Was That Chap a Foreign? The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
Can you remember who you spoke to last time?

No. The new forms are pink

Do you have a reference number?

I can't see any record of that

This is Accounts, you need to contact Finance

Your call is number. 7. in the queue
Issue 1
Carefully unpack the components from the plastic blister on the front of the magazine. (Put the packaging away safely somewhere with the vague idea it might come in useful for something, keep for three years, then discard during mass clear-out with clenching determination, but unquashable underlying sense of unease.) If there is no pack on the front of the magazine then your newsagent is a thief; report him to the police.

You should have: solenoid; bevelled clasp; screws (x4); imperceptibly smaller screws (x4); possibly vital component / possibly errant piece of flashing; really tiny cogs (x38); acid pack housing; sealed PSU; decal.

Assemble the components as shown in figures 1, 2a, 2b, 3 and 13. Ignore figures 4 through 12 as these were only included through a mistake of the printer's. (Particularly ignore figure 8.) Once all parts are joined, attempt to eke out a few minutes of low-level distraction from the magazine itself by flicking through the thin collection of shiny, squeaky pages.

Issue 2
You've found somewhere that still stocks the magazine - congratulations! You've bought a copy, even after seeing the normal price - well done! Draw on that well of grey, angry tenacity that you're going to see it through now you've come this far and unpack the parts that came with this issue. You should have: spongy dividing plate; pivoted jack (female); pivoted jack (male); missing printed circuit board; locking nut; lemon rind; rubber washer (x8); ink; confetti; miniature shower head attachment; magnesium ribbon. Set fire to the magnesium ribbon.


" 1, 2 and, to some extent, 3 "
Now construct the components as shown in figures 1, 2 and, to some extent, 3. If you have done so correctly, you'll notice that figure 4 bears no relation to what you actually have in your hands; so it's down to trial and error and lots of forehead-creasing postulating on what might possibly be a functioning result, we're afraid. Finally, clean the pegs used to seat the missing printed circuit board. The missing printed circuit board was fabricated in the Philippines, and testing detected some flaws in its operation that impaired performance and also left it outside the safety regulations for materials imported into this country. A badly printed slip inserted between the glossy advertisement pamphlets for improbable book clubs and the centre pages suggests an alternative circuit board will appear in a later issue; this is a lie. Buy the original direct from Manila through our credit card hotline. (It will appear on your bill as "harmless bicycle ornament.")

Issue 3
Wake in shocking bewilderment at 6am, and sign blearily for the subscription copy you ordered in an attempt to save on travel expenses. Pay the excess postage and pick up the parcel awkwardly, foreshadowing a good long back sprain around the time of your Christmas holiday. Find a table and lay out this issue's components. You should have: perspex frontage; electrical cabling; worrying metal spike; magnetic patella (x2); ratchet; fastening pea (x4); organic endoskeleton; potentiometer. You will have forgotten where you placed the mechanism you built from the previous issue's components or it will have been thrown out during over-zealous tidying by an infuriating relative. Order a back issue from page 11.

Once delivered and reassembled, attach the new parts to the base as indicated in diagram Q19. Jam the electrical cabling into the hole in the PSU that you've listlessly tried to match with every single component so far because we supplied it with issue one and have as yet failed to do more than passingly acknowledge it exists, affix (or "fix," to personal taste) a plug to the other end of the cable, connect to a wall socket and turn on the power. Use the worrying metal spike to stab into the PSU until you feel an abrupt and savage tightening of the muscles in your arm, shoulder and the associated side of your face and neck. (If you are over 18 years old, please ask a young child to do this for you as they possess a less acutely developed sense of fear.)

Well done - you've Built-It! Next month sees the launch of our new paper, What In The Name Of The Christ Is It?, at a special introductory price.
Creche to crush

Slink to sling

Fatter to batter

Dilapidate to decapitate

Newspaper to flypaper
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