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Situation: As ward of kindly, monied aunt with imposing country estate; on learning details of disbursement under aunt's will.
Attitude: Aspirational.
Solution: A carefully plotted programme of incidents and misbehaviour designed to place madness in the aunt's head is wasteful of time and effort; fasten aunt into attic and busy oneself productively while nature takes its course. |
| etiquette archive |
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Sir:
I have developed mastery of the weather. If you do not send a thousand guineas to me, via my man, by noon tomorrow I will have the clouds viewable from your windows assume a profane shape. |
Name withheld by request
West Beckt... South Beckton |
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| letters from the editor archive |
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I am the Master Of Riddles. Can you untangle my devious glottic knots? |
As I was going to St Ives
I met a man with seven wives.
Every wife had seven bags
Every bag had seven cats
Every cat had seven kits.
Kits, cats, bags and wives
How many were going to St Ives?
Answer: Everyone, obviously. |
| riddle archive |
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The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.
"STOP STARING AT ME," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.
MR NASH added: "Is that the honest, stout BRITON'S MILLION or the inflated, gaudy FORMER COLONIAL'S MILLION?"
* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than an equivalence of readers. |
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Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance. |
| feature archive |
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| His View of the Gorge |
| Splendid. Simply breath- taking. |
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And she's still not yet hit the bottom. |
| hurrah/bah archive |
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| This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom. |
| corner shop |
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Game: Burgle-my-Neighbour.
Played chiefly in: Wolverhampton.
Objective: Material gain.
Obstacles: Man-traps.
Rating: Vapid. |
| heritage of games archive |
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| Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety. |
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