCRACY introduced by the Rt Hon Teabun Manly (Soc), Member for Bootle.
i. That the measure of democracy is in the extension of suffrage.
ii. Accordingly, to extend the vote to landed gentry aged 31 and over who earn less than £15,001 per annum.
(Defeated unanimously; the Rt Hon Gentleman symbolically horse-whipped by Her Gracious Majesty the full height of the House steps.)
the bill before the house archive
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"If I'd have my way and it'd been set in LA and starred Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks it'd have been five times that by now," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "And remember, readers, we couldn't have done it without you. Well, we could have, but it would have taken longer."

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than a handful of unsatisfactory employees and some readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Now available in electric record and ethereal versions.)
blake archive
Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
feature archive
Search The Weekly
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To-day's features
Hoi Hup La!
A programme of improving exercise for a happier, healthier Britain.
Performance Artist
My art is not for your narrow labels. My art is free and wide and labelled, "No label."
The Gentrifier
Dispel discourtesy and banish the linguistically slovenly wherever they may be with The Weekly's champion of splendidness.
Mr Aesop's Just So Fable Stories
Moral tales.
feature archive
Their Master Rethinks His Budget
You're saved from the glue factory. Hurrah / Bah Let's get you home to trample my child.
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
full profile
I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
corner shop
Britain's Heritage of Games
Game: Lionel-Pop!
Played chiefly in: Damage Barton.
Objective: Discovery of appointed "Lionel Stander."
Obstacles: Blindfolded; other players gargle hoarsely as decoys.
Rating: Well above stand"e"rd.
heritage of games archive
Sub Up
Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety.
Nautical Lingo With Captain Ned
Turn left a bit, or we'll hit it. I told you it was nitrous oxide that temporarily improved engine performance, not kegs of gunpowder. And have everyone lean over the front rail to keep the hole out of the water. Captain
Translated lingo
captain ned archive
Your Plane Needs You!
Sign up now and keep TRICKY JOHNNY DEADFELLOW in his place. BRITONS, DO YOUR DUTY.
Current scores -
Dead: 5,978.
Living: 8,104.
join the fight
advertising-announcement archive
Further excellent purchases
The Non-Humorous Bosom
Attack Me, I'm Weak! Darwinian Personal Alarm
Teeny-Tiny Books
Dumbfoundingly Sickening Salad Dressing
Finger Nail Remover
further excellent purchases archive
The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.