Was That Chap a Foreign? The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
Further Excellent Purchases
Heaven's Above! Vertical Compass

Just Like My Unfortunate Daddy Training Crutches And Little Hammer Gift Set

Punch In The Mouth Whimsical Pugilist-Shaped Drinks Dispenser

Tiny Dead Ravens In A Nice Shiny Box

I Am Not My Brother's Keeper Internationally Recognised Criminal Brother Responsibility Exemption Certificate

Power Paper 2000

10,000 Piece Louis Mountbatten Action Portrait Jigsaw

The Lawn And Dog Mower

Pretty Puddings

The Guinness Book Of Matches

Smoke Alarm With Snooze Button

The Towel Recycler

Electronic Wouldn't-You-Like-To-Know

The Pupil Crammer

I'm Trapped In My Overturned Car Behind A Hedge And Invisible From The Road 12 Miles East Of Barnsley Extremely Specific Personal Alarm

The Benny Hill Make-Go-Fast

The Beach Ball-Gag

All-Purpose Cranking Handles

More Than You Can Eat

Joyce Grenfell Presents How To Defend Yourself Against Knife Attacks

Let's Do The Show Right Here In The Barn! Home Barn

More Desirable Versions Of Existing Things

Justice Dustbins

Salt-Vinegar-Mustard-Pepper Cruet Set Extruded In The Shape Of A Skipping Rope (Cannot Be Used For Skipping)

The Disguise Yourself As Ian Holm Playset

Skeleton-in-the-Cupboard! Complete Private Investigator's Report for Birthday Parties

The Turf Tidy

Scissors Safe To Run With: Should You Trip, The Integral Mercury Sensing Apparatus And Explosive Charge Ensure The Blades Are Fired Harmlessly Away From Your Body

Japanese Schoolgirl Milk

Combination Clothes Iron And Ion Emitter

Drinks Flask With Four Interchangeable Vacuums

I've Got No Clothes On! - The New Family Game


The Distance Misjudger

Liquid Panacea - The Solution For All Your Ills

Mumbling For Boys

Cork Flakes

Tourist Man-Traps


Musical Bones Shin Resonator

Mr Big-James

Can You Hear Me Mother? - The Official Sandy Powell Method For Determining Parental Death

My First Woodchipper

The Hedge And Lady Trimmer

What The Hell Are You Talking About? Guide To What The Hell People Are Talking About

Custer's Hat Stand

The Guaranteed Ghost-Free Bedsheet

Electronic Yikes! II

The Magnificent Jape

Evel Knievel's Evil Kneefuls o' Weevils

The Childhood Fears Nursery Mobile

Trust Me, I'm A Doctor! Chloroforming-Justification Badge

The Near-The-Knuckle Explicitly Shaped Knuckle-Shaving Apparatus

The Obey-Me Megaphone

The One-Pound Stone

The Pelmet Mate

Pay-As-You-Go Parachute Jumps

Suddenly It's Pickles!

The Tadpole Bather

Ear Fresh

Double-Sided Playing Cards

The Lice Rink

Origami Ankles Of Radio News-Readers, Set III

Can A Man Truly Be Dead Who Is Remembered By His Friends? Professional Man's-Friends-Killing Stick

Teeny-Tiny Books

Cripplin' Painz

Pure Evil

My First Agile Intelligent Venomous Scuttling Pet And Loosely Latched Cage

Diet Brine

The Go-Anywhere Vase

Watch That Child! Puncture-Free Ceramic Tyres

The Cricket And Eyelash Bat

Dozens Of Tongues

Strokealike! Muscle Slackener



The Tuning And Salad Fork

The Maniac Butler

That's My Shinbone!

Record Your Own Black Box

Frozen Cold

Gorilla Botherer 8000

Is This Anyone's? Anyone Here Claiming This? If It Isn't Anyone's, I'm Going To Take It. Anyone? Last Chance. Okay Then

My Little Yoni

Mauve Loaves

101 Subtle Conversational Ways To Discover The Names Of People Who Seem To Know You From Somewhere

A Spare Proton

The X- And Manta Ray

The Super Nose

Crosse-and-Blackwell-Your-Heart Nutritious Soup Bra

Largely Non-Fatal Homespun Wisdom

A Jubilant Mass

Scent Of Henry

Cracker Wants A Polly, The Non-Judgmental Companion For Easeless Criminal Psychologists

Hole-in-the-Heart Coloured Plugs

Cloudy, Brackish Grade B Water

Jukebox In Your Mouth

Chequered Pasts

Confidence-Building Solo Flight Gift Certificate For Narcoleptics

I've Got A Backpack

The Goitre Warmer

Benson's Self-Trouser

The Portable CD-Radio-Cassette Player And Mouse-Bath

Help Me, Val Doonican!

