Play up, fellows! The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
SOME DAY, SON, ALL THIS WILL BE YOURS
So if I kill you now, I'll inherit retrospectively

But only if you can guess the number I'm thinking of

Plus! A toaster

So help me load it into the back of the van and let's get the hell out of here

No, I meant Al This, my special robot friend. He go beep!
I've Lived Here All My Life
I've lived here all my lifeThe Gentleman's Arms public-house? Of course I know where it is, I've lived here all my life. (Puff puff.) Hmmm, you've done well to get this far. Confusing roads in these parts, positively treacherous. (Puff puff.) Righto, go down this road and take the first right, the first right and again the first right, then turn left. You'll be back on this road and going in the other direction, which shows how easily you can lose your bearings here. Get back the way you were going originally - a fast three-sixty over the dividing line ought to do it, not much to worry about in the way of opposing traffic, they're all solidly careful drivers around here except Mrs Fliff, and it's her bingo night - and take the first right, the first right again and - ha, yes, well spotted - the first left and go on for three hundred yards. I don't know what that is in these new "metres," but I expect you have a dial for that sort of thing. What you're looking for is a magnificent horse-chestnut tree set back from the road on the left - it's quite famous around here, and we like people to see it. After that, take a right and a left, then go straight on at the crossroads and turn right, then the eighth left. Keep your eyes peeled for a country inn sort of place - lovely architecture, homely atmosphere, in fact I think they have rooms if you're making a journey out of it - keep your eyes peeled, as the turn-off is extremely sudden, it's all but hidden by the wall, and the moment you're abreast of it, you want the lane that was beforehand, and that goes straight to the Gentleman's Arms, where I think they're planning the grand reopening for next weekend.
I've lived here all my lifeThe hospital? Of course I know where it is, I've lived here all my life. (Puff puff.) Now, do you want Accident and Emergency, or are you visiting? Yes, I can see it's an ambulance, I thought it might be your night off; there's no need for sarcasm, young man, my generation invented sarcasm, invented it and fought for it, and my brother died for it and his last words were that it was so worth his while. Carry on down this road for a while, about the length of time it would take to get a good grip of today's crossword, not yesterday's, that was rather an off day, and take the next left into Primrose Lane, very nice area, major roadworks so you might want to hare through as fast as possible to minimise the bouncing and gravelly underdamage. From here it's a left and straight on for a mile over our famous Cattle-Grid Row, ha, they still chuckle over that in the local, well-known council cock-up, and across one of our landmarks, Stephen's Bridge, dates back to the 11th century and has been preserved in its original unfinished state, so you might want to put your foot down there. Once on the other side, look for the ford, and if it's flooded get across as quickly as possible, as you're going to have a stampede of cows down that lane any minute. You should be able to see the hospital clearly from this point, and there's a footpath leading straight down through the woods.
I've lived here all my lifeThe graveyard? Of course I know where it is, I've lived here all my life. (Puff puff.) Now, let's see, you'll be wanting to go through the Corkscrew - we call it that because it's one long continuous spiral of a road, amazing engineering feat, done for a bet; if your turning circle's up to it you can do the whole thing with your steering wheel tied to the door, take a nap or something, but watch out for the end as there's a sudden and rather steep dip into the tunnels - then along for a while until you see the exit for Sunrise Lane. The light over the sign's broken, so keep your headlights on, and your visor down, as the sunrise comes straight down that stretch something shocking. Up into the lane, then left and left again, and the graveyard's a little way along on both sides, as by then you've gone through the gate. What? Well, it's perfectly straightforward, but if you feel it would help, I'd be glad to come along. Right, off we go. Smooth ride, I was in another car once. Yes, as it happens, I'm going that way myself - I'm going to check my inscription. Hahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahahahaha! Oh, you're doomed to repeat your route until you can get past Sunrise Lane without crashing again? I see, small world, isn't it? Well, if you could just let me off here. Oh, er, right, I'll get the crossword out then.
DOG TIRED
Cow bored

Cat evil

Crab stupid

Okapi listless

Squirrel confused

Gibbon shameless
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