Beware the Idles' March The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
Confounding Riddles With The Master Of Riddles
This feature is concluded.

I am the Master Of Riddles. Can you untangle my devious glottic knots?
Thirty white horses
On a red hill.
First they champ,
Then they stamp,
Then they stand still.

Question: What are they?

Answer: They are geldings.
Speak not and you speak my name.

Question: What am I?

Answer: Dandy Nichols.
What is it that walks on four legs in the morning
Two legs in the afternoon
And three legs in the evening?

Answer: It is a clever circus dog.
Little Nancy Etticoat
In her white petticoat
And her red nose.
The longer she stands
The shorter she grows.

Question: Who is Nancy Etticoat?

Answer: She is an old woman with osteoperosis.
It lives in the winter
Dies in the summer
And grows with its roots upwards.

Question: What is it?

Answer: It is a horrifically mutated plant that must be destroyed before it spores to the winds.
Higgledy, piggledy
Here we lie
Picked and plucked
And put in a pie.
My first is snapping - snarling - growling
My second's busy - romping - prowling.
Higgledy, piggledy
Here we lie
Picked and plucked
And put in a pie.

Question: What in the name of the Christ is going on here?
Answer: Something to do with the animals at an inner-city petting zoo, or something, I think.
You're sharp and keen,
I'll stop that laugh -
What's twice the half
of two-and-a-half?

Question: Fancy coming out for a drink?
Answer: OK then.
There are four men in a boat
With five cigarettes
but no matches.
How do they manage to smoke?

Answer: They don't. They have no matches. Weren't you listening?
Jade plate
Six, eight.
Fire that burns hot
Night that is not.
Fire that burns cold
First silver then gold.

Question: Where does this point?
Answer: It points to my house. There it is, over there. Look, everybody - I can see my house from here.
Hoddy Doddy with a round body
Three feet and a wooden hat.
What's that?

Answer: It is two vikings, one hopping, making their way backwards through snow to confuse pursuers until they reach a suitable place for a decisive ambush.
Two brothers we are
Great burdens we bear
We always are bitterly pressed
Yet this I must say
We are full all the day
And empty when we go to rest.

Question: Who are they?
Answer: They are the McMoodle Brothers, who had to step in unexpectedly to take over the family business of McMoodle Quilt-Irons when their father, Strawberry McMoodle, fell into a glockenspiel, and have exhaustingly been fighting a complicated takeover bid from quilt-iron giant Famblasty, Metropops, Ibguzzle and Phlangey for several months, the stress of which has radically altered their metabolisms.
As I was going to St Ives
I met a man with seven wives.
Every wife had seven bags
Every bag had seven cats
Every cat had seven kits.
Kits, cats, bags and wives
How many were going to St Ives?

Answer: Everyone, obviously.
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