Beware the Idles' March The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
The Weekly will return
Maintaining Britain's Standards
wholly © the weekly science combine
Nautical Lingo With Captain Ned
Captain What shall we do with the drunken sailor? What shall we do with the drunken sailor? What shall we do with the drunken sailor, early in the morning? Heave ho, and up she rises, patent blocks of different sizes, heave ho, and up she rises, early in the morning. Sling him in the long-boat until he's sober. Sling him in the long-boat until he's sober. Sling him in the long-boat until he's sober, early in the morning.
Original lingo
captain ned archive
Letters From the Editor

Who among us can say he has not at some point been Wilfred Pickles?
Wilfred Pickles
letters from the editor archive
Confounding Riddles With The Master Of Riddles
I am the Master Of Riddles. Can you untangle my devious glottic knots?
Little Nancy Etticoat
In her white petticoat
And her red nose.
The longer she stands
The shorter she grows.

Question: Who is Nancy Etticoat?

Answer: She is an old woman with osteoperosis.
riddle archive
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"STOP STARING AT ME," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "Crude quantities do not concern me. Unlike crude foreign lithographs."

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than an equivalence of readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Now available in electric record and ethereal versions.)
blake archive
Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
feature archive
Search The Weekly
Search The Weekly
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To-day's features

An authentic reproduction board game, banned for 150 years for its dangerous, excoriatingly satirical content.
You Damned Interfering Jackanapes
Another baffling case for Inspector Geezer and Constable Aaarghh.
Irregular Dread: How To Set Your Garden On Fire
A foolproof recipe for disaster. By MR S ANDERSON.
Radio Porn
A long- overdue retrospective of the career of Helga Melons, radio pornography artiste.
feature archive
Baby's First Portrait
Watch the birdie! Hurrah / Bah Or follow my voice if it's taken both eyes.
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
full profile
I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
corner shop
Britain's Heritage of Games
Game: Big Badger.
Played chiefly in: Clitheroe.
Objective: Kick balloon out of rowing-boat set adrift on foamy canal at dusk.
Obstacles: Must have exactly seventeen players.
Rating: Vicious.
heritage of games archive
Sub Up
Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety.
Nautical Lingo With Captain Ned
I like my bath. Captain
Translated lingo
captain ned archive
Your Plane Needs You!
Sign up now and keep TRICKY JOHNNY DEADFELLOW in his place. BRITONS, DO YOUR DUTY.
Current scores -
Dead: 5,974.
Living: 8,075.
join the fight
advertising-announcement archive
Further excellent purchases
Radio-Transmitted Diseases
The Fake Clock
Empty Spaces Not Quite Big Enough For The Intended Piece Of Furniture
The Revenge Of Paul Daniels
The Hull Finder: Point To Hull Wherever You Are In The World
further excellent purchases archive
The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.