Beware the Idles' March The Weekly: Maintaining Britain's Standards
The Bill Before the House
Bill to Dissipate the Influence of the Criming-Criminal introduced by the Rt Hon Rthon Foabes (Whig), Member for Tidewell.
i. That ALL CRIME is committed by the chimney classes; thefore THE CHIMNEY ITSELF IS A CRIMINAL.
ii. To remove and destroy ALL CHIMNEYS from across Britain, replacing them as structural newelposts with the PAUPER'S YOUTH, thus ensuring gainful employment for the laggardly.
(Second reading.)
Bill to Inspire Fear In the House introduced by the Rt Hon Cregulant Brakey (Undetermined), Member for Hobs End.
i. That my honourable friends are insufficiently fearful of me.
ii. Accordingly, I shall be visiting each Rt Hon Gentleman soon with my gliding gait and populous cloak.
(Cries of "Shame," "Brrrr," and, "Jesus.")
Bill to Expose the Creeping and Sinister Corruption of Certain Members of the House Who Are Known to Me in Their Dealings With Magnates, Potenates and the Fates at the Expense of the BRITON'S INGLEMAN in Whose Interests They are Charged to Work By Her Gracious Majesty introduced by the Rt Hon Grably Crockbester (Prog Soc), Member for Dog Dyke.
(Proposal lapsed following the tragic death of the Rt Hon Gentleman when his valet exploded.)
Bill to Explode the House introduced by the Rt Hon Futility Brabletawn, Member for London-town.
i. Let's blow up the House, you fellows!
(Passed unanimously from a distance.)
Bill to Expand the Voting Base of the BRITON'S DEMOCRACY introduced by the Rt Hon Teabun Manly (Soc), Member for Bootle.
i. That the measure of democracy is in the extension of suffrage.
ii. Accordingly, to extend the vote to landed gentry aged 31 and over who earn less than £15,001 per annum.
(Defeated unanimously; the Rt Hon Gentleman symbolically horse-whipped by Her Gracious Majesty the full height of the House steps.)
Bill to Abolish Slavering Throughout Empire introduced by the Rt Hon Pemlit Atrahay (Lub), Member for Drule.
i. That the foul practice of slavering is a repugno-bombination in GOD'S EYES, and must be ended.
(Abstensions secured by the powerful Honourable East India Napkin Company lobby; bill moves to Lords as part of the debate on spitting on doorsteps.)
Bill to Outlaw Beastly Nastiness introduced by the Rt Hon Melgeret Melmehaugh, Member for Miller's Dale.
i. That the ills of the world are caused solely by ozard frightfulness and ghastly odium.
ii. Accordingly, hideous awfulness itself ought to be proscribed; this abolition to be enforced by rosily cheerful constable-bobbies with pastel cudgels and priestly javelins.
(Second reading.)
advocate feature   archives   corner shop © the weekly science combine