THE AP VIKING FUNERAL VIDEO
A transcription of the events of the evening of August 15th, 1996
A 12m 19s, 2.8mb mp3. Courtesy of and (c) Tim Norris*
by AMIGA POWER feat The Legendary Andy O
(Barker / Campbell / Davies / Faragher / Huntley / Nash / Norris / Ounsted / Pelley / Winstanley)
Having completed the final issue and with the three sample copies back from the printer, Steve and Sue arrange a wake for AP, the climax of which is to be a ceremonial burning and floating away. Cam is called upon to construct a raft and to arm himself with inflammable liquids. In order to give those ex-members of AP who are able to attend time to finish work, arrive from different parts of the country or conclude games of squash, the wake begins at the pavement tables of The Garrick's Head. One thing leads to another, and this stage takes two to four hours. At around nine o'clock, everyone is deemed present.
(We join the mighty beings as they make their way to the River Avon - fittingly, near the bridge where the Four Cyclists of the Apocalypse made their first appearance. Present are Linda Barker, Stuart Campbell, Steve Faragher, Sue Huntley, Tim Norris, Rich Pelley, Cam Winstanley and special guest star Andy Ounsted of Your Sinclair, who happened to be passing. Absent are Jonathan Davies, who was visiting a software company, and J Nash, who had passed Steve the copy of AP65 to be burned, said, "I'm just going to the toilet," and done so, except Steve in his pleasantly drunk state had forgotten, so everyone left.)
(Sound of traffic - they are crossing a road.)
STEVE: Perhaps we'll die in a tragic road accident.
(Rich lunges into shot.)
TIM: A tragic tripping-over-Tim's-shoes accident.
(Jump cut. They are further along the road.)
ANDY O: ... they actually went bankrupt. (Pause. To Tim.) I hope you're not going home on your moped tonight.
(General sounds of people walking after having slightly too much to drink.)
ANDY O: You're going to shoot it, aren't you?
CAM: Well no, that was your idea, was to fire flaming --
(Jump cut. They are beside the river. Cam has produced the AP Viking Boat, a small raft.)
STUART: ... for goodness' sake.
CAM: Well, yes he should. But the fact that he isn't --
RICH (cutting across): Perhaps he... an old Pig Latin sort of thing.(?)
LINDA: A kind of...
STUART: An old AP battlehead.
STEVE: If (unintelligible) were here, they'd feel dirty and tainted in some way. But it isn't. We're here. (Chuckle.) Tim's here with his ("Splendid" - Ed) video thing.
TIM: That's why I'm keeping it running. (Pause.) Nope, can't see anybody at all.
(Cam is applying a can of liquid paraffin Clean Art to the issue.)
STEVE: Spookily like a cross.
ANDY O: All overcoming of Christ.(?)
CAM: I think we might.
RICH: It's just going to fall over and drown. Sink.
STUART: That'd be entirely fitting, Rich.
ANDY O: You're just a little arsonist, aren't you?
RICH: I've done this before.
STUART: We never did get you.(?)
(Sound of breaking wood.)
STEVE: We all go inconsiderate about litter.
ANDY O: But tonight --
STUART: Nobody tells AMIGA POWER what to do about with bits of, er --
ANDY O: You've got attitude, haven't you?
STUART: -- old board.
STEVE: Hmmm. Still has to be one of the most ludicrous things we've ever done.
CAM: 65 issues!
(He lights it. Small explosion. Cheers. Sue laughs.)
ANDY O: We're going to aim over there then.
LINDA: You've probably got a fish there.
CAM: 65 issues of the best magazine that Future ever did. And they never realised it ever.
STEVE: AMIGA POWER.
STUART: Yeah. Go out with a (unintelligible).
ANDY O: Bless her.
LINDA: And all who sail in her.
CAM: And the stupid thing is, all of the lessons learned on AMIGA POWER are now completely lost.
CAM: Because they're going back to doing ("Jolly" - Ed) stupid things like PC... Power, what was it called?
STUART: The magazine with no attitude.
STEVE: Play Station.
CAM: Play Station Power. (Pause.) Good thing I used Clean Art because (unintelligible; someone coughs).
LINDA: May she rest in peace.
STEVE: But that, that again is very fitting, that it should be stolen from Stationery.
ANDY O: Snatched.
ANDY O: In fact, did you sign for that?
(Jump cut. The boat must be launched.)
STEVE: Cam, go on, you're the technician. You do it, mate.
LINDA: (unintelligible; Sue is coughing violently).
CAM: Bet he says that as well.(?)
(Sue coughs again.)
STEVE: I'll stand in the light smoking a cigarette right next to it.
(Tim coughs. Sue coughs. Sue laughs.)
LINDA: Pat him on the back, Steve.(?)
STEVE: You're going to have to push it out, aren't you?
CAM: I am.
STEVE: (unintelligible) It's decent.
(Cam is trying to push the boat out. It is stuck. Tim laughs.)
STEVE: Hands up who's going to be more daft this year.
TIM: (laughs) No.
ANDY O: (unintelligible)
STEVE: It is the Wake Drink of Champions. Where's Jonathan?
SUE: Oh! I don't know.
TIM: Oh no!
ANDY O: When did we lose him?
SUE: When did he go?
LINDA: He didn't just go to the toilet or something, did he?
SUE: I never saw him. Not that I was in the men's.
STEVE: Maybe he knew about Tim's camera.
ANDY O: Yes.
LINDA: Oh, of course.
ANDY O: Because he would want to be edited out of any shots.
STUART: Of darkness.
SUE: Not that Tim can see anything.
TIM: But I hear all.
LINDA: Have you got a tape recorder on it and all?
TIM: It has sound.
LINDA: Oh, wow!
