Play up, fellows! The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
X MARKS THE SPOT
The Mountain of Youth

The Lost City of Elder Ado

Homes of the Stars of Skiffle

Captain Kidd's Treasure, Aren't You Captain Kidd's Treasure, Yes You Are, Yes You Are, His Little Treasure, Good Boy, Good Boy, Fetch The Stick

The Elephantiasis Graveyard
Evening Class
HOW TO ACT
4 weeks - Weds, 6pm to 8pm

ABOUT THE COURSE
Do you like pretending? Do you think you could act professionally? Come along to this friendly, small class and learn how acting could help you in your career, and even in everyday life!

ABOUT THE INSTRUCTOR
AJ Ewdon is a name you probably won't recognise, but whose face is known all over the country. AJ has been acting for her own amusement, and professionally, for over 20 years.

COURSE TIMETABLE
Week 1: Acting surprised. Caught out? Past indiscretions revealed? Learn how to turn the tables.
Week 2: Acting shocked. How do you transfer a friend's minor confession into something you can use? Instil deep-seated, embarrassed guilt by acting as if you've just been told your friend violated their own grandfather, or, in the case of grandfather-violation, as if they'd violated Nicholas Parsons.
Week 3: Acting acting on impulse. How to make it look as if something carefully planned has this moment occurred to you.
Week 4: Feigning. Advanced acting techniques, including sham injury, depression and death.
Final exam: A supervisor has CCTV footage of you pilfering at work. During the interview, an ex-lover storms in to accuse you of child neglect. Convince the Bishop of Doncaster that none of this is your fault, and that he owes you a tenner.
Course fee: 75 plus 10 materials.
HOW TO OVERTHROW THE STATE
Intensive course
3 weeks - Tue/Thu, 6pm to 9pm


ABOUT THE COURSE
The state oppresses us all. We each have our own state, looming over us and denying our chance to reach our full potential. Identify your state: research its weaknesses: overthrow it and break free from that controlling influence to live as you wish!

ABOUT THE INSTRUCTOR
Bob Tandally has travelled extensively, investigating states all over the world and learning from local experts how best to overthrow them. Let his accumulated knowledge help you achieve a stateless existence.

COURSE TIMETABLE
Week 1: Principles of overthrowing the state; finding your own state and listing the ways it has kept you from becoming your own person.
Week 2: Clarifying that the state Bob is talking about is an actual state, and not some limp-willy mental thing like a state of denial, or other mumbo-jumbo crystal-rubbing crazy rubbish only a bunch of wussy girls would sign up for; unarmed combat.
Week 3: How to blow up Parliament with only the contents of the cupboard under the sink.
Final exam: Blowing up Parliament with only the contents of the cupboard under the sink.
Course fee: 50, plus 15 materiel.
HOW TO SHOWER
6 weeks - Mon, 6pm to 7:30pm

ABOUT THE COURSE
94% of us take care of our daily ablutions with a shower, yet only 27% shower to certificate level. This course takes you all the way from the basics of choosing a sponge, through the maintenance of your shower and the importance of giving it a good wash with a secondary shower, to advanced techniques such as air-spray and coping with suds.

ABOUT THE INSTRUCTOR
Dabflask Quibsy began showering at the age of 11 and lectures throughout Britain on showers. He is the author of Showered With Gratitude: How Showering Helped Little Lungless Lucy To Walk Again, and edits Shower Power!, Europe's second-largest showering magazine. He is currently raising sponsorship to shower under Niagara Falls for charity.

COURSE TIMETABLE
Week 1 to 6: Each lesson is split roughly in half between theory and practical work, using the showers of various establishments around town.
Final exam: Showering quickly and with a concealed air of awkwardness in public after a game of squash at the sports centre, then going home and having a proper shower. A pass mark of 65% entitles you to the City and Guilds Shower Certificate Stage One.
Course fee: 25. Soap-on-a-Rope is provided.
TENNIS ELBOW
Triple jump groin

Hurdles shin

Chess brain

Kabaddi tongue

Rugby face
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