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Situation: Steeplechasing for the price of a bottle of Chateauneuf-du-Pape; barely maintaining the lead you clear a hedge and find yourself churning through a raging farmer's furrows.
Attitude: Conscientious.
Solution: Fling placatory handfuls of coins over your shoulder with a merry apology; with practice and careful aim these can accidentally blind your opponent. |
| etiquette archive |
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Sir:
In my family we sign our names as a matter of course on both warrants and certificates, and once suffered greatly from pencils containing broken graphic cores. This caused much disappointment and embarrassed irritation as points frequently fell out at the critical moment and sharpening was a seemingly endless cycle of hope and despair as one shaved ever farther up the shaft in search of a steadfast section of lead. I resolved that a solution to this problem must be found, and took to my shed. Three years later I emerged accompanied by Silas - a simple soul purchased from one of the excellent Northern workhouses. Thirty-six months of intense training, conditioning and indoctrination had succeeded in focusing Silas', or possibly Silas's, mind completely to the extent that he was now more machine-man than man. Thus prepared, he wanders the house freely, day and night, and, if he spots anyone carelessly drumming their pencil on to a table-top, swiftly drives his elbow into the soft area behind their ear while letting out a great, bestial roar. I am proud to say that, since Silas was unslipped, the incidence of broken graphic cores in our house has reduced some twelve percent. |
Mamtec Holden
Kirby Muxloe |
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| letters from the editor archive |
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The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.
"I feel humbled by my part in wasting so much of the lives of so many people," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.
MR NASH added: "This is a proud day for BRITONS EVERYWHERE who have written The Weekly."
* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than an equivalence of readers. |
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Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance. |
| feature archive |
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| A Boyish Pursuit |
| Hurrah! Hurray! Wizard! |
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Gosh, it's fun to burn things. |
| hurrah/bah archive |
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| This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom. |
| corner shop |
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Assisted ably by MR H PATERSON
Position: Tiny Murder Crafts-man.
Responsibilities: Players of the instructive and wittedness-keening educational game CLUEDO may understandably consider the tiny murder weapons to have been created magically by the BRITON'S GOD, but they are in fact the responsibility of the Tiny Murder Crafts-man. As a Tiny Murder Crafts-man you shall be familiar with the moulding process from both your work on the tiny, simpler figurines of the BENEVOLENT INDUSTRIALIST LAUDABLY CRAFTY LAND-ACQUIREMENT GAME and your minimum brace of years shaving nourishing lead into healthful military training-toys for urchins; you shall be skilled in dancing should any dancing-related emergency arise; and you shall live near a church in order to procure the raw materials of roof-lead, and golden corpse-hair for the noose item. Tiny craftsmen with proportionally normal-sized murder weapons sha'n't be considered, and may be chased away with a broom by a clucking char-lady.
Remuneration: £6 per annum and a hat; furthermore, whatever else you take from the church you may keep after tax.
Special considerations: You should consider especially where you will spend eternity, and live your life accordingly.
Prospects: Tiny Murder Master Crafts-man, supplier of genuine tiny murder weapons to ministers for keeping very small bolshy foreign powers in line; trouble-shooting dancer; vicar. |
| better yourself archive |
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| Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety. |
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