Cast Out the Pesky The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards

Consumer information
Paupers love TRAMP DRINK. (Etc.)
Better Yourself

And, by extension, the lot of all Britons.
Position: Under-under-footman. Responsibilities: The under-under-footman is responsible for undertaking everything beneath the under-footman but beyond the under-under-under-footman. Specific duties vary from day to day, and are outlined each morning over breakfast in under ten minutes. At all other times the under-under-footman shall remain belowstairs with behaviour above reproach. (Etc.)
The Bill Before the House

Governing in action.
Bill to Dissipate the Influence of the Criming-Criminal introduced by the Rt Hon Rthon Foabes (Whig), Member for Tidewell. (Etc.)
Britain's Heritage of Games

Regional past-times enjoyed by Britain's generations.
Game: Kiss-the-Stick. Played chiefly in: Shepton Mallet. Objective: Kiss the stick. Obstacles: Stick rapping face. Rating: Hilarious. (Etc.)
Confounding Riddles With The Master Of Riddles

Can you untangle the Master Of Riddles' devious glottic knots?
Thirty white horses on a red hill. First they champ, then they stamp, then they stand still. Question: What are they? Answer: They are geldings. (Etc.)
Corner Shop

Garb your torso.
This chap's bought an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such WASTEFUL EXTRAVAGANCE. You too could display similar penitence by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop.(Etc.)
Mrs Bookery's Etiquette of Common Situations

How gentlefolk ought to behave at any given time.
Situation: On discovering in company that the roaring drawing-room fire has revealed the indolence of the sweep in recovering his youthful assistant. Attitude: Playful. Solution: Remark that you did not realise this was the smoking-room and suggest the party move to the library. Dismiss firm of sweeps. (Etc.)

An archive of features.
The Weekly's famous features. (Etc.)
Further Excellent Purchases

Splendid things you can buy.
I Am Not My Brother's Keeper Internationally Recognised Criminal Brother Responsibility Exemption Certificate - The Wife And Carpet Beater - Christ, These Look Like Jodhpurs! Oh Wait I See! Jodhpurs. (Etc.)

Hurrah! But wait, bah.
At the Dentist's - The Tiniest Cricketer Gets His Chance - A Trip to the Theatre - Bearding a Merry Outlaw. (Etc.)
Is it Acceptable?

The morally instructive determinings of PROFESSOR THAUMUS PHAMBLEMELL
A CORRESPONDENT WRITES: I have a child, which I believe is called Neville. Scarcely a moment passes in which it is not engaged in wasteful frivolity, or emitting a noise of the most unsettling description. The child is greatly in need of discipline, but its nanny is some kind of nannying socialist, preferring to pander to its whims for "companionship" and "food"; and my wife died while giving birth and is therefore of no help at all. (Etc.)
Letters From the Editor

A fascinating correspondence.
Sir: They say writing is all about killing your babies. I should like to advise your readers that this is, in fact, infanticide. (Etc.)
LL Limerick Of Limerick And His Limericks On Laudanum

That bedazzled poet.
Ladies! Beware of the chap who entreats you to sit on his lap. It may seem quite gay in the style of the day but it ends with you both in a flap. (Etc.)
Nautical Lingo With Captain Ned

Authentic sea-speak deciphered by the resident salt.
Original lingo: Hoist the mainsail! Translated lingo: Raise the mainsail, please. (Etc.)
State of the Pound

The currency currently.
The pound is holding steady against that feeling of angry frustration akin to having four seconds in which to convey electro-magnetic induction to 40 six-year-old Polish mutes in a plummeting lift filled with water and a thrashing bison. (Etc.)
Tom Sandwich

The master of placards.
Q. What did the fly say to the giraffe? A. "Buzz buzz-a-buzz, baby." (Etc.)
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