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Sir:
As progressive and enlightened Britons, we recently had cause to employ a trades-man to visit our house and fit one of these so-called "shower-baths." The low fellow had clearly served his apprenticeship under some kind of socialist who disfavoured beatings as part of the educational process, for he connected the shower-head backwards; and consequently when my husband first turned on the device, all the moisture was sucked from his body and into our plumbing system. Alerted by his manly screams, I lost no time in racing below-stairs to rouse our servant from his beery stupor and have him precede me into the bath-room to garb my stricken husband in appropriate morning-dress to preserve due decency; and when I saw my beloved reduced to a husk, dehydrated almost to the point of desiccation, I threw up my hands and swooned in the shameful weakness of my sex. By chance, beside the bath lay several bottles of moisturising shower-gel we had ordered from Whiteley's Catalogue in anticipation of use with our new ablutive apparatus (how little I thought at the time they would prove all that stood between me and widowhood!) and, thinking swiftly, I had our servant wait until I was safely behind the door then douse dear Gerald with the replenishing liquidate so that the hydrolysing pectins could pump water back into his cells and maintain his life until the ambulance could arrive. By this prompt action he was saved, and lubricated to a sufficiency that he could be transferred to a stretcher without snapping brittly, although he did lose an ear. I would hope that our story serves as a warning to those considering the continental habit of the "shower-bath." If God had not intended us to bathe in the reliable British manner, he would not have had us invent the tub. |
E Tannickerterly (Mrs)
Bath |
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| letters from the editor archive |
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Bill to Dissipate the Influence of the Criming-Criminal introduced by the Rt Hon Rthon Foabes (Whig), Member for Tidewell.
i. That ALL CRIME is committed by the chimney classes; thefore THE CHIMNEY ITSELF IS A CRIMINAL.
ii. To remove and destroy ALL CHIMNEYS from across Britain, replacing them as structural newelposts with the PAUPER'S YOUTH, thus ensuring gainful employment for the laggardly.
(Second reading.) |
| the bill before the house archive |
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The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.
"If I'd have my way and it'd been set in LA and starred Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks it'd have been five times that by now," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.
MR NASH added: "Have you told MR MILLINGTON yet? He's staying in his private county."
* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than fifty specially selected readers. |
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Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance. |
| feature archive |
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| A Brisk Walk |
| Splendid, dignified exercise. |
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Ah! Another town for my plague. |
| hurrah/bah archive |
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| This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom. |
| corner shop |
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Position: Resilient Thwarted.
Responsibilities: Success can be measured only by comparison, so between the inspired gentleman-amateur and the callous-palmed mining-child lies the vital task of perpetually thwarted resilience. Unshakeable faith in the powers of glued feathers required; plus cheerful bumbling; and unbrittle bones.
Remuneration: A minimum of £50 per annum in grants from a grateful SCIENCE.
Prospects: None. |
| better yourself archive |
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| Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety. |
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| With your revolting manners and uncleanliness, you shaming rabble. I expect the other captain's proudly addressing his merry rogues with their pressed trousers and polite dinner conversation. I ought never have taken this job, I wanted to drive trains. Toot! That's a call to stir the soul, not this honk! nonsense. I'm going to my cabin to listen to the gramophone. Let me know if we're scuttled, you loathsome tradesmen. |
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Translated lingo |
| captain ned archive |
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