Was That Chap a Foreign? The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
The Weekly will return
Maintaining Britain's Standards
wholly © the weekly science combine
Mrs Bookery's Etiquette of Common Situations
Situation: Determined to make one's way in the world; as governess, with unruly charges; a good impression is necessary.

Attitude: Practical.

Solution: Administer laudanum.
etiquette archive
Letters From the Editor
Sir:

Recently I read that half the world is starving and the other half on diets. I am deeply worried that this global weight loss will result in the Earth being flung off into interstellar space.
Professor J Stools
Cambridge
letters from the editor archive
The Bill Before the House
Bill to Expand the Voting Base of the BRITON'S DEMOCRACY introduced by the Rt Hon Teabun Manly (Soc), Member for Bootle.
i. That the measure of democracy is in the extension of suffrage.
ii. Accordingly, to extend the vote to landed gentry aged 31 and over who earn less than £15,001 per annum.
(Defeated unanimously; the Rt Hon Gentleman symbolically horse-whipped by Her Gracious Majesty the full height of the House steps.)
the bill before the house archive
1m
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"How did you find out my address?" said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "At last, we have equalled the record of that popular governmental magazine exposing weediness in high places through the unflattering medium of pointillism portraits, Disraeli's Daily Brailly Quailies."

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than an equivalence of readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Acknowledged reluctantly by the contractually obliged noise emitters.)
blake archive
Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
feature archive
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To-day's features
Millington's Face: God Rest Ye, Merry Millington
In which MR MILLINGTON is imperilled.
Mr Aesop's Just So Fable Stories
Moral tales.
I've Lived Here All My Life
Motorist, you have chosen wisely.
Professor Science: Britain's Voice Of Tomorrow
Your questions answered about the amazing world of later.
feature archive
Hurrah/Bah
Baby's First Portrait
Watch the birdie! Hurrah / Bah Or follow my voice if it's taken both eyes.
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
full profile
I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
corner shop
Better yourself
Position: Public Face for Anonymous Author.
Responsibilities: History has vindicated the once shocking programme of supplying DISTRACTING-ENTERTAINMENT to the BRITON'S INGLEMAN. How far we have come since the days of administering CORRECTION-BEATINGS with angular knouts instead of the merciful clothed fist. Associated with this programme is the protection of the distracting-artists themselves; whether to spare MISS M LLOYD the onerousness of further encores by catapaulting tureens of mustard gas into the gods, or smoothing PROFESSOR M WALL's exit through clamouring throngs by giving him a sword, the practice is establishedly fruitful. The most popular method of escaping the public eye among distracting-artists with easily recognisable features that could conceivably be reproduced by look-alikes is, of course, carrying a pistol, but close aheel comes that of employing a look-alike to be seen out and about while they themselves remain safely indoors to write, to perform plays and to drink laudanum. Many of our famed LOUCHE-CREATIVES have hired such persons, but one avenue remains open in this area: the public face of the anonymous author. You will be required to go about your daily business entirely as normal, but at irregular intervals to pause, allow a smile to play about your lips and nod shallowly once or twice in an undefined secret satisfaction. In this way our anonymous authors may continue unhindered in their creation of such popular books as I Saw A Lady's Wrist and I Touched A Gentleman's Lobes.
Remuneration: £10 per annum and free, gratefully unsigned copies of your author's works.
Prospects: Double for military clerk; look-alike of MR C DICKENS, who has been prevented from completing his newest book these last few double dozen years by his obligations to open shops and judge babies; false heir.
better yourself archive
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Sign up now and keep TRICKY JOHNNY DEADFELLOW in his place. BRITONS, DO YOUR DUTY.
Current scores -
Dead: 5,979.
Living: 8,111.
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Advertising-announcement
advertising-announcement archive
Further excellent purchases
Scent Of Henry
Coin-Operated Indecipherable Gurgler
Auntie Phee's Anti-Matter Flea-Free Anti-Freeze
The Joan Hickson Luge
Lionel Stander Presents His Famous Three-Step Programme To Impersonating Lionel Stander
further excellent purchases archive
The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Archives
Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.
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