Beware the Idles' March The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
For the fishing

To get rid of bodies

To drink the waters, as one of my grandparents on the distaff did before me, for a while

For petrol

To get back at nature
Totween Kemmle - Britain's Voice of Music-hall
It appears that two men met, and the first man, who was a very low sort of fellow and had accompanied himself with a mongrel much ragged from rough living on London's paving-streets, remarked to the second, "My dog has no nose."

The second man, who was well-to-do and applied himself diligently to bettering his position and by extension the lot of all Britons, was intrigued by the curious statement, and asked: "But, in which case, how does your dog smell?"

The first man replied, "Terrible."

"Ha ha!" laughed the second man gaily. "You do not realise it, for you are intellectually narrow, but you have made a punning-quip and inadvertently provided me with some brief amusement." And he gave the first man a shilling coin and told him to get a job.
It seems that two men met, and the first man, an eminent banker whose name you would surely recognise in a moment, so addressed the second in this manner: "My dear sir! I have seen you about the town seldom over these last many weeks."

The second man, whose name is similarly a byword for financial acumen and shrewdness, excused himself so: "I have been unwell."

"I am sorry to hear of this," continued the first man. "But I notice you are alone as you re-emerge from convalescence. Where is your good lady wife?"

"She is travelling abroad," explained the second man. "She has gone to the West Indies."

The first man, interested, sought a clarification. "Jamaica?"

"No, she betook herself of her own volition."

The first man commented, "But surely that is something of an unusualness? A married wife, alone among godless heathens?"

The second man answered, "You are quite correct. It is a scandalous affair, and I am on my way home to commit suicide from shame using my fowling-piece."

"Well, goodbye then!" spoke the first man, and they parted company on the most amiable terms.
It appears that two men met, and the first man, who by his industry had risen to become a cabinet minister, said to the second, "Doctor Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains."

The second man, who was indeed the famous physician Doctor MD Doctor, MD, replied, "Come come, man, these domestic matters are surely the business of your good lady wife."

"You are correct," said the first man, colouring. "Why, that is just the jolt I needed. I feel better already."

"Ha ha! I knew that would do the trick," said the second man. "There is no harm done. Now, let us go to the club and discuss the perplexing situation in India-land and see if we cannot solve it by the end of this evening with another dose of good British know-how."

"Yes, let us do so, you wily physic!" chuckled the first man, and they left soon afterwards.
It appears that two men met, and the first man, a doctor of no little repute who had seen in his lifetime service for his country, who was separated from the second by a stout door, knocked for entry with the head of his cane. The second man, a footman, was slack in his duties, so the first man knocked again. This at last roused the second man, a footman, who answered the door and enquired after the identity of the first.

With an icy stare properly discomfiting the second man, the footman, the first man, the doctor, gave over his visiting card and, in due course, was admitted to see the master of the house, who nonetheless died three days afterwards from brain fever. The second man, the footman, was convinced his master could have been saved had he only answered the door punctually, and took to drink and his ruin. How wond'rously simple are our servants!
It seems that two men met, and the first man, who bore on one shoulder a curious object, supported by both hands in a position of comfort and safety, enquired of the second, "Do you know what this is?"

The second man, his understandable haste to reach a temperance meeting at a church hall notwithstanding, replied, "I do not know. What is it, please?"

The first man, with an air of confidentiality, explained, "It's a Greek urn."

The second man was puzzled. He rubbed at his whiskers and pursued the question. "What's a Greek urn?"

"Twenty drachmas a week," retorted the first man.

"Why, that is disgraceful," chided the second man. "You will never achieve profitability that way. Business is not about coddling your workforce. Why, they should be grateful that you have brought them over from their primitive caving-tenements to the vigour and splendour of Britain."

"Ha ha!" chortled the first man jovially. "I am afraid I have executed a tricking-joke upon you. It was merely a play on words. The hinge, of course, was my grammatically slack contraction of 'It is' to lure you into answering 'What's.' No one would really say such things in educated conversation."

"Why, you are right!" laughed the second man. "Jove, that is a good one. Yes, you have certainly got me there, you rascal."
It seems that two men met, and the first man, who was a woman, alit from her carriage in such a way as to drop her muff due to the clumsiness of the attending doorman.

The second man, who was himself leaving the hotel, stooped to retrieve the muff, fixing the mutton-fingered servant with a glance that had in its time caused many powerful businessmen to blanch and stammer, and, raising his hat, returned the muff to the first man, who was a woman.

The first man, who was a woman, thanked him and indicated conversationally, "It is tiresome to have to protect one's hands in this inelegant manner, but the sharp weather practically demands it."

"Indeed," agreed the second man. "Winter draws on."

Immediately the first man, who was a woman, signalled for a police-bobby, who struck the second man four resounding blows with his repressing-truncheon. The doorman, who had witnessed the incident, gave evidence to spare the first man, who was a woman, any further trauma, and in due time the judicial system incarcerated the second man in a stone correcting prison.

Leaving the prison following the completion of his seven-year sentence, the second man had a flash of insight. "My goodness," he declared to himself, "I now see how my remark could have been misinterpreted as a ribaldry. Why, I am the juggins of the world." And he made his way home by the blackest alleyways to avoid human contact and dispatched himself using a modern gas outlet.





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