The Wonder Stabber

The Atlantic (Gravitational Pull Of The Moon Not Included)

The Gaberdine Tantaliser

Word-Swallowing For Provincials

The Get Away From My Pennies Railway-Spike

It's Gravel!

Radio-Transmitted Diseases

Your Face In Tar

Coin-Operated Indecipherable Gurgler

The Feelings Tenderiser

The Official Neighbourhood Watch Timepiece

Shakespeare's Flannel

A Trombonist's Thrombosis

55 Further Ways To Place Melvyn Hayes In Jeopardy

The Molecular Sieve


Think Marmalade

John Peel's Gay Coat

A Curable Romantic

Complete Mastery Of Man And All His Dominions: An Orbis Partwork

Fat-Free, Salt-Free, Sugar-Free Fatty Salty Sugar Cubes

The Fancy Fantastic Fantasy Revolving Blades Set At An Angle Wind Making Thing

The Underwater Doe

The I Can't Even Begin To Explain How Excellent This Is

Razed Eyebrows

Postage And Packing

The Beer And Glassing Glass

Nasal Passages: Extracts From Famous Works Of Literature Read By The Country's Finest Adenoidal Celebrities

The All-In-One

The Remote-Controlled Fork

Shades Of Yesterday, The Endangeringly Misjudged Range Of Historically Themed Household Paints, Including Perilous Yellow, Rivers-Of-Blood Red And Shirt-Black: From The People Who Brought You Smilin' Sammy Sepoy Basting Fat

It's Cock-a-Doodle-Dan!

Tremper-Browne's Miniature Pyramid Of Dynamite

My Super Bodyguard: The Intravenous Mastiff

The "Maid's Surprise"

I've Seldom Tasted A Finer Custard Than This

Resemble Brigands!

Kick-start Primitive Cultures With The Two-in-One Firewheel

Exactly The Right Amount Of Treachery

Upgrade To The Best Things In Life Plus For Just One Guinea

The Lighty-Bulby

Trad Arr Tribute Album

Some Time To Think About It (Available In Three- And Six-Minute Punnets)

Duck-Flummoxing Bread Projector

Honestly Different Batteries

Limited Edition Grace Jones Matey Bubblebath

Musical Coffee Table: Coffee Table Music Version

Fudgie-Budgie - He's So Sweet!

Has Anybody Seen My Peanuts?
The Wife And Carpet Beater

Bashful Roger Inarticulated Play Figurine

The Bumper Book Of World Customs Illustrated Smuggling Guide

The Shoop-de-Shoop

Empty Spaces Not Quite Big Enough For The Intended Piece Of Furniture

Bumper Endorsement Gift Set: Lionel Atwill Twill, The Wheeler & Woolsey Woolly Wheel, Hattie Jacques Hat-E-Japes, The David Thewlis Thew Rest, The Tony Hancock Stopcock, The Arthur Negus Knee Bus And Penelope Keith's Sheaths

Clockwork Tenors

The Suffocating Volcanic Ash Lamp

I'm Trapped In My Tomb! 10,000-Slave Escape Kit

It's Oblong!

The Marvellous Mechanical Mouse Hitter

World's Largest Aquarium! Oversized Pump, Weeds And Plastic Castle For Throwing Into The Sea

The Cowl Mate

I Am The Protractor Sinister Maths Equipment Set

The Ankle-Hang Glider

Vibrating Personal Page-Boy

Decoy Shinty Team

Mrs Torso Visits Mr Trunk Educational Picture-Book For Murderers

Let's Not Learn About Death Pre-Killed Pets

The Omni Lid

In-Between Stations-Only Junior Practice Set For Budding Radio Astronomers

This Looks Like A Job For... Upliftingly Declaimed Temp Agency Phone Calls

Gummy Mama Yahoo's Moody Yehudi Menuhin Yummy Yam Menus

Lionel, Let's Think Of A Good Name For This Before We Sell It

Doggee Hat - The Hat For Dogs


The Bonsai Tree, Tiny Axe And Miniature Sawmill Kit

Christopher Biggins - The Shed

Attack Me, I'm Weak! Darwinian Personal Alarm

Shepherd Confuser 9000

Pease Pudding Hot Pease Pudding Cold Pease Pudding In The Pot Nine Days Old Official Packet Of Peas And Serving Suggestion