TIM: This is the modern age.
STUART: Wasn't he here earlier?
ANDY O: No. He didn't set off with us at all.
TIM: Oh, did he not? I thought he was with us as we were walking down. He'll be fearfully cross.
LINDA: Mmm. Let's call him. (Calls.) Jon-a-than!
STEVE: We've got five editors. That's not bad.
LINDA: It's like the Five Doctors. (Laughs.)
RICH: We should have invited Matt Bielby.
STEVE: Because I count you, Stuart, even if Future don't.
STUART: Aw, thanks Steve.
CAM: You were certainly longer-running than me.
STEVE: You beat me, too.
(Sue appears to have obscured the lens, although it remains too dark to tell.)
CAM: I almost certainly predict my hand is going to catch on fire when I do this.
(Andy O laughs.)
ANDY O: You'd get in the Bath Chronicle.
LINDA: You mean you didn't invite them? Aw.
TIM: Well, we have video.
ANDY O: This would have made the front cover of the Bath Chronicle.
(Cam succeeds in pushing free the boat. Cheers and applause. It capsizes and sinks almost immediately. Applause.)
CAM: Oh yes.
LINDA: That is so brilliant.
ANDY O: Capsized.
STUART: That's the way it should be.
ANDY O: (unintelligible)
STEVE: Farewell, AMIGA POWER. You were a friend.
SUE: It's a shame there's no current tonight.
TIM: Some sort of long stick might seem to be in order.
LINDA: Yeah. Break a tree.
(Cam breaks a tree.)
CAM: Don't usually put two planks together.(?)
(Pause as Cam prods at boat.)
CAM: Well, in that one action we had about sixteen percent of the ABC for the entire issue.
LINDA: Gaw, it stinks. (Pause.) We're polluting the river. Kin hell.
STEVE: It doesn't seem to be burning.(?)
RICH: I had this image of it kind of floating off down the river.
LINDA: That's kind of what I imagined.
ANDY O: Why did it list?
LINDA: It's a Future magazine.
STUART: That wouldn't have been right, Rich. That's what Ultimate Future Games would have done. (Pause.) It's raging hard against the dying of the light.
CAM: And the mere fact that it didn't quite work as planned...
STUART: AMIGA POWER certainly didn't.
CAM: I'd rather have hairy programmers on the back page than (unintelligible).
ANDY O: Still burning.
CAM: Well, maybe it's alcohol, but I'm genuinely moved. (Pause. Everyone sighs.) I can't help feeling I'm never going to do anything quite as good as AMIGA POWER.
STUART: Let's all throw ourselves in.
LINDA: Nothing left to live for. While it was alive there was still a hope, y'know... that I might go back. (Laughs.)
STUART: We doused it in champagne anyway.
LINDA: More than Future ever did for it.
STUART: Too right.
CAM: Well. Three feet, three-and-a-half feet. (Laughter.) Before it listed badly.
ANDY O: It made a sterling effort though.
STEVE: The glorious thing is that somebody'll find it tomorrow and be genuinely perplexed.
(Cam laughs loudly.)
CAM: As we've always planned it to be.
ANDY O: Will they say what, why or who?
STUART: You know, the distance it's made it into the centre of the river is probably directly proportional to the distance of the Matt Bielby Golden Age before we turned it into AMIGA POWER.
RICH: Are there fireworks now?
LINDA: I should've brought my (unintelligible) shouldn't I? I was saving them for such an occasion. (Laughs.) I was going to have them on my birthday, but I forgot.
STUART: Was that it? The last blue (unintelligible)?
LINDA: Mmm. (Loud splash. The empty bottle has been thrown at the raft.) Oh! No, they've got another one. Whoops, eh?
CAM: (sighs) I wanted to make that one act of vandalism.
STEVE: Well, two. (Laughter.) First there was an act of vandalism...
CAM: Well, one that was successful at any rate.
STEVE: ...then there was another one.
CAM: Of it.
LINDA: We'll probably get arrested for being crap. "You're not doing it properly."
ANDY O: Still can't understand why it fell over, though.
LINDA: It was probably top-heavy.
STUART: Because it could.
(Meanwhile, back at the toilets, J Nash has emerged to find everyone gone. He is fearfully cross. Astoundingly, he bumps into Jonathan Davies, who has just returned from his visit to the software house and who knows the bridge of which J Nash speaks. They make their way there to meet the other mighty beings coming back. Steve is terribly embarrassed and apologises, but still can't quite remember being told that JN was merely going to the toilet. Fortunately, there is one more issue. They repair to the bridge upon which the Four Cyclists of the Apocalypse first manifested themselves and prepare to set the issue alight and drop it from on high into the determinedly still waters of the river. Tim remains below, scrunched up on the bank to get a neat angle on the plunging issue, so almost all of the dialogue is inaudible.)
CAM: First there was a burning. Then there was another one.
TIM: Of it.
(Pause. Inaudible dialogue.)
CAM: Never mind. Carry on.
STUART: Let it go, Cam. Let it go.
(Cam lights the issue. It flares spectacularly. Cam's alarmed features are caught forever on camera as perhaps only the third visible shot of the entire tape. He flings away the burning issue, which drops into the river.)
ANDY O: It's still burning.
CAM: That worked better the second time.
ANDY O: Actually, that one was better than the first one.
CAM: Ah. How odd that we should get it right second time round.
STUART: Once again: and in real life.
STUART: (unintelligible) but we'll make it a bunch of crazy kids who get out of control (unintelligible).
ANDY O: Cam (unintelligible). No, get back in your crate.
STEVE: It's because it isn't saturated with water yet.
CAM: The eternal flame.
CAM (sighs): No stone --
(Tim sighs, cutting him off.)