Play up, fellows! The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
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Maintaining Britain's Standards
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Nautical Lingo With Captain Ned
Captain Hoist the mainsail!
Ned
Original lingo
captain ned archive
Letters From the Editor
Sir:

Two extra pints please.
Number 12
Swaledale
letters from the editor archive
State of the Pound
The pound is down marginally against the swing-beat whistling of the substitute postie.
state of the pound archive
1m
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"A million? I can't believe it. Tell me again. No, I still can't believe it. Put some conviction into it. No, you're fired," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "I love my frog!"

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than a slumful of readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Acknowledged reluctantly by the contractually obliged noise emitters.)
blake archive
Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
feature archive
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To-day's features
You Damned Interfering Jackanapes
Another baffling case for Inspector Geezer and Constable Aaarghh.
Stan Stanislavski: How I Wrote This Column
A writer prepares.
Walking With Oswald
A stroll in the scenic footsteps of the King of Northumbria.
Millington's Face: Road Movee in a Coach Stylee
In which MR MILLINGTON undertakes an epic journey.
feature archive
Hurrah/Bah
The Face at the Window
Ha ha! It's only me. Hurrah / Bah Now open the airlock.
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
full profile
I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
corner shop
Better yourself
Position: Symbolic Gardener.
Responsibilities: LIFE! The very word thrills with the sound of fife or perhaps knife. And in the BRITON'S LIFE much is communicated without words and sometimes even without eyebrows; and it is for these times the symbolic gardener lives, or perhaps sieves. As a symbolic gardener you will be tending allusions of vital potency, so must demonstrate equal facility with cutting back dead wood, watering a single tragic rose with a cup of tears wept by a strangely unmemorable woman in grey, and raising firm, juicy pears and big melons. The ability to tamp a simple blackened pipe in an unhurriedly silent and reflective manner when impulsively entrusted with a frippish secret by the youngest lady of a house is an advantage, as is snipping a bloom from a tufty bush of scribbly corymb at the exact moment of a colonel's death in his high lonely palace. You will inexplicably own a swanee-whistle.
Remuneration: The post is paid in a purely symbolic currency, usually a handful of broken child's toys to stoke the perpetual bonfire or a house-plant to be re-potted now its owner is engaged to a quiet fellow with prospects. You may eat whatever you can grow, but this is strictly limited to vegetables, &c, with names of hinted impurity.
Prospects: Gatherer of souls by figuratively shaving individual blades of grass to the soil with a tiny pocket scythe; bemusing dowager by unexpectedly appearing through gap in hedge in a back view while manipulating the stream of a hose-pipe; suggestive metaphor.
better yourself archive
Sub Up
Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety.
  
Nautical Lingo With Captain Ned
Raise the mainsail, please. Captain
Ned
Translated lingo
captain ned archive
Your Plane Needs You!
Sign up now and keep TRICKY JOHNNY DEADFELLOW in his place. BRITONS, DO YOUR DUTY.
Current scores -
Dead: 5,979.
Living: 8,112.
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Advertising-announcement
Advertising-announcement
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Further excellent purchases
Face Cladding
Doggee Hat - The Hat For Dogs
Sabotage The Workshy Lounging Of Generations To Come With Forbidden Fruit From The Tree Of Knowledge Jam: It Is The Preserve They Deserve
The Crime Organiser
High-Use Sign Letters For Downmarket Businesses, Including EZ, U, K And 'n'
further excellent purchases archive
The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Archives
Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.
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