The Corpse Detector

Child Safe

Don't Move! I'm Not Moving! Not You! Armed Robbery Mood-Lightening Misunderstander

Tinder Cinders

The Silly 4000

The Swan Whistle

Dining Goggles

No-Angst Teen Palpitation Inducer Implant

Bunky Beds

The Crime Organiser

A Button That When You Press It Evaporates Everyone In The World

The Bisexucycle

Fee-Fie-Fo-Fum Crushed Englishman Home Bakery

Disposable Opinions

The Fold-Out/Fold-Away Tennis Court And Small Intestine

Exciting Vehicles To Cheer You Up Following Personal Disaster, Including The Muggee Buggy, The Random Beating Heated Tandem, The Parasuicide Paraglide And The Fallen Too Far Brand-New Car

The Rude Ladder

Squeal Piggy Squeal! Squealing Piggy

Curtains For Windowed Envelopes Which Can Be Drawn Aside To Reveal Your Name And One Of 12 Surprising Designs, Including Don Estelle In The Bath Wearing A Large Shower-Cap, A Frosting Effect Through Which Can Be Seen A Merry Dinner-Table Scene Set Before A Roaring Open Fire, A Large Eye Looking Back At You And A Domestic Burglary

Dead Man's Chest Linctus

I've Seen The Lions At Longleat! And At Chester! And In My Garden And Knife Drawer! Madwoman Badge

Gravy Pops

The Gander Bender

The All-New Catalogue Of Errors

Pen, Pad And Skydiving Gift Certificate: The Extreme Cartography Experience

The Mould Mould

My Secret Shame

You Be The Judge! Robes, Wig, Gavel And Certain Legal Powers

A Cheap Disposable Pen Which Doesn't Run Out Of Ink At Exactly The Moment You Need It: Instead A Powerful Spring Bursts The Plastic Reservoir Out Of The Top Of The Tube And Through Your Cheekbone

The Home Barrel

Widely Grinning Frank Muir Novelty Shower Head

The It Seemed Funny At The Time


Look At Me Do! Attention-Attracting Head Carousel With Brightly Dyed Hamsters Whirling On Bits Of String

The Egg And Fly Whisk

Now You Shall Pay For Your Crimes! Reparation Debit Card

The Pseudo-Scientific Calculator

The Touring Shroud

The Amazing Mystery Dehydrated Chemical - Which Will You Get?

The Bag In A Tree

Lionel Stander Presents His Famous Three-Step Programme To Impersonating Lionel Stander

Tastes Like Jam


The Jaw Crank

Leap While You Sleep! The Nerve-Agitating Electrical Exercise System

The Self-Moving Ventriloquist Dummy

The Mole, Cockroach, Mouse, Rat, Ant And Spider Hitter

Stop Thief Automatic Fist-Shaker

The Trout Defeater

Sounds Of The Seventies: Music CD Of Popular Hits Digitally Enhanced To Mimic Resonating Of Tinny Speaker On High Notes, Dirty Heads, Snagged Tape Tangling Within Mechanism, Magnetic Drop-outs, Etc

Look! It's A Building!

The Soup Tidy

Super-Gone Scourer

The De-Gooser

The Eyeball Cosy

Mmm, Well, If That's What Everyone Else Wants: The Game Of Sinkingly Resigned Party Game Acceptance

The Pet Crematorium

Choking-Hazard Billiards


Reg Varney's Lunch

Holiday Tat

Gasper, The Internationally Recognised Choking Sign Light-Up Visual Aid

Chimney Chum

The Aqua-Mouse

The "Mr Smith"

Congratulations, It's A Boy! Easily Impressed Youth Identifier

Spare Some Change? Begging Piggy Bank


The Croaky-Poky

Hostess Trolley With Blue Plastic Fangs

The Revenge Of Paul Daniels

Paraphilia Paraphernalia

Whoops-a-Daisy Unexpected Daisy Pack

Derek Nimmo's Holy Scissors


The Thing From Another World

Diet Fake Synthetic Ersatz Replacement

The Champion Stabber

Tiny Hay-Bales For Your Pocket Pony

Look Everyone, Here Comes Kenneth Kendall! Subcutaneous Kendall-Tracer Dart-Gun

Super I-Have-My-Problems

Iridescent Butterfly Scales Makeup Foundation


The Unfulfilling Rager


Dumbfoundingly Sickening Salad Dressing

Other People's Post

The Hoe, Hose And Hosiery Gift Set

The Gnathic Inhibitor Sweet

Traditional Pâté De Campagne With Cognac - Just Like Mama Used To Order

Collapsible Probability Waveform And Carry Bag

Least Said, Soonest Mended - The Game Of Miming Surgery

Garden Mood Swings

Encapsulated Scapulimancer Exculpation Pack

The Prang Prong

A Stwabewwy Thwick Thwake, Pwease!

