Beware the Idles' March The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
The Weekly will return
Maintaining Britain's Standards
wholly © the weekly science combine
Nautical Lingo With Captain Ned
Captain Arrr, me hearty!
Ned
Original lingo
captain ned archive
Letters From the Editor
Sir:

All I want is for everyone else in the entire world to drop down dead right now. Is that too much to ask?
W Laggle
Scholar Green
letters from the editor archive
The Bill Before the House
Bill to Dissipate the Influence of the Criming-Criminal introduced by the Rt Hon Rthon Foabes (Whig), Member for Tidewell.
i. That ALL CRIME is committed by the chimney classes; thefore THE CHIMNEY ITSELF IS A CRIMINAL.
ii. To remove and destroy ALL CHIMNEYS from across Britain, replacing them as structural newelposts with the PAUPER'S YOUTH, thus ensuring gainful employment for the laggardly.
(Second reading.)
the bill before the house archive
1m
The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.

"I'd like to thank my milkman for the two extra pints this morning," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.

MR NASH added: "Distribute the bayonets! The time arrives!"

* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than a slumful of readers.
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Adventures of Sexton Blake
The Weekly Science Combine accidentally writes a wireless serial of improving thrills for the BBC Light Programme. (Now available in electric record and ethereal versions.)
blake archive
Latest features
Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance.
feature archive
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To-day's features
Sports Weekly
A perfect day for a great day of sport.
Information For Candidates
The official examination timetable.
Who's the Culprit?
A chapter-serial of baffling mystery.
Also Starring
Grudging acknowledgement of the others appearing in this magazine. (Javascript- only.)
feature archive
Hurrah/Bah
A Brisk Walk
Splendid, dignified exercise. Hurrah / Bah Ah! Another town for my plague.
hurrah/bah archive
A complete scientific analysis of your name
full profile
I'm working off my shame
This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry, Love and Other Near-Death Experiences and Instructions For Living Someone Else's Life, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom.
corner shop
Britain's Heritage of Games
Game: Uncremate!
Played chiefly in: Clent Hills.
Objective: In the initial round, players must gather ornamental urns containing the cremated remains of friends, relatives or reasonably well-known celebrities. In the second and main round, players use adhesives of their own choosing (usually a simple floury paste) to mould a recognisable head from the ashes. The group as a whole judges the fidelity of each likeness in turn, promoting confidence in the BRITON'S FAIRNESS, and the winner is crowned King or Queenly King of the People Flakes.
Obstacles: Rain; the fleetest participant is elected "the vicar" and attempts in exciting chases to cree to wrestle away urns in the first round, and any player so losing their urn has the ashes poured down their collar; the vicar.
Rating: Healthy.
heritage of games archive
Sub Up
Remain UP-TO-DATE and KEENLY ABREAST with a subscription to BRITAIN'S ADVOCATE OF QUALITIES. You will receive notification by e-mail of forthcoming issues of the magazine which inspires Britons everywhere to forge ahead to a better newness. Alternatively, sub down from the list in weary satiety.
  
Nautical Lingo With Captain Ned
I think I'm having a stroke. Captain
Ned
Translated lingo
captain ned archive
Your Plane Needs You!
Sign up now and keep TRICKY JOHNNY DEADFELLOW in his place. BRITONS, DO YOUR DUTY.
Current scores -
Dead: 5,975.
Living: 8,086.
join the fight
Advertising-announcement
Advertising-announcement
advertising-announcement archive
Further excellent purchases
The Marvellous Mechanical Mouse Hitter
Trad Arr Tribute Album (by MR S HOBBS)
Drubbing!
Stop Thief Automatic Fist-Shaker
Ligature: The Game Of Pedantic Typography
further excellent purchases archive
The Former Colonial Reassure-o-Matic
Former Colonials! Dispel your dizziness and disorientation in a manner traditional to your quaint and amusing hamlet.
Archives
Inspect the archives for all that you may have missed while tardy or haemorrhaging.
AUSTERITY - DIGNITY - INDUSTRY