The Weekly will return Maintaining Britain's Standards wholly © the weekly science combine Fifteen men on a dead man's chest, yo ho ho and a bottle of rum! Original lingo captain ned archive Sir: Ssss-sss-sss-sss. Shhhwooshgrkk- ka-rkk-ka-rkkk-a-gnk. What the hell was that Going-up-the-Hoover letters from the editor archive The pound is up six-and-a-half against the peseta when packed tightly into a poised sock as an investment opportunity in secluded lanes leading away from the theatre. state of the pound archive The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871. "You've reached the home of Mil Millington. I'm not in at the moment because I'm attending a fabulously glamorous book launch party in the nude, but leave a message and I'll have my personal assistant get back to you in the nude," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement. MR NASH added: "I'd like to thank all those talented artists we've been waiting for to die." * Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than two hundred readers. The Adventures of Sexton Blake The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Acknowledged reluctantly by the contractually obliged noise emitters.) blake archive Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance. feature archive search science Hope it's Henderson's Mmmm. Falsity For The Artless A three- step programme of lying. Terror Of Doctor X Returns Back An exciting photo- story. 10,000 Years Of The Weekly Can it really be ten thousand years since The Weekly began publication? Yes it can. The event is celebrated appropriately. feature archive At the Dentist's Your teeth are fine. But your daugh- ter's dead. hurrah/bah archive full profile This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom. corner shop Position: Cartographer. Responsibilities: Empire! The very word thrills the soul of even the lowliest pauper whose soul is destined to burn in the fires of hell for all eternity. Yet there is much we know not of the farthest flings of Her Gracious Majesty's dominions, and it is in this vacuum of knowledge that a shrewd and ambitious cartographer may yet stamp his mark. A cartographer of hardy constitution, iron nerve and sharpened pencil can contribute much to our understanding of such exotic and ill-explored regions as Scot-land and the Northern Poor-towns. These last frontiers of human endurance must be conquered by the courageous cartographer, irrespective of disease, hardship and weirdly ritualled anthropophagous natives so that one day our bright-eyed, cow-licked school-children may learn as much about these distant climes as they understand of Darkest Africa and the Canadian Wastes. Remuneration: A piffling stipend of £13 is provided to furnish the initial expeditionary force, but it is understood that the cartographer lives off the land mapped. You are entitled to a generous percentage of any gold and precious ores discovered in the name of Britain, and the opportunity cannot fail to excite of meeting and cataloguing mysterious new peoples; and of the gentleman-cartographer improving their rude shapes with the BRITON'S GENES or the lady-cartographer establishing a fine and profitable seraglio against her retirement. Risk assessment: Little is riskier than the post of cartographer when much of the world is as wild as the caving-tenements of Bolton or the Border-lands of Wales; but the wise cartographer goes well-armed with machete and Webley (and, indeed, there is much sport to be had in this manner when work is ceased for the day); and is content that all cartographers are immortalised in the name of at least one town, usually the one around which ultimately they are strewn. Prospects: Scientist; soup; Cartographer of the Cities of Mars when that expedition is launched in the next eight months or so. better yourself archive Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety.    A packet of crisps, please, and a bottle of washing-up liquid. Translated lingo captain ned archive Sign up now and keep TRICKY JOHNNY DEADFELLOW in his place. BRITONS, DO YOUR DUTY. Current scores - Dead: 5,988. Living: 8,136. join the fight advertising-announcement archive Llaammppppoosstts Clockwork Tenors The Childhood Fears Nursery Mobile Look Everyone, Here Comes Kenneth Kendall! Subcutaneous Kendall-Tracer Dart-Gun Box Of Translations (Loose) further excellent purchases archive Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet. Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.