Ligature: The Game Of Pedantic Typography

Hot Hail Fireworks

Lynching Baskets

The Stay-Slim Rowing Machine - Burn Calories With Furiously Angry Exchanges

Inextinguishable Enthusiasm

Fish Lips

Auntie Phee's Anti-Matter Flea-Free Anti-Freeze

The Tabool: It's A Strikingly Small Table! It's An Arrestingly Large Stool!

Fake Ids

The Clutching Grasp Unsettling Fastener

Something For That

Sabotage The Workshy Lounging Of Generations To Come With Forbidden Fruit From The Tree Of Knowledge Jam: It Is The Preserve They Deserve

Box Of Translations (Loose)

There Goes Betty Marsden!

Fields (Specify Arable Or Magnetic)

The Football And Stomach Pump

Sabre Blade Of Grass For Your Tiny Wicker Warrior
Prime Cuts Of Butter

Official Queen-Saving God

Firing Range Bullet-Packed Stove For Cooks You Dislike

Bonanza Facial Trap

Christ, These Look Like Jodhpurs! Oh Wait I See! Jodhpurs

Assortment Of Tools Guaranteed Not To Work Any Better For People Snatching Them Away After Watching Your Futile Efforts With Steadily Mounting Exasperation

Occasionally Tables

Delicious Sluice

Charge-Card Of The Light Brigade Historically Themed Convenience Shopping Account

The Fling-Stick

Bridget Riley Practical Designs: Zebra Crossing, Optician's Chart, Airport Runway Markings, Etc

The Roof Cosy

I-Spy Guide To Those Clouds That Bear A Marginal Resemblance In The Few Seconds The Perspective Exactly Matches Your Position Of Observation To Things You Were Thinking Of Anyway

The Saucy-Pan

Thiz Lookz Uzeful

It's Not My Round Empty Glass Hinting Shuffler

Bucket O' The Evil That Men Do

The 40,000 Candle-Power Power Candle For Romantic Masochist Dinners

Where's Grandad? Geopositional Satellite Tracker

Stay-A-Wake Catalogue Of Worry Thoughts, Including Realisations Of Mortality, Nagging Doubts, Money Troubles, Self-Recriminations, Bitterness And Past Embarrassments

The Second Book Of Dysphemistic Things To Croak In Polite Company Amid The Queasy Cold Pain Of Walking Into Something With Your Shin

Todd's Soup

Woodlouse-Firing Mosquito Cannon

Grim Oop North, The Game Of Cultural Belittlement

Pocket Gentleman

The Era-Ender

Because Miners Are Paid To Take Risks: The Miniature Canary Gas-Mask


The Fake Clock

Coping With Loss With Kenneth Cope

The Fish Boot

Aunt Dismantler 5000

Face Cladding

Bad Fido! Pet Whipping Kit

The Swords Of A Thousand Men

The Imposs-a-Bag

Decalcified Milk


Oh My Giddy Aunt! Sonic Balance Disruptor Gun

High-Use Sign Letters For Downmarket Businesses, Including EZ, U, K And 'n'

Macrowave Ovens

Underneath The Arches - The Flanagan And Allen Commemorative Album Harkening Back To That Simpler Lost Age Of Harmlessly Whimsical Wisely Perceptive Undrunken Tramps

The Jesus Conker

His 'n' Hers Monocle

No Spasm's Gonna Stop Me! 290-Piece Crockery Set

A Token In The Shape Of A Thrupenny Bit Valid For A Pint Of Milk, A Pat Of Butter, A Loaf Of Bread, An All-Day Gobstopper, A Trip To The Pictures And Change Enough For The Ride Home

The Super Thing


I'm On Fire! Power Matches

The Kneely-Downer

Shrieking Gibbering Garden Gnomes

The Town Crier Cummerbund Talking Catalogue, For All Your Blind Town Crier Cummerbund Needs

