Dare to Poke God's Eye The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards


Want... rusk


What encephalitis lethargica?
Previously In The Weekly
Chapter Two
Previously In The Weekly
"Stand fast! They shall not pass."
The comfortable life of Temerity Spookbungle, cellist, is changed forever when, thanks to a mix-up of similar luggage at the airport, he mistakenly leaves with a secret formula for cold fusion sought by a ruthless international mercenary, who follows him to the car park and stabs him to death. Meanwhile, Wennerhaw Waxy, plumassier, finds himself the only person on board flight 317 from San Francisco conscious after a gas leak. Cynical air traffic controller Babs Threnf, herself looking for a purpose in life following a recent divorce, stands ready to talk down the plucky passenger, but Waxy cannot work out how to use the radio, and the aeroplane completely destroys Leeds.

Chapter Three
Previously In The Weekly
"Hold it, Bropes!" barked Smiling Jim. "Drop that shooting piece."
Trapped atop a fiery skyscraper, the ragtag survivors of a skyscraper fire turn to rumpled pensioner Torque Nimbly, who, as chance would have it, was once a tightrope artist. Now, if only he can regain his nerve, Nimbly might just be able to reach a neighbouring building by a hastily rigged wire and bring help. But he was lying about his acrobatic past to impress girls, and after two steps falls to the pavement and everyone burns to death. Meanwhile, Few Vunkle, flautist, is the only person left with hands to disarm the power station bomb, and, guided by a near-physical pressure she cannot explain but feels may be the influence of her recently dead sister who swore to look after her always, impulsively cuts the blue wire, exploding Wales.

Chapter Four
Previously In The Weekly
"Quickly - the - no, the other - it's - ugh."
A shout, taken up quickly as the arranged fight spreads in the exercise yard, and now is the chance for Captain Champion and his squad of elite commandos to make their break from Stalag 17. The Captain nods imperceptibly to his men and jumps for the distracted guards, but none of the commandos has noticed his signal and he is kicked to death. Meanwhile, squinting painfully against the sun, Quendy Threebeans, costermonger's daughter, shakily aims the unfamiliar rifle at the dynamite planted on the cliffs above her zombie-overrun coastal village. It's a thousand-to-one shot, and as she fires inexpertly the recoil breaks her shoulder, sending the bullet wide. Miraculously it ricochets on target and with the shattering boom of justice, a landslide is blasted free, crushing flat the infested Cornwall township. But Quendy is quite mad, and there were no zombies, and she later dies on the moors waiting for a bus to Neptune.

(Now read on.)
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Please Break My Aerial

Baby On - Bored

Yes, My Dashboard Is Covered With Sweet Wrappers. I Have Low Self-Esteem. All Right?

Jar My Wing Mirror As You Pass, I Only Use It For Parking

My Other Car Knocked Someone Down
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