A Knight Knows The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
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Maintaining Britain's Standards
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Tom Sandwich

Have you seen this man?
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Letters From the Editor

Surveys, or possibly surveyors, have shown that much of today's pollution is caused by the motor-car. It seems obvious to me that a large part of this is because of the travelling necessitated between places by jobs, leisure, or teary, random flights from a lover after a final, crunching argument in which all is revealed; and it is equally obvious that such journeys are required mostly because there are simply so many places between which to travel. The environmental impact could thus be dramatically reduced at little or no cost by removing the following superfluous areas: Stevenage; Bewdley; Penrith; Exmouth; Cheshire; Brize Norton; Ormskirk; Stockport; Darvel; Hatfield and March.
Childley Alms
Brize Norton
letters from the editor archive
The Bill Before the House
Bill to Outlaw Beastly Nastiness introduced by the Rt Hon Melgeret Melmehaugh, Member for Miller's Dale.
i. That the ills of the world are caused solely by ozard frightfulness and ghastly odium.
ii. Accordingly, hideous awfulness itself ought to be proscribed; this abolition to be enforced by rosily cheerful constable-bobbies with pastel cudgels and priestly javelins.
(Second reading.)
the bill before the house archive
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"I'd like to thank my phrenologist and underworld empire," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "Is that the honest, stout BRITON'S MILLION or the inflated, gaudy FORMER COLONIAL'S MILLION?"

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than nineteen, perhaps thirty or sixty-six readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Now available in electric record and ethereal versions.)
blake archive
Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
feature archive
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To-day's features
Sports Weekly
A perfect day for a great day of sport.
Falsity For The Artless
A three- step programme of lying.
A new magazine at a special introductory price.
Radio Porn
A long- overdue retrospective of the career of Helga Melons, radio pornography artiste.
feature archive
My Misunderstanding
That's right, I
did say my dog doesn't bite.
Hurrah / Bah But, you see, I'm a maniac.
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
full profile
I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
corner shop
Better yourself
Position: Resilient Thwarted.
Responsibilities: Success can be measured only by comparison, so between the inspired gentleman-amateur and the callous-palmed mining-child lies the vital task of perpetually thwarted resilience. Unshakeable faith in the powers of glued feathers required; plus cheerful bumbling; and unbrittle bones.
Remuneration: A minimum of £50 per annum in grants from a grateful SCIENCE.
Prospects: None.
better yourself archive
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Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety.
Tom Sandwich

Have you seen this man?
tom sandwich archive
Your Plane Needs You!
Sign up now and keep TRICKY JOHNNY DEADFELLOW in his place. BRITONS, DO YOUR DUTY.
Current scores -
Dead: 5,974.
Living: 8,079.
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Further excellent purchases
Mauve Loaves
The All-In-One
The Portable CD-Radio-Cassette Player And Mouse-Bath
Encapsulated Scapulimancer Exculpation Pack
further excellent purchases archive
The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.