The Self-Laying Maid

My Life Is In Your Hands! Non-Working Brakes For The Faithful

Julius Seizure Roman Nobleman Fit Statue

Underlay Overlay

Four New Kinds Of Eating Disorder

Pedestrian Gears

Cousin Terrifier 6000

Theirs And Mine Towel Set

Time-Saving Vinegary Brown Paper

The Colossal Cow

Nerys Hughes - The Fountain

TV Dinner With Cross Dressing

The Descending Ceiling Guest Press

Had Another Fit, Grandma? The Rocking Chair Airbag

The Cost In Human Misery Supermarket Price Gun

The Self-Assembler

Advantage: Science Atomic Tennis Balls

Burke and Hare's Teeth Of The Stars

Truly Magnificent Socks

The Rat Immobiliser - Prevents Your Ship From Sinking

The Kneecap Cap

Ornamental Chaff

Mighty Brooms

Soul Unclogger 7000

Stanley Baxter Bangs A Tin Tea-Tray Discordantly, Vol IV

Merriment Evoked!

An Assault (Batteries Not Included)

Personalised Calamities

The Non-Humorous Bosom

Sleeping Bag Plus

Touch It! Stroke It! Smooth Pebble

The Carp-Et

Idiotic Fowl

Dagenham's Own

The Disquieting Loofah

Deranged Business Shirt, Featuring Jabbing Collars, Wrist-Splintering Cuffs And Noxious Gas-Releasing Buttons

Skulking Lutes

The Garage Mammoth

Stupefying Ineptitude

500 Near-Identical Slivers Of Bark And A Single Matching Pair

A Crisp

Is That Old Bloke Still Breathing? - The Public Library Game

The Toad Recliner

Lionel Stander Sings Lionel Jeffries Sings Lionel Bart

Grum-Ball, Your Peevish Plaything

That Flue-Widening Gizmo! Also Widens Trouser Waistbands, Uncomfortable Shoes, Unsatisfactorily Narrow Fruits And Your Baby Brother's Knowledge If You Put It In His Mouth On Setting Eight. Go On, Put It In His Mouth. No One's Looking. Go On - It's Perfectly Safe, We Wouldn't Tell You To If It Weren't. Gooooo On. Wait, Someone's Coming. Down, Put It Down. Pick Up That Book, That's Right. Any Page Will Do. Hello! Phew, They Didn't Suspect A Thing. Oh No - They've Taken Your Baby Brother For His Bath. Well, We'll Just Wait For Another Chance Deluxe


82 Things-In-A-Tin

Give Me An A! Give Me Another A! Give Me An R! Give Me A D! Give Me A V! Give Me An A! Give Me An R! Give Me A K! Relentlessly Cheerful Dictionary For Perky Illiterates With Developed Biceps

Tenors' Tennis

The Eyes Of Kenneth Horne Reassuringly Genial Penetratingly Intrusive Closed-Circuit Camera Trivialiser

The Stabber Deluxe


The Jaw-Springer

The Joan Hickson Luge

Magnified Qualms

Ten Green Bottles And A Wall

Bulimic's Choice Emetically Modified Food

The Wiry Intricacy

Billy Dainty's Doorbell Supreme

The Bagpipe Airbag


Save-Your-Embarrassment Witness Blinder

Nonny Nonny Hay

The Brutally Vengeful Teddy Bear

The Man Skirt

Urgings: Fulfilled

Finger Nail Remover

The Qualm Stiller

The William Tell And Saint Sebastian Companion Toby Jug Set

The I Don't Remember Buying This. Did I Buy This? I Must Have, I Suppose - There's My Name And Address, And I Know That No One Else In My Street Has A Similar Name. Still, I Can't Remember Buying It, At All. Looks Good Though, And Might Come In Handy. In Fact - Yes - I Can Think Of Exactly The Place For It, Where It'll Help A Lot. Hey, Everyone, Come And See What I Bought! It's Just What We Need! Plus

Multi-Purpose Crevice

Elongated Caricature Broom Handles

The Cricket And Window Box

Guess The Dreadful Secret Of The Isolated Rural Community!

Lionel Stander's Goodbye Hat

Digital Fingers

HG Wells' War Of The Words Scrabble

Death Plus Either A Handsome Pocket-watch Or A Desk Caddy, All For The Price Of Failure

The Broken Biscuit Broken Barrel

Purposeless Glue

The Beckoning Rooster Worm-Intriguer

I, Jerry Desmonde, Will Slay This Horse For You With One Clinically Precise Swing Of My Naily Club

What A Lovely Blouse

The Hull Finder: Point To Hull Wherever You Are In The World

Die, You Naughty Puppy

Fully Articulated Danger Christ

The Fatal Miscalculator
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