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Sir:
Surveys, or possibly surveyors, have shown that much of today's pollution is caused by the motor-car. It seems obvious to me that a large part of this is because of the travelling necessitated between places by jobs, leisure, or teary, random flights from a lover after a final, crunching argument in which all is revealed; and it is equally obvious that such journeys are required mostly because there are simply so many places between which to travel. The environmental impact could thus be dramatically reduced at little or no cost by removing the following superfluous areas: Stevenage; Bewdley; Penrith; Exmouth; Cheshire; Brize Norton; Ormskirk; Stockport; Darvel; Hatfield and March. |
Childley Alms
Brize Norton |
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| letters from the editor archive |
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Bill to Outlaw Beastly Nastiness introduced by the Rt Hon Melgeret Melmehaugh, Member for Miller's Dale.
i. That the ills of the world are caused solely by ozard frightfulness and ghastly odium.
ii. Accordingly, hideous awfulness itself ought to be proscribed; this abolition to be enforced by rosily cheerful constable-bobbies with pastel cudgels and priestly javelins.
(Second reading.) |
| the bill before the house archive |
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The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.
"I'd like to thank my phrenologist and underworld empire," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.
MR NASH added: "Is that the honest, stout BRITON'S MILLION or the inflated, gaudy FORMER COLONIAL'S MILLION?"
* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than nineteen, perhaps thirty or sixty-six readers. |
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Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance. |
| feature archive |
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| My Misunderstanding |
That's right, I
did say my dog doesn't bite. |
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But, you see, I'm a maniac. |
| hurrah/bah archive |
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| This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom. |
| corner shop |
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Position: Resilient Thwarted.
Responsibilities: Success can be measured only by comparison, so between the inspired gentleman-amateur and the callous-palmed mining-child lies the vital task of perpetually thwarted resilience. Unshakeable faith in the powers of glued feathers required; plus cheerful bumbling; and unbrittle bones.
Remuneration: A minimum of £50 per annum in grants from a grateful SCIENCE.
Prospects: None. |
| better yourself archive |
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| Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety. |
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