Dare to Poke God's Eye The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
The Weekly will return
Maintaining Britain's Standards
wholly © the weekly science combine
The morally instructive determinings of PROFESSOR THAUMUS PHAMBLEMELL
Is it acceptable?
A CORRESPONDENT WRITES: I am a Minister in the Foreign and Commonwealth Office, and as a result of having continuously to deal with quaint and amusing governing bodies while endeavouring to enhance Britain's interests across the many parts of the globe, my health is suffering; I am afflicted with brain-fever and rapidly approaching nervous collapse. Furthermore, because of my charges' impudent refusal to adopt Greenwich Mean Time, my illogical working hours mean I am deprived of the company of my family to the extent that I am only reasonably sure that I have one. Is it acceptable that my duties to guide these quaint and amusing foreigners should weaken my body and spirit, and isolate me from my loved ones?

PROFESSOR PHAMBLEMELL REPLIES: Certainly not. Clear your desk. Send gunboats.
is it acceptable? archive
Letters From the Editor

Is that a pistol in your pocket or are... Yes, my wallet. And my watch, yes, of course.
Gravelly Drive
letters from the editor archive
Confounding Riddles With The Master Of Riddles
I am the Master Of Riddles. Can you untangle my devious glottic knots?
Little Nancy Etticoat
In her white petticoat
And her red nose.
The longer she stands
The shorter she grows.

Question: Who is Nancy Etticoat?

Answer: She is an old woman with osteoperosis.
riddle archive
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"This is almost as great a victory for me as killing that man in the boxing ring," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "Scrape your flue, mister?"

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than a slumful of readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Acknowledged reluctantly by the contractually obliged noise emitters.)
blake archive
Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
feature archive
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To-day's features
Also Starring
Grudging acknowledgement of the others appearing in this magazine. (Javascript- only.)
Talking In Conversation With Joseph Of Montford
A conversational talk with the discoverer of the semicolon.
Sports Weekly
A perfect day for a great day of sport.
Terror Of Doctor X Returns Back
An exciting photo- story.
feature archive
Contemplating the Heavens
This spy- glass reveals each detail of the Lord's magnif- icent majesty. Hurrah / Bah Though perhaps my starting at noon was a mistake.
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
full profile
I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
corner shop
Britain's Heritage of Games
Game: Conquers.
Played chiefly in: Leek.
Objective: At heart a normal game of conkers, but enlivened by the players' participating in the style of a famous conqueror from history. Points are awarded for authenticity of impersonation, which may be helped by carefully researched costumes, or, in more informal games, simply made wigs; bonuses can be won by growing your conker in the shape of the miniaturised skill of your chosen conqueror; or retrospectively should you become a conqueror later on. (Address such claims to the national Conquers board, currently in hiding.) It is considered bad form to play if you are already a conqueror, or have conquered specifically for that game.
Obstacles: Fred Harris, who has vowed to destroy the game for largely unknown reasons and is currently at large. Some maintain this adds an element of excitement to Conquers, but not after Harris has run them over with his garden roller.
Rating: Polished.
heritage of games archive
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Current scores -
Dead: 5,981.
Living: 8,118.
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advertising-announcement archive
Further excellent purchases
The Stabber Deluxe
Shades Of Yesterday, The Endangeringly Misjudged Range Of Historically Themed Household Paints, Including Perilous Yellow, Rivers-Of-Blood Red And Shirt-Black: From The People Who Brought You Smilin' Sammy Sepoy Basting Fat
Diet Fake Synthetic Ersatz Replacement
Finger Nail Remover
Something For That
further excellent purchases archive
The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.