 |
 |
Situation: In telling of anecdote, conclusion fails your memory.
Attitude: Nimble.
Solution: Break off suddenly, explaining with an inadequately suppressed catch that you are overwhelmed with thoughts of poor little Bobby and his flaxen curls, whose favourite anecdote this was. Leave the room immediately and throw yourself noisily under a carriage. Upon recovery, study anecdote more closely. |
| etiquette archive |
|
|
 |
Sir:
As your patronage of SCIENCE is well known, I am asking for a donation to further my project to construct two vast, solar powered lamps - each as big as the sun - place them in space facing each other, and set them going by letting off a flash bulb equidistant between them. You know, to see what happens. |
Milo Strict
Department of SCIENCE, University of Hull |
|
| letters from the editor archive |
|
|
 |
Bill to Dissipate the Influence of the Criming-Criminal introduced by the Rt Hon Rthon Foabes (Whig), Member for Tidewell.
i. That ALL CRIME is committed by the chimney classes; thefore THE CHIMNEY ITSELF IS A CRIMINAL.
ii. To remove and destroy ALL CHIMNEYS from across Britain, replacing them as structural newelposts with the PAUPER'S YOUTH, thus ensuring gainful employment for the laggardly.
(Second reading.) |
| the bill before the house archive |
|
|
 |
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.
"I can't quite make you out, the reception is terrible on this yacht," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.
MR NASH added: "Strange - I appear to have been airbrushed out of this official photograph and replaced by Victor Spinetti."
* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than nineteen, perhaps thirty or sixty-six readers. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
 |
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance. |
| feature archive |
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
| The Motorcyclists |
| Your go next, Stiggins. |
 |
Let's play Lawr- ence of Arabia. |
| hurrah/bah archive |
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
| This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom. |
| corner shop |
|
|
 |
Game: Conquers.
Played chiefly in: Leek.
Objective: At heart a normal game of conkers, but enlivened by the players' participating in the style of a famous conqueror from history. Points are awarded for authenticity of impersonation, which may be helped by carefully researched costumes, or, in more informal games, simply made wigs; bonuses can be won by growing your conker in the shape of the miniaturised skill of your chosen conqueror; or retrospectively should you become a conqueror later on. (Address such claims to the national Conquers board, currently in hiding.) It is considered bad form to play if you are already a conqueror, or have conquered specifically for that game.
Obstacles: Fred Harris, who has vowed to destroy the game for largely unknown reasons and is currently at large. Some maintain this adds an element of excitement to Conquers, but not after Harris has run them over with his garden roller.
Rating: Polished. |
| heritage of games archive |
|
|
 |
| Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety. |
|
|
|
