The Weekly will return Maintaining Britain's Standards wholly © the weekly science combine 1. This monkey's paw? Miss, stay your purse For the novelty comes with a curse: Whatever you wish Tends to turn to a bish And your better becomes quite your worse. 2. But she pooh-poohed the gent as a wimp: Bared her soul to the segment of chimp: Now awaits, in her room, Inescapable doom At the hand of an ape with a limp. limerick archive Sir: It's all on for tonight. The lads'll be ready by the false stove at midnight, and once you start your diversion, they'll be out of the bottom of the hut quick as you like, then a rush to the fence and over, just as we planned. I'd like to see the looks on the lion guards' faces tomorrow when they realise all of we antelopes have escaped. Ha! Didn't expect that, did you? Once again I surprise you with a surprise twist. Ronald Dahl Windmill End letters from the editor archive The pound is up four-and-twenty against a wise investment in an exciting new range of pies. state of the pound archive The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871. "I'd like to thank my milkman for the two extra pints this morning," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement. MR NASH added: "Will exchange priceless original copy of issue one for kindling." * Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than two hundred readers. The Adventures of Sexton Blake The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Now available in electric record and ethereal versions.) blake archive Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance. feature archive search science DVD Edition: Mr Bond A special edition cartoon with commentary. The Buccaneer A stirring tale of one lad's adventures in the time of pirates and some other pirates. Professor Science: Britain's Voice Of Tomorrow Your questions answered about the amazing world of later. Telegraph-text One hundred pages of information and distraction from The Weekly's pioneering telegraph-text service. By the Combine, MR S HOBBS, MR H PATERSON and MR M SULLIVAN. (Javascript- only.) feature archive At the Dentist's Your teeth are fine. But your daugh- ter's dead. hurrah/bah archive full profile This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom. corner shop Game: Appease the Hideous Man-Beast. Played chiefly in: Ebury Hill. Objective: Players attempt, in turn, to knock a marble out of the ring by shooting their tolley. A succeeding player may take another shot; but if no marble is knocked out, and the tolley remains in the ring, another player may attempt to knock that tolley out and thus eliminate the first shooter. Shooting must be performed strictly according to the rules of "knuckling down." Obstacles: The distraction afforded by the noise from next door's game of Marbles. Rating: Accurate. heritage of games archive Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety.    Sign up now and keep TRICKY JOHNNY DEADFELLOW in his place. BRITONS, DO YOUR DUTY. Current scores - Dead: 5,976. Living: 8,087. join the fight advertising-announcement archive It's Not My Round Empty Glass Hinting Shuffler Disposable Opinions Auto-Beak Custer's Hat Stand Mauve Loaves further excellent purchases archive Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet. Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.