Cast Out the Pesky The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
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Maintaining Britain's Standards
wholly © the weekly science combine
The morally instructive determinings of PROFESSOR THAUMUS PHAMBLEMELL
Is it acceptable?
A CORRESPONDENT WRITES: Some little time ago, while defending my position with cogent argument in a dispute concerning a game of chance, I shot and killed the Duke of Exeter, his mother and the local rector, no more than two or three dinner-guests, a gentleman who asked me directions on the way home, and everyone in my house; and, some days later, an Inspector and several police officers who confronted me at a railway station, and an inspector. Since that time, I have been blackballed by my clubs, and sent to Coventry by friends and business partners, some of whom I have also subsequently shot and killed. It seems that my only recourse is to start a new life in a far-off land of savages, like Coventry. Is it acceptable for society to ostracise those of us who succumb to a string of single moments of weakened madness?

PROFESSOR PHAMBLEMELL REPLIES: Yes, sir, my emphasis on yessing; it is quite acceptable for your circle to behave in this manner. We most of us have in our time, sir, shot a peer during a card game; it is all in the MANLY ROUGH-AND-TUMBLE of an evening's distracting-entertainment, and as much a part of the VIGOROUS FOLLY OF SWEET YOUTH as knocking away a police-man's hat and fathering negligently. It is your INDISCRETION, sir, which undoes you: by all means exercise your harmless hobby, but maintain discretion at every turn; there is NO SHAME in beating and killing a man, it is why God has given us the servant-classes. Once you have grasped this point and made some APPROPRIATE GESTURE OF APOLOGY such as purchasing a mill, society will forgive you as our own MR J CHRIST has taught.
is it acceptable? archive
Letters From the Editor
Sir:

What's small, red and has sixteen legs? Give up? That's disappointing, as one's just crawled up my trousers. It's bitten me, and I'm having trouble breathing. My vision is blurring, I'm sweating and the fingers of my left hand have gone numb. Frankly, I expected more of you. I am cancelling my subscription.
Simon Yummy
North Brode
letters from the editor archive
State of the Pound
The pound is up 0.6192 against a single throaty cry cut off by the sounds of a heavy blow, then a pause and a loud splash, but it's probably the cat next door again.
state of the pound archive
1m
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"If I'd have my way and it'd been set in LA and starred Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks it'd have been five times that by now," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "That urchin stole my gruel."

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than a handful of unsatisfactory employees and some readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Now available in electric record and ethereal versions.)
blake archive
Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
feature archive
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To-day's features
Wireless Weekly: Flight 317 to San Francisco
An education broadcast of interest to ears. Featuring Music- hall's Mrs Susan George.
My Album
A photographic record of a refreshing holiday.
I Am The Librarian
An introduction to your community library.
Pornography Of The Gods
That raunchy Zeus - he just doesn't know what he's going to do next. You'll never look at a king of the gods in the same way again!
feature archive
Hurrah/Bah
The Flying Tramp
Hurrah/Bah
"Up, up and away!"
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
full profile
I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
corner shop
Britain's Heritage of Games
Game: Extendy!
Played chiefly in: Chertsey.
Objective: Be the last player remaining in the game by "extending" it beyond all natural levels of interest and skill. Players can add new rules and goals arbitrarily, directly contradicting earlier ones if they like, with the sole purpose of driving what entertainment value the game may once have possessed deeply into the cold, cold ground and causing everyone else to give up in broken dismay.
Obstacles: Death. A properly run game of Extendy! with a full set of obdurately self-destructive players can run for up to 117 years, and nothing upsets a participant more than another dropping dead before they've officially resigned.
Rating: Not a spectator favourite.
heritage of games archive
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Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety.
  
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Sign up now and keep TRICKY JOHNNY DEADFELLOW in his place. BRITONS, DO YOUR DUTY.
Current scores -
Dead: 5,973.
Living: 8,072.
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advertising-announcement archive
Further excellent purchases
The Bumper Book Of World Customs Illustrated Smuggling Guide
Tiny Dead Ravens In A Nice Shiny Box
Digital Fingers
The Broken Biscuit Broken Barrel
Is That Old Bloke Still Breathing? - The Public Library Game
further excellent purchases archive
The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Archives
Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.
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