Dare to Poke God's Eye The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
The Weekly will return
Maintaining Britain's Standards
wholly © the weekly science combine
The morally instructive determinings of PROFESSOR THAUMUS PHAMBLEMELL
Is it acceptable?
A CORRESPONDENT WRITES: I am The Phantom Hansom Cab Passenger, and each night I am driven around town in my seemingly ordinary The Phantom Hansom Cab dispensing justice and aiding the defenceless. Things have not quite worked out as I anticipated; the number of defenceless who think to hail a seemingly ordinary hansom cab, or who coincidentally stagger towards one following a pummelling attack or ghastly revelation by an unwholesome uncle, is, alas, alarmingly low. Furthermore, the cab costs are quite disgraceful, and some nights I must scuff around impatiently in the shadows while the cabby is away attending to a fare or consuming some type of pie. I am minded to improve my business by a series of notices in respectable news-papers informing the defenceless between which streets they may find me in their hour of need. Is it acceptable to advertise oneself in this manner?

PROFESSOR PHAMBLEMELL REPLIES: Good God, sir, no: such behaviour is to be crushed contemptuously. It is the vulgarian who advertises, sir; the VULGARIAN AND THE TRADES-MAN. Any cabby will be pleased, sir, to accept a shilling-piece to nudge against pedestrians while travelling at horse-whipp'd speed; and by this means and a few well-chosen kickings as you wait otherwise uselessly in alley-ways you can CREATE A DEMAND for your fine and noble services. I am despatching a pamphlet.
is it acceptable? archive
Letters From the Editor

Production companies, actors, film crews, magazines, video recorders - we have a whole mini-economy based around television. Just imagine if John Logie Baird had invented a kind of heater instead. What a different, though perhaps warmer, world we'd all be living in.
Beryl Doot
letters from the editor archive
The Bill Before the House
Bill to Explode the House introduced by the Rt Hon Futility Brabletawn, Member for London-town.
i. Let's blow up the House, you fellows!
(Passed unanimously from a distance.)
the bill before the house archive
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"If I'd have my way and it'd been set in LA and starred Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks it'd have been five times that by now," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "Gosh. And many of those people are now likely dead."

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than its quota of readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Acknowledged reluctantly by the contractually obliged noise emitters.)
blake archive
Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
feature archive
Search The Weekly
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To-day's features
One hundred pages of information and distraction from The Weekly's pioneering telegraph-text service. By the Combine, MR S HOBBS, MR H PATERSON and MR M SULLIVAN. (Javascript- only.)
Pornography Of The Gods
That raunchy Zeus - he just doesn't know what he's going to do next. You'll never look at a king of the gods in the same way again!
Hoi Hup La!
A programme of improving exercise for a happier, healthier Britain.

An authentic reproduction board game, banned for 150 years for its dangerous, excoriatingly satirical content.
feature archive
At the Dentist's
Your teeth are fine. Hurrah / Bah But your daugh- ter's dead.
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
full profile
I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
corner shop
Britain's Heritage of Games
Game: My Friend Thuddy.
Played chiefly in: Sennen Cove.
Objective: A question-and-answer game in which one player's imaginary friend, Thuddy, is posing as a famous historical figure, whose identity the other player must guess. Questions and answers are given in a strict format: for example, "Who likes ice-cream?"; "My friend Thuddy"; "Who likes land reformation acts?"; "Not my friend Thuddy." The guessing player has between 10 and 20 questions to deduce whom Thuddy is impersonating.
Obstacles: Thuddy is an invisible malevolent steam-hammer which pounds molten iron into shape for heavy industry, and will pursue you relentlessly from the shadows for the rest of your life if you fail to win his game.
Rating: Folklorey.
heritage of games archive
Sub Up
Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety.
Your Plane Needs You!
Sign up now and keep TRICKY JOHNNY DEADFELLOW in his place. BRITONS, DO YOUR DUTY.
Current scores -
Dead: 5,982.
Living: 8,121.
join the fight
advertising-announcement archive
Further excellent purchases
A Curable Romantic
Tourist Man-Traps
Theirs And Mine Towel Set
The Wonder Stabber
The Toad Recliner
further excellent purchases archive
The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.