Cast Out the Pesky The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
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Maintaining Britain's Standards
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Tom Sandwich

Q. Where do astronauts eat their tea?
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Letters From the Editor
Sir:

Who among us can say he has not at some point been Wilfred Pickles?
Wilfred Pickles
Selby
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State of the Pound
The pound is down 2 because of poor handwriting.
state of the pound archive
1m
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"What? What? You'll have to speak up, I'm in a helicopter. The which? I thought I'd sold my shares in that months ago to finance my laundry," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "And remember, readers, we couldn't have done it without you. Well, we could have, but it would have taken longer."

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than two hundred readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Now available in electric record and ethereal versions.)
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Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
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To-day's features
Cookery Corridor
Another smashing recipe from Mrs Beefy. Today - baboon.
Murder and Prison
It's happened a million times to a million people.
Millington's Face: Millington's Face
In which MR MILLINGTON inspects his face for beards.
Professor Science: Britain's Voice Of Tomorrow
Your questions answered about the amazing world of later.
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Hurrah/Bah
Good Evening
Might I trouble you for a glass of water? Hurrah / Bah Only my wife is alight.
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
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I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
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Better yourself
Position: Cartographer.
Responsibilities: Empire! The very word thrills the soul of even the lowliest pauper whose soul is destined to burn in the fires of hell for all eternity. Yet there is much we know not of the farthest flings of Her Gracious Majesty's dominions, and it is in this vacuum of knowledge that a shrewd and ambitious cartographer may yet stamp his mark. A cartographer of hardy constitution, iron nerve and sharpened pencil can contribute much to our understanding of such exotic and ill-explored regions as Scot-land and the Northern Poor-towns. These last frontiers of human endurance must be conquered by the courageous cartographer, irrespective of disease, hardship and weirdly ritualled anthropophagous natives so that one day our bright-eyed, cow-licked school-children may learn as much about these distant climes as they understand of Darkest Africa and the Canadian Wastes.
Remuneration: A piffling stipend of £13 is provided to furnish the initial expeditionary force, but it is understood that the cartographer lives off the land mapped. You are entitled to a generous percentage of any gold and precious ores discovered in the name of Britain, and the opportunity cannot fail to excite of meeting and cataloguing mysterious new peoples; and of the gentleman-cartographer improving their rude shapes with the BRITON'S GENES or the lady-cartographer establishing a fine and profitable seraglio against her retirement.
Risk assessment: Little is riskier than the post of cartographer when much of the world is as wild as the caving-tenements of Bolton or the Border-lands of Wales; but the wise cartographer goes well-armed with machete and Webley (and, indeed, there is much sport to be had in this manner when work is ceased for the day); and is content that all cartographers are immortalised in the name of at least one town, usually the one around which ultimately they are strewn.
Prospects: Scientist; soup; Cartographer of the Cities of Mars when that expedition is launched in the next eight months or so.
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Tom Sandwich

A. At their sa-"tea"-llite tea "tea"bles
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Further excellent purchases
A Trombonist's Thrombosis
Fee-Fie-Fo-Fum Crushed Englishman Home Bakery
Bridget Riley Practical Designs: Zebra Crossing, Optician's Chart, Airport Runway Markings, Etc
Reg Varney's Lunch
Origami Ankles Of Radio News-Readers, Set III
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The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Archives
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