Cast Out the Pesky The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
The Weekly will return
Maintaining Britain's Standards
wholly © the weekly science combine
Nautical Lingo With Captain Ned
Captain Man the fo'c's'le!
Ned
Original lingo
captain ned archive
Letters From the Editor
Sir:

Nobody move! This is a robbery. Put... Wait, I've mixed this up. I must have dropped off my letter to The Weekly outside the bank, then posted myself to your magazine. Dammit. And I probably smashed all my arms and legs forcing myself through the letterbox as well. This is greatly embarrassing.
Mike Bourbon
Cricklade
letters from the editor archive
The Bill Before the House
Bill to Dissipate the Influence of the Criming-Criminal introduced by the Rt Hon Rthon Foabes (Whig), Member for Tidewell.
i. That ALL CRIME is committed by the chimney classes; thefore THE CHIMNEY ITSELF IS A CRIMINAL.
ii. To remove and destroy ALL CHIMNEYS from across Britain, replacing them as structural newelposts with the PAUPER'S YOUTH, thus ensuring gainful employment for the laggardly.
(Second reading.)
the bill before the house archive
1m
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"STOP STARING AT ME," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "Distribute the bayonets! The time arrives!"

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than a slumful of readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Now available in electric record and ethereal versions.)
blake archive
Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
feature archive
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To-day's features
The Buccaneer
A stirring tale of one lad's adventures in the time of pirates and some other pirates.
44 Deaths
The only good death is a bad death, or possibly a good one.
Derek's Day
Wednesday, probably. No, wait - Thursday, as Wednesday was that mix- up at the canteen with the sausage and mash, then the church garrotting.
Penkethman Remembered
A tribute to the The Weekly founder- editor.
feature archive
Hurrah/Bah
A Trip to the Theatre
That's your cape straight, wife. Hurrah / Bah Now to strangle you for the inherit- ance.
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
full profile
I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
corner shop
Better yourself
Position: Toppered Maniac.
Responsibilities: A recent attack of plaguey pigeons has resulted in several opportunities in this exciting field, which does not require you to be in a field. The toppered maniac is a bright and merry sight in our city-towns, adding spice to our evenings by appearing briefly in the peripheral vision while racing from rooftop to rooftop, and by sliding down water-spouts, looming unexpectedly from alleyways, and kidnapping people leaving a theatre or crossing a park and chopping them to pieces with an axe. The toppered maniac is expected to provide his own diabolical apparatus of deadly potential, which at the last will either turn on him, fail at a critical moment, or accompany the maniac on a death-plunge through a trapdoor into the deepness of a river. Fewer though similarly rewarding positions are available for bonneted maniacs who must be equally facile with tapping gentlemen on the shoulder playfully with a collapsed fan and baking children into pies, before perishing ultimately in a tinderwick conflagration while crooning heedlessly to a rumpled photograph of a wan, unidentified youth.
Remuneration: The toppered maniac may expect an initial salary of £15 per annum, rising to £17. The bonneted maniac's scale runs from £12 per annum to £16, plus any profit which may be made from the sale of pies.
Prospects: Proprietress of successful pie shop; news-paper headline; formless shadow glimpsed momentarily in a flash of lightning after a boisterous child is snugged abed ten years later by a relentlessly garrulous nurse.
better yourself archive
Sub Up
Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety.
  
Nautical Lingo With Captain Ned
What a terrific word is fo'c's'le. Best-contracted one in the language, y'know. Fo'c's'le, fo'c's'le, fo'c's'le. Wish someone would reply, "I sha'n't go to the fo'c's'le," but they never do. It'd be funny though. Fo'c's'le, fo'c's'le, fo'c's'le. Oh, we've crashed. Captain
Ned
Translated lingo
captain ned archive
Your Plane Needs You!
Sign up now and keep TRICKY JOHNNY DEADFELLOW in his place. BRITONS, DO YOUR DUTY.
Current scores -
Dead: 5,976.
Living: 8,092.
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Advertising-announcement
Advertising-announcement
advertising-announcement archive
Further excellent purchases
The Fatal Miscalculator
Druggle
The Magnificent Jape
Something For That
Lionel Stander Sings Lionel Jeffries Sings Lionel Bart
further excellent purchases archive
The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Archives
Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.
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