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Sir:
Nobody move! This is a robbery. Put... Wait, I've mixed this up. I must have dropped off my letter to The Weekly outside the bank, then posted myself to your magazine. Dammit. And I probably smashed all my arms and legs forcing myself through the letterbox as well. This is greatly embarrassing. |
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| letters from the editor archive |
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Bill to Dissipate the Influence of the Criming-Criminal introduced by the Rt Hon Rthon Foabes (Whig), Member for Tidewell.
i. That ALL CRIME is committed by the chimney classes; thefore THE CHIMNEY ITSELF IS A CRIMINAL.
ii. To remove and destroy ALL CHIMNEYS from across Britain, replacing them as structural newelposts with the PAUPER'S YOUTH, thus ensuring gainful employment for the laggardly.
(Second reading.) |
| the bill before the house archive |
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The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.
"STOP STARING AT ME," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.
MR NASH added: "Distribute the bayonets! The time arrives!"
* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than a slumful of readers. |
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Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance. |
| feature archive |
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The Buccaneer
A stirring tale of one lad's adventures in the time of pirates and some other pirates. |
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44 Deaths
The only good death is a bad death, or possibly a good one. |
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Derek's Day
Wednesday, probably. No, wait - Thursday, as Wednesday was that mix- up at the canteen with the sausage and mash, then the church garrotting. |
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Penkethman Remembered
A tribute to the The Weekly founder- editor. |
| feature archive |
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| A Trip to the Theatre |
| That's your cape straight, wife. |
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Now to strangle you for the inherit- ance. |
| hurrah/bah archive |
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| This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom. |
| corner shop |
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Position: Toppered Maniac.
Responsibilities: A recent attack of plaguey pigeons has resulted in several opportunities in this exciting field, which does not require you to be in a field. The toppered maniac is a bright and merry sight in our city-towns, adding spice to our evenings by appearing briefly in the peripheral vision while racing from rooftop to rooftop, and by sliding down water-spouts, looming unexpectedly from alleyways, and kidnapping people leaving a theatre or crossing a park and chopping them to pieces with an axe. The toppered maniac is expected to provide his own diabolical apparatus of deadly potential, which at the last will either turn on him, fail at a critical moment, or accompany the maniac on a death-plunge through a trapdoor into the deepness of a river. Fewer though similarly rewarding positions are available for bonneted maniacs who must be equally facile with tapping gentlemen on the shoulder playfully with a collapsed fan and baking children into pies, before perishing ultimately in a tinderwick conflagration while crooning heedlessly to a rumpled photograph of a wan, unidentified youth.
Remuneration: The toppered maniac may expect an initial salary of £15 per annum, rising to £17. The bonneted maniac's scale runs from £12 per annum to £16, plus any profit which may be made from the sale of pies.
Prospects: Proprietress of successful pie shop; news-paper headline; formless shadow glimpsed momentarily in a flash of lightning after a boisterous child is snugged abed ten years later by a relentlessly garrulous nurse. |
| better yourself archive |
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| Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety. |
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| What a terrific word is fo'c's'le. Best-contracted one in the language, y'know. Fo'c's'le, fo'c's'le, fo'c's'le. Wish someone would reply, "I sha'n't go to the fo'c's'le," but they never do. It'd be funny though. Fo'c's'le, fo'c's'le, fo'c's'le. Oh, we've crashed. |
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Translated lingo |
| captain ned archive |
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