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Ladies! Beware of the chap
Who entreats you to sit on his lap.
It may seem quite gay
In the style of the day
But it ends with you both in a flap. |
| limerick archive |
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| The pound is holding steady against that feeling of angry frustration akin to having four seconds in which to convey electro-magnetic induction to 40 six-year-old Polish mutes in a plummeting lift filled with water and a thrashing bison. |
| state of the pound archive |
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The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.
"What foresight to have introduced a charge of 1p per page when the magazine began," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.
MR NASH added: "Set against such a number, the life of one person seems insignificant. Or, indeed, the lives of all the people on that train. History will judge me."
* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than nineteen, perhaps thirty or sixty-six readers. |
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Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance. |
| feature archive |
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| A Brisk Walk |
| Splendid, dignified exercise. |
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Ah! Another town for my plague. |
| hurrah/bah archive |
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| This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom. |
| corner shop |
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Position: Under-under-footman.
Responsibilities: The under-under-footman is responsible for undertaking everything beneath the under-footman but beyond the under-under-under-footman. Specific duties vary from day to day, and are outlined each morning over breakfast in under ten minutes. At all other times the under-under-footman shall remain belowstairs with behaviour above reproach.
Remuneration: The wage shall not exceed £8 per annum. Room and a board provided. One half-day given off each month. One half of one suit of uniform-clothes provided, to be shared with the under-under-under-footman. For this reason, duties can be expected to be allocated on the basis of visibility above or below waist height as appropriate.
Sexual assignations: Permitted with parlour-maids but not chamber-maids; and the youngest defiant daughter of the household back from finishing-school if the stable-boy is unavailable.
Chance of being made scapegoat by bumbling police-sergeant in event of murder: Low to reasonable.
Prospects: Under-footman; valet; burglar. |
| better yourself archive |
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| Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety. |
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